Out With A Bang

Little did I know when 2010 started, that I would finally start a successful weight loss journey. How many times has my New Year's Resolution been to lose weight? Let's see...I'm 39 years old...at least 30 times. Tonight during our workout, Trainer Mike said, "If I would have told you eight months ago that you would be doing this exercise (I can't remember which exercise he was talking about specifically...could have been deadlifts, lunges with barbells, stability ball chest presses or some new thing on the stability ball for my butt) would you have stayed?" Duh...probably not...but had I known how much running would be involved I wouldn't have stayed either. Yet, I didn't know what an emotional change this journey would result in either. Based on the scale and pics and clothing sizes there are significant physical results. The mental results are 100 times more rewarding. I'm a changed person. 2011 is 25 hours away. BRING IT!!! I'm looking forward to shedding more pounds and inches, increasing my running ability, and all of the other challenges Trainer Mike can conjure up. As we are saying farewell to 2010, (I don't know about all of you, but it's been challenging for me and I'm kind of glad to say...SEE YA!)I look back with pride at what I have accomplished and immense gratitude to an incredible trainer and friend! THANK YOU, Trainer Mike. YOU ROCK!

I walked into the gym tonight and Trainer Mike's girlfriend had just endured a workout. She wasn't lookin so good. I could tell it had been rather intense. So when he said to me "Are you ready?" I was kind of hesitant to say yes, but before I could reply he said, "There's no way you could be ready for this." And just like that we hit it and we didn't stop. It was intense. In a series of multiple sprints this girl grabs a mat and plops down right in my path. I had been doing this for a while and it wasn't just her she had two friends with her who weren't working out and they were having a little giggly chat time. As I prepared to take off on a sprint, Trainer Mike said, "Run as close to her head as you can. I can't believe she sat right there. It's not like she didn't know what you were doing." Me being the client that ALWAYS(insert sarcasm) follows directions, did exactly as I was told. That girl looked at me and said, "Oh am I in your way?" I didn't stop to respond...kept on sprinting cause that's how I roll. I don't have time for that nonsense. As I was trying to repress the feelings of nausea that were overcoming me it was time to try a new exercise. Here's how it was introduced. "When we came into the gym tonight Sean was doing this and it looked really cool. You're going to be my first guinea pig." Don't you think you would just be falling over to try an exercise with a intro like that? My response was "Are you kidding me?" It was a squat with a 40 pound barbell into an upright row...for just 20 times!!! Here's what you need to know...as I'm sitting in my pjs in my comfy bed writing this blog...my butt already hurts and it's just been 2 hours since we finished the workout. I can't wait to know what this is going to feel like tomorrow. I think it was a combination of that exercise, deadlifts, squats, and lunges that have really talked to the glutes. That's okay...they need to be talked to and they're not used to it so they're just talkin back a little bit. Trainer Mike decided that "since we went out like Johnny Carson last time we would go out with a bang like Ronald Reagan tonight." 2 sets of sprints, 5 regular pushups and 20 fingertip pushups followed by 30 crunches and 20 military jumping jacks. Yep, I wanted to fall on the floor when I was done. Yet, I wouldn't expect anything less.

Since Trainer Mike referenced Ronald Reagan, I feel that so should I..."There are no constraints on the human mind, no walls around the human spirit, no barriers to our progress except those we ourselves erect." Thus far in my journey I have learned that I had built walls and barriers that loomed over me and that I alone...not food...restricted my own success and debilitated my health. Please know, I still struggle with food. I still see it as my enemy sometimes. I am still challenged by food. However, I now understand that my thoughts about food and my lack of knowledge about food are the enemy. Not the food itself. (Okay...seriously...cake is an enemy to me. Truly an enemy!) Nevertheless, in 2011 I will tear down more walls and barriers and learn how to be friends with food and use it to my advantage. I look forward to it!

A Johnny Carson Workout

Dear Readers, I am so sorry for not writing for so long. I have been working out, but time has been going quickly. Well my great news is that I got on the scales tonight at the gym and have lost 6 more pounds. I need to lose 7 more and I will be below a milestone weight for me. I can't wait.

My mom wants a way to contact Trainer Mike! NOT! Yesterday my sister and I took our grandpa out for his birthday. There has been this place in Gardner, KS for years called the Blazer Burger. A few months after Grandma passed two years ago, Grandpa started going in there. The owners, a young couple, have adopted him like he's part of their family. When Sandy and I suggested we go to the Blazer Burger for lunch Grandpa's face lit up. He couldn't wait for us to meet Jimmy and Heather. Let me get to how this lunch with my sister and Grandpa resulted in my mom wanting Trainer Mike's number. They have this unique ice cream machine over there. It comes out in a swirl onto a cone, but the edges are flavored. I ordered strawberry and the edges were strawberry with everything else vanilla. You need to know I would have NEVER tried the ice cream if my mother hadn't talked about it over and over and how good it is. Sandy thought we should send a pic of me with the ice cream to Mom. We did. She called me talking about how mean I am. She's the one that's been talking about this ice cream going on and on like it's the best thing since indoor toilets. I straight up told Trainer Mike my mom wanted his number and why. And I also told him she is FAR more of an ice cream addict than I am.

I hadn't been to the gym since a week ago when Mike and I worked out. The stomach flu knocked the workin out right out of me for a few days. I was a little worried walking into the gym and I should have been. Right off I had to run sprints. But the hardest part tonight was the lunges with barbells. I lunged down and back which is approximately 44 lunges with 40 pounds on my back. Then I did it with 30 and then with 20. OUCH! This was AFTER I had done three sets of lunges with kettle balls. In the middle of this Mike said, "Who likes lunges? Tammy likes lunges." Someone in the gym had to comment on how they do lunges. It's hard enough to do them without weight, but when you add that component it gets all sorts of tricky. At the end of the workout, Mike decided we would sprint again. I said, "Um...I think you forgot that's how we started the workout?" He said, "I know. We started happy and we're going to end happy. Johnny Carson style." The thing is...working out does make me VERY happy! Sometimes I feel like I'm going to die in the process, but overall it makes me sooo happy. I leave the gym and think, "Wow, Bunch you did it! You didn't puke or pass out. You did it." I am amazed that I have been doing this for 8 months now (HOLY COW!!! I just now realized it's been 8 months! And my trainer has stuck by me. That's a miracle. Surprised I haven't scared him off!) and still I am so challenged by the intensity of the workouts and sometimes scared that I'm not going to be able to do it. However, to quote the great Johnny Carson "If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined." I do feel more peaceful and I'm liking myself more all the time. 8 months ago...not so much!

Do You Trust Yourself

Last night's workout was SCARY. I've yet to workout with Mike and not be challenged in someway, but last night we were at a new level. We started out doing a Hiway Patrol test. I tried to explain that I'm not going into the Hiway Patrol, but Mike thinks this is good for me. So I ran for 7 minutes straight without complaining or whining once. I walked for two minutes and then ran the rest of my mile. Pretty cool. I was impressed with myself. But then he decided we needed to run sprints. So it was two times down the gym and 20 pushups and 20 flutter kicks. Next three times down and back with thirty pushups and thirty flutter kicks. Four times down and back with forty pushups and forty flutter kicks. Five times down and back with fifty pushups and fifty flutter kicks. We followed that up with 50 crunches and then hopped right into some kickboxing. (I thought after I hit the trainer the last time we were finished with this, but I'm so excited he brought it back.) It's such a great stress relief. After that we did some squatting. Then we went into some serious ab work. First I held a weighted ball and with my legs in the air did 25 crunches with the ball above my head. I took a break then we did squats, jumping jacks and 25 more of the ball crunches. Then Mike said, "Do you trust me?" It's not a matter of me trusting Mike. I trust him completely. He's an expert and wants me to succeed as badly as I want to succeed. The question is do I trust myself? So I laid on the floor and Mike stood over me with the weighted ball. He dropped it, I caught it and then I threw it up in the air to him. I really had to focus because if I missed the ball it was going to hit my nose and you know I would end up with a broken nose. But we did it successfully 20 times. It was painful.

At the end of the workout I was dripping with sweat and extremely nauseous. I had to sit down in a chair. My husband had come to workout, but ended up watching my workout instead. He and the trainer started talking. I was extremely quiet because my seratonin levels were so high. It was like I was having some out of body experience. We finally got in the car to come home and Dave said, "He kicked your ass. That was just a spanking." I was nauseous for an hour after the workout. I managed to drink a protein drink and then I crashed. I could barely focus on the book I'm reading. When I fell asleep it was a deep hard sleep. It's the kind of sleep I love. I'm hoping for a workout like this next week when I don't have to get up and go to work the next morning. I could have slept way past my alarm this morning. My legs, butt, and abs were so sore this morning, but it was that good sore. And the scales were down another pound. It was a scary workout, but I LOVED it. The harder they are the better I feel. I'm enjoying this journey so much. "Every man is the builder of a temple called his body." ~Henry David Thoreau...I've got a lot more building to do, but I'm doin it!

FRUSTRATED

Tonight's workout SUCKED! My shoulder and neck started hurting on Saturday. Went to the chiropractor last night and he said to take a night off from the gym. After a completely miserable night that resulted in three hours of sleep because I couldn't get comfortable, I had a miserable day of feeling like crap. I was taking Advil like it was candy all day. I almost called and cancelled tonight's session, but my day was full of drama and I wanted to get rid of some of the stress. We started running. I made it for about nine minutes before the sharp knife like stabbing pain in the back of my shoulder that goes up the side of my neck started. Mike did a little assessment and decided I could leave or we could work legs. So I stayed and we worked legs. I made this choice because I had to weigh tonight and the scales went up three pounds. I am really mad. How can you work so hard at a diet and have the scales increase? I don't get it at all. UGH!

FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!!!!

On a good note...trainer isn't taking time off in December after all which makes me VERY happy. And Rudolph was on the tv's in the gym. Who can't feel happy with that cute little deer around? Then there's always trainer's sense of humor. As we were ending the session on the exercise bike he asked me if I ever bike ride. I used to, but I haven't for a couple of years. "You still use training wheels right?" the jokes they just keep comin...

Okay...my back is killing me...time for heating pad and muscle relaxers and hopefully, some sleep.

A New Red Dress

Three hours since my workout and I still feel a little naseous. Today was the Pre Thanksgiving workout with Friday being the post. I'll workout on my own tomorrow. A year ago I would have considered a holiday a day off from whatever workout routine I was embracing at the time. Now it doesn't matter what the day is working out is healthy and makes me feel good. So tomorrow while at my mom's I'll concentrate on veges and protein, but it's my cheat meal so carbs will be allowed as long as I go back on the diet at the next meal. Is it worth it? Yep! Let me share an example of why...

A band I really like, Cherry Bomb, got the Hyatt gig for New Year's Eve. My friend Stephanie's husband plays in the band so she will be in attendance and it's a formal affair. She called today to see if I was ready to go dress shopping. Immediate dread overcame me. Oh no...dress shopping. However, I went and came home with a red spaghetti strap number. It's six sizes smaller than the last time I dress shopped. With that said, I want to make the most out of the next month of working out to wear that dress well. The fact that I was in the store, trying on dresses and they were fitting and I wasn't mortified...that made it TOTALLY worth it.

And yesterday I wore a new outfit to work. It was different than how I normally dress. I walked in the door and my friend Miah (whom has been such a supporter in her humorous compliments) gave a cat call. I was told I looked "cute as a button". Compliments came all day long. That feedback keeps me motivated. I don't want you to think I'm egocentric or anything...I'm not. The compliments and results keep me motivated to go. It's hard work. Very hard work. And it feels good when people recognize the changes. I wish it didn't matter to me. I wish I was above that...maybe this is a piece I need to work on. But you need to know...I'm weak. I still feel like I could fail at any moment. I still feel like I'm not working hard enough. Food tempts me every day. Time challenges my workouts every day. Encouragement keeps me going. Thank you all for that.

A conversation with a friend this week made me realize that some of you might not know how I met my trainer. He works with my husband. I had heard mention of this guy and his bodybuilding and working out for a while. In January or February my husband said, "I was telling Mike about your struggles with weight. He thinks he could help you." I think this was pretty courageous of him. I mean who wants to say to their wife..."Oh by the way...I talked to a personal trainer for you" It has been a struggle for soooo long, but I totally blew my husband off. "We don't have the money for that." Inside I was thinking "I'm TOO fat to workout with a trainer. Goodness! I need to lose some weight before I can do that." A couple of months passed. A new diet scheme passed. One that made me really sick. I was at an all time low for weight loss. Really depressed by it actually. I had no energy. A year previous the doctor had told me I was borderline diabetic and I had to go back to him this past April. He again said something about my weight. It TOTALLY made me mad and I LOVE my doctor. But, he hit a nerve with me. So very reluctantly I asked for Mike's number and called him. Truthfully, I thought I would work out with him once or twice for a month at the most and I would have passed through another phase and failed. Well...obviously I was wrong. I can admit this. I told Mike tonight that as long as he lives in the area he'll need to count on me being part of his weekly schedule. I wouldn't go back to my old ways for anything. As grueling as this is sometimes, it is sooo worth it. From the bottom of my heart I appreciate my husband's initiative. This journey is a gift to me. A true gift. You recognized how unhappy I was and cared enough to nudge me in the right direction. I will be eternally grateful. THANK YOU!

Takin it to the next level

I worked out with Mike two nights ago and then again tonight. He's decided I'm ready to take it to the next level. You should know by now that I trust him. However, there are times when I look at him and say, "Are you sure this isn't too heavy?" "Are you sure I can do this?" "This is me we're talking about." I either get a nod with a grin, a smart aleck response, or an affirmation.

On Sunday there was this woman whom I had never met before trying to give Mike ideas. For instance, he said "Go get a drink of water. You're going to need it. We're going to do step ups." We've done these once before and they kicked my butt. I was holding weights and stepping up and down onto a workout step. WELCOME TO THE NEXT LEVEL!!! We're going to step up and down off of a bench that's like two feet off the ground. Yes, readers! Yes, indeed! The same bench I was standing on last week to do rows. So this woman says "I think it should be a little higher. Maybe you should try this benchpress one." I was in shock really. Then she said, "If you there's no pain, there's no gain." Really? The voice in my head was saying, "Woman! Take your size 6 butt and shut up!" I just smiled and stepped on the bench many times. We ended at the treadmill. My very favorite place. I admit...I was whining. This woman is at the other end on an elliptical. She says, "You want me to come and run with you? You will inspire me. I've had this sinus infection and I haven't been able to run." Totally, I blew her off. I gave Mike a look that said, "Seriously? Are you kidding me?" But my new friend came to the treadmill right beside me and as I was bargaining for less time at my speed she increased her speed to double mine and started running. She was extremely grateful for my inspiring her to run again. It's all in a workout..what can I say?

Let me interject here about my heart rate. I had my heart rate up to 174 while running. As I was cooling down at a walking space, Mike told me to focus on lowering my heart rate. This is really bizarre. I envision the number he tells me and my hear rate starts to drop to that number. In one and a half minutes I went from 174 to 140. I like that I can control it like that. Now I have to learn to control it like that while running. Betcha I will...

There were several new people I met at the gym that night. Another one was Prescilla. She's a friend of Mike's and what a sweetie! She totally encouraged me the whole night. Loved her and can't wait to get to know her better. I also met Jeremy, an aspiring model who made a comment about how hard Mike makes me work. Now here is a perfect example of the Mike mentality. He says to Jeremy..."Yeah, she's my guinea pig. I try new things out with her. I have her do things that I wouldn't even try." As I'm processing this comment I'm thinking...I might be really stupid. However, I said, "I pay you. I feel if you tell me to do something. I should do it." Many times I have to think about an exercise first or I have to have Mike show me what he wants several times to wrap my head around it, but usually I'm going to do it or at least give it my best shot. The way I see it...this is the only way to get results. I'm getting results that I have never had before. Might as well keep doing what he tells me to do. Obviously, he has it figured out.

I can't not post about Skip to my Lou's. A new exercise that Mike introduced tonight. It is literally skipping only you have to get the knees really high in the air with your hands over your head. At first I wasn't going high enough. There's a sign hanging from the ceiling. Mike says, "Next time I want you to touch this." "Ummm...you do know I'm only...?" Didn't even get to say my height before Mike said, "Yes...2ft9 I know." I kept trying and never actually touched the sign, but got pretty darn close. Skip down the gym and back drop and do five pushups. Repeat. Repeat. Did I mention I had already done 100 pushups at this point? And just when I thought we were headed to the treadmill, "There's no one in here. I want you to sprint." Sprint down and back drop for five pushups. Repeat with an added sprint. Repeat with two added sprints. I have to say I was LOVING this. Mike was down at the end giving me hand signals and yelling at me to go faster. When Mike is encouraging me like that it gives me an adrenalin rush and makes me want to go faster. I'm certain Mike would agree that I am far from a world class sprinter, but it is a rush and I look forward to doing this sort of thing again.

I must say I'm scared for tomorrow morning. My abs were already sore when I went in tonight and we added 150 crunches to the end of the workout. I'm very sore now. However, I like sore abs. Let's keep them sore all the time. There is a lot to get rid of in that area.

Until next post...

The Tijuanan Pharmacy Within

I'm watching Biggest Loser as I write tonight. Bob is telling a contestant he has been wanting to kick his a#$ for a week and that he wants to snap someone like a twig. Mike the trainer hasn't said those words to me, but I think he thinks them before our workouts. And Jillian is telling contestants that they will never win. She says, "Just when you think you've got it under control, I'll push the up button. You will never win." I can so relate. Just when I feel like I know what I'm doing we switch it up. Tonight I was doing bench presses while lying on a decline bench. I asked why we were doing bench presses on a decline bench and the answer was to mix things up a bit. We also did some rows. We've done rows a lot. I'm used to it. Mike said, "I want you to stand and do these." So I proceeded to straddle the bench and and grab the handles. Mike said, "No, up here on the bench." There was another trainer working with a client and I must have given him a look because he said, "Don't look at me! You hired him!" Balance is NOT my strong point. It took me a few times to get the hang of standing on the bench and pulling the weight to me...okay...I almost fell once. I even said to Mike, "Obviously, you have not paid attention to the fact that I am terrified of heights." "But you're like a foot and a half off the ground. A baby squirrel wouldn't get hurt falling that far." Tonight's workout ended with the treadmill. So I was at a very brisk walk/slow jog which felt like running. Mike is standing on the treadmill next to me. I'm begging to just run for two minutes and then walk and then run again. Smart aleck Mike said, "You can go eight minutes. You're not even going that fast. If you were taller you would be walking." At first I was highly frustrated at him, but then I just thought..."Wow! You got me that was a good one." The final was that I ran 6 minutes and walked 5. I consider this an accomplishment for the girl who is scared of running.
I'm hoping the next part of tonight's blog will not offend anyone. It certainly isn't intended to.

After the workout Mike and I started talking about my thyroid. I've been on thyroid meds for nine years. Recently, my doctor told me my numbers are borderline, but he was hesitant to take me off of the meds because of my weight loss journey. I took it into my own hands and didn't refill the prescription this last time. It was time to go have my blood drawn to get it refilled anyway so I just skipped it. I shared this tonight and Mike started to explain how the growth hormone works in your body. His analogy was a Tijuanan pharmacy. Laugh with me here. Everyone knows you can go to Tijuana and get whatever meds you want without a prescription. You can get surgeries cheaper there and everything. You have to understand this analogy is so funny to me because I left physiology at the door of Johnson County Community College and really didn't look back. Mike's knowledge of the human body and how it works never ceases to amaze me. I think he knows more than my doctor about how drugs interact with the body and each other. Bottom line: because of my working out the Tijuanan pharmacy within me has started producing more growth hormone. When Mike is pushing for intensity and reps in my workouts it increases even more. When I start to feel like I'm going to puke we are really getting to where we need to be. I'm going to stop feeling like a loser everytime I get naseous during a workout and think "Whoo! I made it to a great spot! Now I have to push harder." Okay...there will probably be self talk involved which will go something like, "Don't puke in the middle of the gym. Don't puke in the middle of the gym." Please don't freak because I've gone off the meds. I'm monitoring the situation closely. I have tried to go off of it before and had no energy and gained 5-7 pounds in a matter of a few days. I've been off for three weeks and have lost weight and have a ton of energy. Workin out...it does a body good! I'm pretty amazed at this. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would be able to reverse my thyroid. I didn't know it was possible. I thought it was a hand I had been dealt that would be with me forever. Who knew? This journey has been full of unexpected perks! I can't wait to see what else lies before me!

Kettleballs...GREAT!

Well...not going to say a lot...I know you find that hard to believe...
It's been a lonnnnnggggg week. If I put on here what happened at school this week...you would totally think I was making it up. I'll just leave it at this...I've worked more with law enforcement this week than I have my colleagues. Could have an honorary degree in law enforcement.

So I went to the gym tonight to meet with Michael. I simply did not have a chance to eat since lunch. This is not good for working with the trainer. I've done this before and it doesn't work. To make matters worse...I get on the elliptical and my trainer tells me he is taking two weeks off in December. I know he needs his time. At the same time, I depend on him. I really do and my workouts aren't the same without him. So the whole workout all I could think about was the fact that I have to do this on my own for two weeks. UGH!!!

We now have kettle balls at the gym. Trainer Mike was really excited about this addition. So excited that he decided I would be his guinea pig for exercises to do with the kettle ball. I'm pretty sure there is a kettle ball disclaimer that says you should not do what we were doing. He decided on an exercise to do for my chest with the kettle ball which involved me lying on my back on a bench...and I can't even describe it, but I felt like I was going to drop the ball. Mike insisted I could lift it. I insisted I couldn't. And then he said, "No, you can...you're choosing to give up on me." Oh yes he did! It made me so mad. Guess what? I found some new strength, cuz Tammy don't give up! Not on ANYTHING!

It's two hours after my workout and I still feel like I need to puke. Amazing how one can go from feeling so hungry they thought they could pass out to feeling like the odor of food could make them puke. Hopefully some sleep will take care of the problem.

New Diets and a Smart Aleck Trainer with some Results

After spending the last two days accompanying a new student whereever she goes, I have bruises to prove it. Poor girl. I also did a stake out today on a teacher's car to catch who has been leaving completely inappropriate notes on her car. The suspect was apprehended while I was in heels even. I'm also on my new diet. Finally. I carbed it up on Sunday hoping it would carry over, but now I'm in carb withdrawal. There are no carbs in my future for two weeks. As a result, Mike said we have to change my workouts up. Tonight we started with running. I didn't complain one time. I ran for seven minutes. No complaining. Mike wanted to know what had happened to the real Tammy cuz I always complain when I run. It helped that Mike talked the whole time and kept me entertained. We had to do some ass to ankles again. With the weight on my shoulders and I was never going deep enough. Finally, at the end he said, "That's what I'm talking about." Thank God it was at the end because I don't think I could have squatted that low and risen back up too many times. After we did all of the weight stuff we went back to cardio. We've not done that before. I did ask to go from running to a brisk walk. I wasn't whining...just tired at that point. He let me do it. SHOCKING! And at the same time he was trying to have a political discussion with me. I can't discuss such serious stuff like that while walking so fast.

The smart aleck factor in tonight's workout was high. Please know it was being dished at me. Don't worry. I can hold my own. I've mastered the smart aleck factor pretty well myself. But here are a few of the memorable comments I heard. "How many of these am I doing?" "I'm still waiting for you to do one right." During my 15 second rest period, "You are counting really fast." "I am the counter. I get to count how I want." And when I started the lunge/pushup series, I got tired of having my hands on my hips so I locked them behind my back. "What are you trying a new skating technique?" I just started laughing. I couldn't even lunge for a few seconds because I was laughing so hard. And when my trainer tripped on his untied shoe and I said, "You might want to tie that." He said, "Yeah, I wouldn't want to pull a Tammy." I enjoy the smart aleck Mike. It makes the workouts very fun.

Everyone keeps asking me how much weight I've lost and I say...don't know...avoiding the scales. However, I wanted to have a clear picture before I started the diet so I can see if it's effective. I mean when you are eating only protein, there better be some pay off. So as of this morning I have lost 20.5 pounds. I wish the number was a bigger one, but I'm still happy. I have to remind myself the weight didn't come on over night and it's not going away over night either. As for inches...21.5! Again, these numbers aren't huge, but really they are. I have found a new passion. I wish I could give you a number for what this has done for me emotionally. It's been pretty amazing. Those of you that have lost weight understand what this feels like. Weight has been a struggle my entire life. To know that I'm headed in the right direction and making progress is an unbelievable euphoric feeling. I have more energy than I have had in a long time. I feel comfortable in the gym now. I have a lonnnngggg way to go. But I'm lovin every minute of the journey.

Well it's been a busy couple of weeks. We've been working some late nights for conferences. However, the days have flown by because I've been trying to keep up at work. AND my friend Polly has a student teacher who is teaching full time now. This requires Polly to leave the classroom and she has been humoring me all week. We have had quite a few really good laughs. Nevertheless, several of us left conferences last night and went to Westport. McCoys was hosting Boobs Rock a benefit for breast cancer. A couple of ladies from one of my favorite bands, Cherry Bomb, were to perform. So enjoy some dinner we did and listen to some other people that we didn't think were so talented we did as well. Just as the fatigue of the week was catching up with us and we were getting impatient for our girls to rock, a person appeared on my lap. I couldn't tell if it was a man or a woman at first, but as I was scooting closer to my friend Mary and grabbing her leg under the table the person was scooting closer to me as well and when I could not get any further away and was face to face with it, I learned it was in fact a she. She proceeded to tell me how adorable I was. One would hope my friends would have been planning my exit, but they all had their phones out snapping pics and posting captions as quickly as they could on FB. The person, Heather, continued to tell me how cute I was and how fun it was to make me blush. I was a little scared because I didn't know what Heather really wanted. Turns out she was collecting email addresses for a band she was promoting. I gave her one, but it wasn't accurate. She finally left me and the girls told me I had made their evening. Not a lot of time passed before she came back. This time she completely sat on my lap and told me my smile was contagious and she could resist being around me. She hasn't had many reasons to smile in her life recently and I make her smile. Are you kidding me? Well of course then the counselor in me came out and I said, "That makes me said that you have no reason to smile." I quick realized I needed to shut up because she got this look in her eye and I really wanted to get out of there. My friend Stephanie who had been at another booth came over to tell me by and Heather made an exit after which so did we. Words which come to mind to describe this event were terrifying, awkward, and ultimately hilarious.

After my night out I had a workout planned with Mike this morning. I was a little concerned because I went to bed around midnight and had to meet him at 9:00. The thing is in order for that to happen you have to get up early and eat your protein and get hydrated. Sporting my new "Boobs Rock" tshirt, I got to the gym and ran for three minutes on my own before he arrived. Of course, since he didn't see it, he doesn't believe it happened. So we lunged. While I was lunging I shared the events of the previous night and the entire rest of the workout was filled with one liners courtesy of Mike the trainer or Mike the comedian whichever you prefer. It was a really good workout. I was on my game. I think. Except for the fact that my right shoulder and left shoulder are not the same strength and one is always compensating for the other. I'm happy to be able to get back in my workout groove. Gonna hit the gym and the diet both hard this week. I guess I'm going to need to get on the scales and see where that number is too. I'm hoping for a significant weight loss between now and Christmas. And a few more drastic inches. Michael thinks the diet is going to make this happen. I'm a little nervous about the diet, but I have to get my head wrapped around it and just do it. NO EXCUSES! I have to plan ahead and be prepared.

You know emotions sometimes cause me not to eat at all. Sometimes emotions cause me to make bad food choices. This week we will be having the auction of my grandparent's place. I can't believe it is finally here after a fall full of work. It is in fact emotional. I can't think about it without shedding a few tears. Several reasons: the first is that Grandpa is going to be leaving the house. I've had conversations with him and he is struggling. We all know he can't stay there another winter. Last winter he went without water for weeks on end because of frozen pipes that burst and we couldn't get to them to fix them. He's never had hot water in this place. It is so secluded that it isn't really safe for him to be out there on his own. Anyway, he has now said that once all of his stuff is sold he will not want to spend another night there because everything will be gone. We are hoping he can spend the night of the auction in his new place. I feel so bad for him. Years and years and years of things will be sold. Memories made in that home will not be so close anymore. I'm worried about him as they start selling his stuff...how hard is that going to be for him emotionally? Poor Grandpa. I love him soooo much. He is one of the GREATEST men I have ever known.
Another emotional piece for me is this: a senior from my hometown died early this morning as a result of a head injury from a foot ball game. His older sister was one of my sister's best friends in high school. They spent a lot of time together. My mom went to school with Nathan's dad. We aren't supposed to ask why in situations such as these. I prefer to think that God needed Nathan for something now. It's emotional to me because I think of all of my friends who are suffering this loss. It is hard for me. I want to be able to help. Yet, there is nothing I can do. It brings back memories of when I was a freshman and Brad and Mark were killed in a drunk driving accident. I will never forget when we went to school that Monday. You could have heard a pin drop on the floor. I'm still not sure why we went at all. They cancelled school for the rest of the week. A loss such as that is something you are never able to cope with, but especially when you are in high school. It's so unfair. It makes me think of the Chris Tomlin song "I will Rise"
"And I will rise when he calls my name
no more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
I will rise"

Schedules and Diet as well as Feet and A**

I met with Mike tonight for the first time in about a week. I much prefer our twice weekly sessions, but my schedule has been a little crazy. Parent Teacher Conferences put demands on my time. I have had meetings that have started at 7:00 this week and then you finish your day at 8:00 in the evening. This is on top of doctorate work. I'm not complaining. I LOVE meeting with parents. It is a great part of my job...making those connections. I understand that the more I know about a family's background helps me better educate a student. So in addition to me not meeting with Mike, I haven't been to the gym this whole week. Now I feel really bad about this. As I was driving home tonight I realized I'm in the same situation next week. I'm starting the week with a 7:30 morning conference on Monday where I will be dressed in some 50's attire as we are starting Red Ribbon Week. Monday's theme is Drug Free Days are Happy Days. Gotta find a poodle skirt. Tuesday morning it's an early meeting followed by conferences until 8:00 that night. Wednesday I have class until 9:00 p.m. Thursday morning meetings with more meetings after school until 8:00. Now at that point our staff is going to McCoy's down in Westport to hear the Women of Cherry Bomb perform at Boobs Rock! Okay, but I can't go the whole week without working out. So I realized I'm going to have to get up EARLY which I do NOT do well and go to the gym before I go to work. Not only for my own personal workout, but also for Team Topping.

Our district insurance provider has started this eight week competition between buildings. You could voluntarily sign up to walk for your building. At the end of 8 weeks the building with the most miles will have a lunch catered to their building. We are Walking to Wellness. Truthfully, I will be running some of that. I'm not giving myself an option. So next week could wear me out, but I'm impressed with myself that I'm setting morning workout goals.

Along the same line, let's discuss my new diet. Thursday I sent Mike a text and said I don't think I can do this during these two weeks of conferences. He was so understanding and agreed I could start the first of November. The diet is all protein with VERY limited carbs. It made me feel a little funky when I first started it. I needed some carbohydrate energy. Now, don't think I'm blowing the whole eating thing just because I'm not going on THE diet. I'm still eating healthy, but with more than protein.

Tonight's workout was good. There were also several funny parts. I was going to do squats with the weighted bar on my back. Mike said, "I'll hold this on my back you move the racks down." I said, "I don't know how." Thank Goodness a couple of gym guys saw the predicament and got the rack where it needed to be and even more goodness that Mike took the 90 pounds off the bar and put on less weight. So the command was (Mom, I apologize...I know you don't like this word, but I'm being real here) ass to your toes. Get your ass to your toes. That's how low I was supposed to squat. I couldn't squat quite that low, but it gave me a goal. We also did a new thing for triceps. I stopped in the middle and said, "This is a good one. I can really feel it. I like to tell you when we do good things as well as the bad." This led us into a conversation about attitude and people who are glass half full versus people who are glass half empty. I'm not sure I will ever share all of that conversation, but Mike is a counselor in many ways. He made me aware of some things that I needed to be made aware of and I heard him. But it hurt...it made my heart hurt a little cause it wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear. And now, I'll ponder on it for several days I'm sure. That's just what I do.

Mike wore flip flops to the gym tonight. I had on my workout shoes. It's obvious who does the work in these sessions. So after I had been standing on my head doing pike pushups, Mike said, "On your back. You have crunches to do." I had my legs resting on the weight bench and Mike sat at the other end playing with his toes. Those of you that know me well...know exactly where this is going. Mike starts talking about how his toes are after his show because of the spray on tan and the oils and stuff. I said, "I don't like feet. I'm not looking." He then moved his foot closer to me. I moved away. Now at this point I had already done 50 crunches and there were 50 more to go. Mike lost count because he was thinking of just how close he could put his foot to me without me freaking out and I couldn't even start counting because I had to make sure the foot stayed out of my personal space. I ended up laughing so hard. We had to start the 50 crunches over. For all I know I did 150 crunches. This is normal behavior. Whenever people find out I don't like feet they feel compelled to rub their feet on me. I have been chased in a school hallway numerous times. I was held in a swimming pool so my friend who is missing a toenail (I'm gagging just thinking about this one) could rub that toe all over me. In high school I was held outside of choir thinking I was going to be late to class only to walk in and find everyone, including the director, barefoot. I really should not have told Mike about my issue with feet, but his were right there...really too close for comfort.

I had a full moon day. A kindergartner who was practicing his cowboy spitting. He was coughing things up to spit on people if you get my drift. Then a first grader who threw his pineapple all over me because he was mad at me. And lots of other stuff. I frantically finished an assignment that was due to MU tonight when I got home from work. I can't tell you how good it felt to go to the gym and workout with my trainer. I always feel good after those workouts. It was just what I needed. It's a beautiful, sometimes painful, usually fun stress relief!

Run Run Fast As You Can

Mike and I met for the first time last night in a week and a half. Mike had been preparing for his show and then recovering from his show. I am happy to say he took first runner up. I am very proud of him. I had every intention of continuiing on with my workout even though Mike wasn't there. I made it to the gym two times and did a 5k in that time. I should have done way more.

I have had a very frustrating last couple of weeks. My laptop which is my link to the doctorate program has come down with a nasty virus. At several points this has put me behind in homework and deadlines are quickly approaching. So there have been at least two times I could have chosen to go to the gym, but opted to work on homework instead.

When Mike I met last night I was worn out. It had been a physically and emotionally draining day at work. I didn't take time to drink a protein shake first. Not my best plan. Everything we did was really hard. We started with some nasty leg presses that didn't just get my legs, but my butt too. Then Mike decided it was time to do a new excercise called a one arm dead lift. I tried. I tried again. I got snippy with Mike. He got snippy right back and told me I was overanalyzing it and that there was no reason I couldn't do the exercise. Finally, I just gave up and told him we had to do something else. He must have been as frustrated with the exercise as I was because he let me stop. The next thing we did was chest presses where he kept adding weights to the bar. It's like when you're going to get a shot or have blood drawn and you don't want to see the size of the needle??? Yep...that's how I felt...I just didn't want to look and see how much weight was on there.

For the last 10 minutes Mike said we were going to be on the treadmill. I knew this didn't mean walking. So I immediately started feeling sick to my stomach. He set the clock for 6 minutes and let me walk the first minute and then we went into a slow jog. I made it a minute and then I hit the button down and said, "I can't do this. Why can't I do this? I feel like I"m going to puke. I feel like I'm going to fall. I used to be able to do this and now I can't what is the deal?" Mike just gave me this look. It wasn't a pleasant look. It almost felt like a look of disappointment. UGH. He said, "You just have to get past the part where you feel like you are going to throw up. YOu have to move past that and then you'll be fine." So I increased the speed and thought "It's not an option. You have to do this. Mike is not looking very pleased with you. You have run in the past. This is no different. Mike knows you can do it. You can't let him or yourself down." I ran for 2 minutes. So tomorrow the goal is 2 minutes and 30 seconds. I can't let this running overcome me. I have to be able to conquer it. I want to be a runner I think. Actually, I know that I do. I want to run. It is a mind over matter thing. I have to keep remembering that. But let me tell you...I don't want to see that look on Mike's face again. It didn't make me feel good at all. And between the look and the pain of running at one point I thought I was going to cry. That would have been a memorable workout for sure. :(

So I came home last night feeling like a loser because I couldn't run the whole 5 minutes and because I quit on the one armed dead lift. Yes, a loser. I hate it when I don't do what I set out to do. It's a problem for me. Well, obviously something in the workout worked because tonight...my legs, my butt, and my arms are all so sore, I can hardly move. It's a good pain. I'm ready to get back into the swing of things and hit it hard again. When I meet with Mike on Sunday we're going to change my diet. I have a feeling it's going to be challenging, but I'm ready for that. I need it.

Unwrapping the past

Almost two months ago I received a request to be a friend with somone I didn't know. Her name is Mindy. It so happens she is the cousin of a friend of mine who happens to be the mom of a really good friend of mine. Anyway, Mindy had been talking to our mutual friend about her own weight loss challenges. The friend recommended my blog to her. After she read my blog, she requested to be my friend on FB. Mindy tells me I am an inspiration to her. Well...I think it is the other way around. This woman has lost over sixty pounds since last spring. She is hard core. Her before and current pics are incredible. Now we keep each other motivated. I am so proud of her.

What gets me more than people complimenting me on my new look is people who tell me I inspire them to lose weight. When I started this, I never imagined that would be an outcome.

Tonight I started chatting with a friend I had met in June. This might be the second time we have chatted on FB. Although, everytime we chat we learn we have more and more in common. It's surreal. It's even more surreal that another new friend has come into my life at about the same time and the things we have in common are freaky at times. Same tv shows, same foods, same shopping tastes. Meeting new people and developing new friendships is a blessing in life to me. I've never had to seek it out. It always happens. Anyway, this friend I met in June has been reading my FB posts and should be catching up on my blog right now. Tonight she asked me how I like having a trainer. I said, "Hands down it is THE best decision I have ever made!" I'm excited to help this friend through her own journey as a cheerleader on the side line. I never expected the reactions that would result from my action of hiring a trainer.

Remember? I had known about Mike the trainer since January. He had talked to my husband about working out with me. I didn't do it though because I thought someway, somehow, I had to figure it out on my own. Yet, the pounds kept coming on. I knew I was waaaayyyy too fat to work out with a trainer so I decided I would get twenty pounds off before I worked with him. That lasted until the end of April when I couldn't stop crying. My clothes didn't fit right. I didn't want to buy the next size. I couldn't look in the mirror. I really didn't believe I could even get a job in school adiministration because of my weight. So I made the call. I was so nervous that first time. Truth? I was nervous for at least the first month. Now Mike and I have developed a relationship built on trust and I don't get nervous about going to the gym. Sometimes, I get a little scared because I know it's going to be intense.

Now that Mike is done with his show we are going to give extra focus to my diet. Ironically, the worst part for me is eating enough. I am scared of food. Isn't that weird? A fattie scared of food? There are several reasons...and I've debated on what to share on here, but I feel compelled so here goes...

The summer before my senior year I walked religiously. I walked three miles in the morning and another three after dinner EVERY DAY. I also swam every day. I don't completely remember what my eating habits were like, but I know I was counting calories to make sure I was burning off what I was eating. By the time I started my senior year I was as thin as I had ever been. I felt great. However, it wasn't enough for the guy I was dating. We went swimming at the beach at a local lake. I thought we had a great time. A few days later at school one of his friends told me that the boyfriend had referred to me as a beached whale. Please don't think the friend was ratting him out. He told me with the boyfriend standing there and they both laughed. Today? I would have walked away and never looked back. Then? I was so insecure and thought this guy would be the only guy ever interested in me so I took it. I took a lot more from him too. He was soooo mean to me. Yet, I didn't think I deserved better. Even though the scales were at their lowest I still saw fat Tammy reflected in the mirror. It didn't help with the comments I received from the boyfriend. I was pretty desperate.

While my friends spent senior skip day together (I didn't feel like they really wanted me there) so I went and hung out with some people I worked with at a local fast food establishment in Olathe. We went bowling with our boss. We went to his house. We had a fun day. That night the boss had to work at a store different from our location. Two of the guys I had been hanging out with all day suggested we go pay a visit. We did. We went into the store and the two friends took off. That left me with the boss. Within a few minutes we were in the freezer and I had a knife to my throat. I didn't tell my parents, I couldn't. I was so scared that I had done something to bring this on. So I didn't report it to the police and there was no testing done to have proof of what had happened. I went to prom the next night with my boyfriend who didn't really like me, but thought it was cool to be with a senior as he was only a junior. I did tell him what happened. He laughed. He said I probably did something to deserve it. Well...guess what I internalized? You betcha...I internalized that being raped by my boss was my fault. It didn't help that the guy I was dating told me it was my fault. He believed that anyone that was raped did something to deserve it. And yes...I still stayed with him.

After a couple of weeks,my youth minister figured out I wasn't okay and questioned me and I couldn't lie. Truly I felt like I was going to bust inside. After I told him, he made me promise I would tell my parents. He actually gave me a deadline to tell them before he would. I felt like the world was against me. So one night after work, I told my mom, but made her promise not to tell my dad. After the words were out of my mouth, my mom started screaming for my dad immediately. He came running into the kitchen. I was mortified at this point and wanted to suck the words back in. I couldn't stand to see them in this pain. Holy Cow!!! My parents talked with an attorney who said that since there was no proof it was a he said she said thing and trying to prove it in court would be very difficult. My mom did contact the district manager for the establishment and demand that a report be filed. The district manager showed up at our store on a Friday night during a rush of people...took me to a booth in the back and started writing down the details of what I said happened. She had another person from the headquarters there too. I had no one. I had a crowd of people who saw me crying. Mostly, I had embarrassment.

Then I was reprimanded. As an employee of one store it was policy that I shouldn't have been in the other store. I'm not a rule breaker...I wasn't familiar with that rule. Maybe she made it up on the spot to cover her butt. I don't know. So the best medicine was to let it go and forget it happened. I'll tell you what happened after that, in order to make my family think I was okay I ate. My family are eaters. When you quit eating they know you aren't okay. As I was trying to eat to prove to them that we didn't need to talk about things I started to gain weight again. I have never been back to the weight I was my senior year since.
For me at some level, the weight is protection. I realize this is a psychological construct that I must eliminate, but it's hard. This has been a 20 year defense.

So there you have it. For a long time I've been telling myself this was not appropriate to put on the blog. However, this is a huge part of my challenge with weight. I am just now realizing this. It's a piece of emotional baggage that is being unravelled as I am on the journey of weight loss.

I am thrilled that I have followers who tell me I inspire them. It is amazing to me. I'm just little ole me trying to figure it out and getting my butt kicked and lovin every minute of it.

Centurion

I really have no idea if I spelled Centurion right or wrong. There is one blog reader who will correct me on it if I am wrong. Hopefully, she will do it in private. I ran into the gym tonight with my shoes untied because I was running a few late. The owner said, "Tammy, I'm scared for you tonight." She had been talking to Trainer Mike. Then she looked at me and got tears in her eyes because of the changes she can see. I told her about our "Good News" at work. A couple of years ago we started this thing where we turn in good news about staff members to our principal throughout the week. If there is good news then we get to wear jeans on Monday. I get pretty excited to read "Good News" on Monday. It's nice to see colleagues recognized for their hard work and dedication to a demanding job. This week there were several comments in there about me and my weight loss journey. I cried when I read them. People made comments about my new look, my new energy level, and my new attitude. I have transformed. In most ways this is a really good deal. I feel better than I have EVER felt before. There are a few challenges with the changes that I am working through. The challenges are terrifying to say the least.

So Michael says,"Okay..tonight we are going to do a Centurion workout. that's a 100 of each exercise." I know I gave him "the look". I think the look was intensified when he told me to grab two twelve pound weights and do one hundred lunges. He is so dedicated. He walked beside me counting as I went back and forth across the gym floor. Now, I don't take his dedication lightly. He has spent the last 20 weeks training for a body building show this coming Saturday. His energy is spent. He has transformed himself into a machine which is on very low energy right now. And when he mandated the next exercise of 100 squats with two twelve pound weights and made me move over to a rather low bench and make my butt touch it each time...he diligently counted. He continued to count as I did 100 reverse chin ups, 100 shoulder presses, 100 bicep curls, 100 lat pulls, 100 shrugs, 100 push ups, 100 crunches, 100 bicep curls, 100 leg presses, and 100 calf something or another. He even encouraged me. Readers, I needed encouragement. There were a couple of exercises we started and I was thinking "I'll show him. I'm not stopping. I'm going straight through." Then a body part would start to cramp or burn like I had let fire ants loose inside and I would have to pause and gather myself back together. Gathering myself back together involves digging deep inside and finding the power within to force me to finish. This is one of the biggest changes I have noticed in myself throughout this journey. I now know that if I dig deep and sometimes I have to dig REAL deep, I can find the strength to finish.

Tonight was my third workout in a row with Michael. We worked out last night and Saturday as well. I'm not going to see him again until after his show. It's important for him to take this time to get ready. I have a feeling it's going to be a long workout week for me. I thrive on the challenges he presents me. However, I think the biggest challenge is yet to come.

Pounds still aren't dropping as quickly as either of us would like. No I'm not in the closet eating ice cream and cake. For the most part I am now making healthy eating choices. The problem is that I don't eat enough. We had a long talk about this last night. I'm supposed to get up in the morning and eat then eat two hours later then eat two hours later...all day long. I just get busy and don't think about eating every two hours so I'm not taking in enough to lose weight. I explained why this is such an issue for me. I have always struggled with my weight and food is my enemy. Michael then made me name a food that would kill me if I put it in my body. I said, "Castor Beans" He didn't find that humorous and said, "You wouldn't put that in your mouth." I'm going to continue to make my healthy choices through this week and after Michael's show we are going to change me up a notch.We anticipate large results from this change. Stay tuned, readers.

I did get to have ice cream tonight after our workout because of the challenge. And guess what? It gave me heart burn and I couldn't totally enjoy it. But it made me feel better for a while. The goal is that no matter what is going on in my life I have to feed my body like a machine. The difficult part for me is that when I get really stressed like I have been these last few days/weeks...I don't want to eat. I remove food from the equation. I know it's stupid, but in trying to find answers to really challenging problems, I lose my appetite. However, I have promised Mike I will do this. We have talked about it a lot and I have thought about it a lot. I'm ready when he is. He has guided me this far and the results have been great. We will get the food part taken care of too. Oh and running...running is still a challenge for me. Gotta get that one under control too. It's a mental thing.

I only hope that as I am making these changes both physically and emotionally in this journey as well as the academic changes I am making in the doctorate program that I will not change so much that there are negative consequences. When you change so quickly and drastically it can put you in an uncomfortable state with those who are okay with the status quo.

I Can Only Imagine

I told my trainer's daughter tonight that he gives conflicting messages sometimes. The other day he told me speed doesn't matter, it's the motion. Tonight, I'm on this abductor/adductor machine for my legs. They were on fire, people! On FIRE! And what is my command? "Faster, faster..." Speed might not have mattered last week, but evidently tonight it did. I think I forgot to mention that last session I did leg presses with 360 pounds. Quite a few actually. It was scary. I was worried I was going to drop it, but I didn't. When we were working my back he told me he wanted a cheat at the end. This means that I pull the weight down anyway I can get it down. His daughter said, "Why do you want her to cheat?" Thank You!!! My question exactly because I've been in trouble before for using my hips when I'm supposed to be using my back or shoulders. Here was his response, "It's okay for her to cheat when I tell her to. It's what I want her to do and how I want her to do it."

We ended tonight's workout with me doing 30 seconds of jumping jacks followed by dropping to the floor on my back and doing abs for 30 seconds repeated three times. Trainer was sitting on an exercise ball and the only other person in the gym, came up and grabbed another ball. As she was rolling it away she gave me a thumbs up and said, "Great job. You're awesome!" It made me feel so good. Then as she was leaving the gym, she said, "You did a great job." I'm telling you words of affirmation is certainly my love language.

Tomorrow morning I am going to Leawood to meet my Mom and Dad. Sandy can't attend, but Mom and I are walking the Free to Breathe 5k in honor of my uncle. I do think it might be a smidge chilly. As my dad said, "At least you and your mom will be walking and keeping warm." I advised him to wear a jacket. He's our photographer. It doesn't seem possible that we are about to start our fourth month without my uncle. It's really weird and unreal to me. Yesterday, I had a second grader asking me what I thought Heaven was like. I wouldn't have answered her if her mom weren't there. There is the whole church and state rule I have to adhere to. Anyway, this little girl...they had a young family member who died a tragic death and the little girl is really struggling with it. (I'm now sobbing typing this.) The little girl said, "Mrs. Bunch, do you think she hurts anymore? Does she have to worry about people being mean to her?" I told her that based on everything I know about Heaven there is no more pain, no more suffering. The Mercy Me song "I Can Only Imagine"...comes to mind. There is the peace I find when I start missing my uncle knowing that he doesn't have to suffer anymore. If you haven't heard the song...it's one of my favorites...
"Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in honour of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine"
Well friends...thinking about the second grader started me crying and now I'm thinking about other stuff and crying harder and I'm going to short the computer out if I keep typing because I am NOT okay at this moment...signing off for now!!!

Biggest Loser

Went to the dr today for this hideous allergy/sinus problem I've developed as a result of dust and mold. I was up most of the night itching and coughing. Feel like crud. Anyway, dr walks into the room looks at me and says, "Did you ever in your wildest dreams think this was possible for you?" No I never thought this was possible. According to his scales I'm officially down 15 pounds now. I whined that it needs to be coming off quicker, but doc is extremely happy and says one day I'm going to hop on the scales and it will just start falling off.

Now I've taken my drugs and am lying in bed watching Biggest Loser. I've been into this show since the Ali season. I've watched it religiously and thought wow what an opportunity those people have. I've picked up some tips, but have always thought I could never work out like that because I have a shoulder issue and some other back issues and I don't have time and a myriad of other excuses. Guess what? I'm doing it now. I've been crying through most of tonight's episode mixed with a little chuckling. As contestants have said, "I'm going to die or I can't do this"...I think in almost every training session I have I say, "I'm going to die." And I might even say it multiple times doing a workout. Yet, I also find myself relating to the guy on here who says you just have to put one foot in front of the other. You have to tell yourself you can do it...it's mental. ABSOLUTELY! SOOOO VERY TRUE! I used to be scared of the challenge, but I'm not scared anymore. Now I know I can. Now instead of feeling fearful of workouts, I feel like I'm never giving it enough. That feeling permeates throughout most of what I do in my life, but is intensified in this part of the journey.

Last season on Biggest Loser there was a gal that started out at a weight within three pounds of my weight. It scared me badly. Really bad. I couldn't bring myself to call the trainer because I was too fat to workout. That is what I thought. It was finally in desperation at the end of the Biggest Loser season that I made the call. Watching my favorite show has a whole new meaning for me now. It's gone to a whole new level.

The pushups we did last night...I did pushups with 140 pounds on my back. My chest not only scratches and burns on the inside from the allergy thing, but also is very sore because those pushups rocked it for me.

I Think I Can!

Weights...cardio...weights...cardio...weights...cardio! Heart pumping! It's perplexing that the workout begins with trainer saying, "I saw this workout once. I've never done it. I kinda want to see how it works." Are you kidding me? Then he wants to know why I was so quiet? I couldn't catch my breath long enough to form words. Not to mention, I think I was having a lack of oxygen to the brain and couldn't even form thoughts! I came home and collapsed. I was nauseous and my heart was still beating really hard 45 minutes after the workout.

I did have to draw the line tonight. We went outside at the end and I was reading his mind. I knew he wanted me to run up the hill. However, there were people sitting down there. I wasn't going to do it. I still have this fear of running. I have to overcome it. I know I do. I was doing so well until I hurt my foot and couldn't run for a while. Now it's total regression. I didn't have the confidence to run THE HILL in front of people. NO WAY! So he found another hill. It was a cruddy run. Wishing I would have hit it a little harder. Oh well...at that moment in time I thought I was going to collapse. I'm going to make it my goal to run at least 10 minutes each time I workout on my own. That's what I have to do. It can't be an option. NO EXCUSES! That would be 50 minutes of running a week. I think I can...I think I can...I think I can...

I would love to type more, but I must read this stuff for class so I can start my paper.

Stress Release

Down two pounds and incredibly excited! All of the chicken and vegetables are paying off. Right now I have an incredibly intense craving for a blueberry muffin!!! Totally random...no idea where it came from, but hoping it will go away soon. I'm learning cravings too shall pass!

Friday I was driving around picking up donations for the "sweet" walk which was part of our school carnival that night. Isn't this ironic? She who loves a good cake has her car loaded down with them? A chocolate cake had my name all over it I was telling a coworker. She told me I needed to win it. I said, "Ha! What would trainer Mike say about that?" To which a person I shall name Mrs. Rude replied, "You work out with a personal trainer?" "Yes I do. I have been since May. I'm down 16.5 inches and 4 jeans sizes." "16.5 inches? (This is where NICE/SUPPORTIVE people reply...you should be so proud of yourself or way to go or really any positive comment. You are about to find out why this person is called Mrs. Rude!)WHOA! You must have started as a big girl!" I'm still not sure how you respond to that kind of comment. Luckily, this wasn't earlier in my training or on a bad day because it might have brought me to tears. However, I was pretty much able to blow it off. I did post it on FB and received NUMEROUS supportive comments from many friends. I have copied them and pasted them into a document in case I need support or in case when I see this person tomorrow I am tempted to knock a tooth out!

Speaking of knocking a tooth out! We have started adding a little martial arts mix into my workouts at the gym. I give kudos to Mike for even thinking to try this. He must be courageous because I am clutzy and uncoordinated. However, I LOVE it and enjoy every moment of it. My friend Amy and I took a martial arts class at our church for a while. Okay for maybe six weeks until everyone else was going to test for a belt and we weren't there yet. That was way different though. We were just learning some moves and "routines". Same thing with my Tae Bo DVD's. Now we are applying some things. What I've learned the hard way (by the way that's how I learn a lot of things so don't be surprised!)is you have to keep those hands up to protect your face. It should come as no shock to you that I now know this because I got hit in the face. TWICE! Once last week and once tonight! Readers, do not fret. I'm excited about this. Tonight after dinner my husband and I were sitting out front watching hummingbirds and he said, "Why is there a bruise on your eye?" I said, "That's where Mike hit me!" I quickly ran and looked in the mirror. I don't know if it will be a full fledged black eye in the morning, but there will more than likely be some explaining to do. I called my mom to ask her if I ever had a black eye in my list of injuries. She and my dad think this is a first. The three of us had an INCREDIBLE laugh on the phone. I am so happy I could provide this joy for them because our family has been under a lot of stress trying to get Grandpa's place ready for an auction. Have I mentioned that my grandma was a hoarder? It's waaaayyyy bad. Anyway, I can't wait until my next "boxing" session. I can't think of words to explain how invigorating it is. I have a lot of built up aggression and this is by far THE BEST release I have ever found. NOT KIDDING!!!

Pieces of a Puzzle

Does your life ever feel like a jigsaw puzzle? There are all of these pieces that need to fit together to make it whole. Sometimes, somone comes by and bumps the table the puzzle is sitting on and a piece falls out of place? I'm feeling like some of my pieces have been misplaced.

It's been a lonnnng week. The old adage it could always be worse has run through my head a lot since last Friday. Lots of stress at work. A parent who verbally attacked me and made me question my purpose for being in education. This is serious business for me because I have always felt I was placed in this profession by God. In ten years, I have never been treated like this. It has taken an emotional toll. This piece of my puzzle was taken by words. Wish I would have had it glued in better.

I've kicked in some intense workouts as a result. It makes me feel in control. On Tuesday I even tried running again. First time since hurdling the chair. I did sprints for 15 minutes and was pretty impressed with myself and at the same time a little concerned. October 9th is going to be here before I know it. That's the day I'm running a 5k with my sister. She's up to 2.7 miles. I have a lot of catching up to do. It's another piece I have to put into place.

This week I also started a new eating regmine prescribed by my loyal trainer. Eggs, oatmeal, asparagus, chicken, broccoli...that's about it. I've stuck to it. Tonight I went into the gym and guess where we started? The scales. UGH! And guess what else? They haven't moved! Trainer said he was concerned which FREAKED me out! But why should I be surprised? I've been fighting this battle for a flippin long time. It is absolutely ludicrous to me. Experts say it's simple...burn more calories than you eat. I might be the medical mystery in regard to this theory. So gang...I'm down...way down! Frustrated and sad. For my entire life I don't remember ever being able to find this piece of the puzzle. Yes, I've weighed less at times. Yes, at times I've been successful in losing. But this piece never stays in place. I feel like if I could find it this time I would be successful. Michael is giving me tools, courage, and emotional strength. I know if I could find it I wouldn't lose it, but where is it?

You know how Emeril says "Kick it up a notch!" Michael didn't say those words tonight, but it had to be what he was thinking in response to the number on the scale. I hadn't admitted to him that my foot was well enough to run yet because I wanted to have a little time to run on my own first. No such luck. There was running tonight. I begged and pleaded to not run. The gal on the treadmill next to me said she was amazed I could talk so much while running. I told her I could talk through anything. It's a true story. There does come a point in running where I feel like I'm going to die...okay...really this point comes the MOMENT I start running. it scares me bad. Anyway, running usually shuts me up. I have to put all of my focus on not falling off the treadmill. I did lots of lunging tonight too. I was light headed several times and at the end of the workout I couldn't even leave the gym. I had to sit down and catch my breath. It was intense. As I've said before and I'm sure I'll say again, Michael is a piece of the puzzle I've long been searching for. The more intense the workout and the more he challenges me the better I feel. This is more than one piece of the puzzle. It's several for sure.

As I'm blogging I'm wondering this (and I'm not sure I have the answer)...my confidence level was down tonight in the gym. Was it down because I was scared and threatened by the cardio? Was it down because I just want to give up because the scale isn't moving? or was it down because I'm just emotionally spent this week? Things to ponder I guess. Certainly something I have to figure out. I have to find this piece of the puzzle. It's necessary to put the whole thing together.

Head For The Cure

When my uncle passed away in July, it was a combination of brain and lung cancer. My mom found a 5k to do with my sister and I in Homer's honor. We had shirts made with a fine pic of Homer on the back and a caption that says In Memory of Homer Stone 1950-2010. My dad came to the walk to take pics. Hopefully, he will be able to walk with us next year. His back would not allow him to do so this time. Mom has gout in her foot and had been lecturing Sandy and I that if we needed to walk off and leave her to do so because she didn't want to hold us up. Sandy and I spent the first two miles looking at the back of mom's shirt...she was truckin...on the last mile she slowed down a bit. It was a great time. Large turnout with over 250,000 dollars made for brain cancer research.

I came back home, picked up a grocery store list, did the grocery shopping, unloaded the groceries and then went to meet Michael at the gym. We had a rather intense workout. Which you all know I LOVE. I'm not being sarcastic. The more challenging and the more sweat involved the better for me. There were a couple of things that were really hard for me involving squats and holding weights on my back, but friends I just imagined all of the horrible, ugly things that parent said to me for 45 minutes on Friday and I pushed through most of my exercises with few problems. It's not good that I'm still angry about the Friday situation, but it was bad. Speaking of that...on Friday night I jumped on the elliptical and kept my heart rate at 172 for thirty mintues. I was really mad then. Now I'm a little anxious about going back. I'm worried about what her next plan of action might be. ENOUGH OF THAT!

Anyway, I had a great workout at the gym today because Michael couldn't have cared less that I had already completed a 5k. In the past when I've done a 5k I would come home take a nap, eat whatever I wanted and glory in the fact that I had completed a 5k. That was the old Tammy. The new and improved Tammy realizes that walking a 5k is FANTASTIC, but there is still much more to do.

Tomorrow I am going to be on Michael's diet with him for the next six weeks. It looks a little boring, but I'm going to give it a shot and see what happens. I'm ready for the new challenge in the get fit journey. Besides that he made some snide comment on my FB wall about the diet not being for the faint hearted or something...and I was like...he didn't just say that...no way...cause...now it's on! And I say I'm not a competitive person! HA! Not competitive with others...could care less about them, but I am competitive with me and when someone says something about you might not be able to handle this...then I'll nearly kill myself trying! So chicken, egg whites, protein, oatmeal, broccoli, and asaparagus here I come. GET READY!

I'm trying to add pics from the 5k but having difficulty...you'll see them sooner or later...hang tight...

Note To Self

Dear Tammy,
I know you are a little worried about being in the last year of your thirties. You have so much you want to accomplish and so much you want to do. You have already started on one of the most challenging journey's of your life, overcoming the weight. So I do promise you that in a year you will be able to say you are Fit, Fine, and Forty! Dr. Seuss sums up what you are learning about weight loss and fitness best...“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”
Yours Truly

Yep, a promise I made to myself this week is that I will be Fit, Fine, and Forty! In one year I will still be working out, I will still be focusing on what I eat, but I will have conquered it.

I'm still on a high from my workout tonight. I was dreading it all day. I didn't eat well at all yesterday because it was my day. Already this is an improvement because in the past it has been my birthday month with a heavy emphasis on the week of my birthday and extra attention given to celebrating on the day. This week I just splurged on the day and I was soooo sick when I went to bed last night that I was swearing off cake forever. I had a secret hope that Michael was joking when he posted on FB that we would do a push up for each year of my life times three. Didn't take me long to figure out that was 117. We did them first off. What a birthday present. But let me take that right back. It was a great birthday present to me because I did it! And as we added yet more push ups throughout the workout I did those too. We were over 150 when I lost count. I think it was pushing 200, but like I said I lost count. I was focusing very hard on not puking.

Michael is sending me a food list and I'm going on his diet with him for the last six weeks of his training. I don't think I've mentioned that he is getting ready for a competition. The guy is crazy dedicated. He is in the gym twice a day just for his workouts not to mention those of us he comes to train. I'm scared about this diet, but I'm excited too. Michael has completely transformed himself this summer. It's been really inspiring to see someone work with such dedication and committment. I'm excited to see the physical effects of the diet, but also interested in the mental challenge it will pose. I did have to be upfront about the fish part. Tammy don't do fish. ICK! Anyway, readers I'm sure you'll be reading more about my change in eating habits very soon.

On another note...(I do have a lot to say tonight!)...feeling a little anxious about starting back to class and keeping up the pace of working out. When I started this in May my class was finished. This summer I had class and wasn't working. Now I have class, work which has changed a lot this year because of my new responsibilities, and I need to workout. Here's the deal...I would rather be working out than doing any of the other stuff. I really would. I just have to adjust to the new normal. Might be learning to have less sleep. I just feel so much better when I work out and I can tell if I skip a day. I get irritable and have less stamina.

Yesterday I went to visit my chiropractor. I said, "Had a little incident a couple of weeks ago?" He said as he already started giggling (my stories tend to have this effect on people) "something go wrong in the gym?" Me now laughing replied, "I tried to hurdle a chair and I failed." He had to have every detail so he could totally laugh and then say, "Tammy, you never stopped to think that might be a bad idea?" Duh..if I had thought I wouldn't have done it. Anyway, he adjusted my foot. He said I did a great job of jamming my big toe. It felt better today than it has in a while, but when trying to run up the hill outside of the gym it hurt. Michael had mercy and only made me lunge. The deal is...I want to run. I never ever in a million years thought I would say this, but I miss the challenge. I'm going to have to ease back into it starting very soon I think...AND HELLO!!! The 5k I'm supposed to be running with my sister is October flippin 9th!!! That's SOON!!! I have to go from 0-3.1 miles in about six weeks. Scary Stuff!

On a final note to self which is a modified quote from one of my dear high school friends...
Dear Tammy,
You've met you right? You know you're a clutz right? You should try harder to avoid self induced accidents.
Yours Truly

AAAAWWWW!!! Little Motivator...

I went into a third grade classroom today to teach my first lesson of the year. Arranged all of the students in a circle on the floor, had just drawn a breath to speak when I noticed little Logan bouncing up and down with his hand in the air. As any educator would be, I was fully prepared to tell him he could go to the bathroom. "Yes, Logan, what do you need?" "All I can say is WHOA! That trainer must have made you work hard this summer. You look beautiful." With a tear in my eye I replied, "Oooohhh! How nice of you to notice." Another little guy said, "Your trainer didn't let you take a summer vacation?" "Nope! Michael doesn't believe in summer vacation." Anyway, this little kid has me wrapped now. I mean seriously!

I am motivated by words of affirmation. It is my love language. I haven't read the book, only skimmed it, but it's true. Give me a compliment and I will soar. I will work harder and go the extra mile. I will think about the compliment and remember it for years to come. It doesn't matter if the compliment comes from an eight year old, senior citizen or anyone in between, it's a natural high for me in situations which are otherwise challenging or stressful.

I don't think I've written yet...and if I have you can read it again I guess. As of two weeks ago, I was down 16.5 inches. WOOT HOOT! Unbelievable. I put on a skirt this week that was a little snug last spring. It has a zipper down the side. Who needs a zipper? I pulled it up without any unzipping. The only thing holding that thing on was some inches around the hips. I wore it and prayed I wouldn't get into a situation where a student would pull on it and say, "TEACHER!" If that had happened we wouldn't have been singing pants on the ground...we'd have sung skirt on the ground, skirt on the ground...

While I'm in the mood to blog let me just share another little sumpin...
Tonight at the gym another trainer took her client out to the parking lot where they were running laps together. It's a little hot out for that sort of thing if you ask me, but no one asked me. There is this GINORMOUS hill between the gym and the car lot next door. Several times Michael has mentioned he needed to get permission to use the hill so we could lunge it. I should have understood he was not kidding. Tonight this trainer had her person out there climbing the hill. I prayed, "Dear God, please please don't let Michael drive by and see this." Later, in a text message I found out Michael had seen it and official permission for use of the hill exists. In case you don't know this about me, I tend to be very smart aleck. As a matter of fact, my smart aleck nature has increased recently. It's a natural thing that I don't even think about. Yep, you know why I'm explaining this...because AFTER Michael told me we had permission to use the hill and he had seen the exercises being done I made a VERY smart aleck comment to him. VERY! I'm sore already just thinkin about it.

The Intimidator

I can't promise this will be the only time I write about being intimidated cuz lots of things intimidate this girl. Tonight I was at the gym and did cardio for thirty minutes trying to forget the stress of this day. Okay maybe this week. Let me digress from the workout for a moment and fill you in on my stressors.

I'm a school counselor. Last year I had 7 students lose a parent from five different families. It was draining. Additionally, we had several families with students who lost grandparents. I was also aware that my uncle could die at any time. He did die this summer. Last Friday a dad with five kids died of a brain anyeurism. He was a stay at home dad and volunteered at our school all of the time. No matter how hard I try to build a barrier between me and my feelings regarding death it is looming. It drains me emotionally and then I become stressed. Okay...moving back to the workout...

Finished my thirty minutes on the elliptical, ticked off the whole time because I need to be running on the treadmill, but my foot isn't quite there yet. EEEERRRR! Oh the stupidity of being Tammy. Anyway, as I was wiping the elliptical down I caught a glimpse of this woman I had never seen before. I had to do some self talk "Tammy, it would be rude if you stare." So I went to do abs and put myself in a position where I was looking at her. The only words I know to use for this woman are that she is built. And the men in the gym knew it too. Never once has someone offered to help me when I am using free weights. These men were all about making sure she had what she needed.

I'm referring to this hard body woman as an intimidator because she is to me. I would not set foot over in the free weights because she was over there. I've been making progress, but now in my head it isn't enough progress because I don't look like her. As a matter of fact she was probably thinking...honey, you've got a long way to go. The counselor in me realizes this is probably not rational thinking, but I can't help it. I've always been intimidated by women who have their fitness groove on and attract every male eye within a 50 mile radius.

I guess it gives me more motivation to work harder. Michael and I haven't met since Saturday morning and I wasn't on my A game because of my foot. Don't think for a second he didn't challenge me...he doesn't know how not to challenge me. But because I couldn't give it my all I feel like it wasn't a real workout. That combined with the death of the parent at our school and starting a new job have me feeling grouchy and irritable. I can't shake it. I want to be at the gym now because I never feel like I do enough.

You've Got The Look

Several times my trainer has said he would like to video tape my facial expressions during a workout. I try not to look at myself in the mirror, but according to him I say a lot with just expression. Monday was my first day back at work and I scheduled a 9:00 p.m. session. This is normally when I curl up in bed with the t.v., at least one cat, and a book. I was tired. However, in case you haven't figured it out, I'm dedicated to this journey. Trainer Michael had been on a road trip during the day and had plenty of time to plot out the session. It should not have surprised me that he decided to add himself to the weights I was lifting for a little extra nor should I have been surprised when he decided to have me do this exercise on a machine that is not on the diagram for how to use the machine. There were others working out and this guy said, "You're gonna kill her." Michael had some smart aleck reply about...that not happening. Even when I said I was dying he said, "You're not purple. You're fine." And when I kept getting the position wrong we used the analogy of skiing. I said, "Oh like when I'm skiing on my Wii." Here was the reply, "You should ONLY ski on the Wii. You should NEVER EVER go skiing for real. You will die. You can't even zipline! How do you expect to ski?" "Well it looks fun." "Just don't do it. You shouldn't be on skis." In less than 15 hours from this conversation I had an incident that Michael didn't warn me about. I'll get to that in a few. After we did this skiing squat exercise we went to work my legs. I couldn't see my face, but I could feel the contortions I was making with my face as I was trying to accomplish these quad exercises. They hurt bad. There was intense burning involved. When we moved to the hamstrings the pain was worse. Finally, we finished and I was released to go get a drink of water. One guy says to Michael something to the effect of that was a look of hate...that look meant she hated you. Like Michael cares if I hate him or not??? It just made me feel good that these guys in the gym realized what I was being put through and were having sympathy for me. It was a challenging workout for sure. And if I haven't explained this yet...whatever Michael tells me to do...I'm going to do or at least try really really hard. He is the guru. He could tell me to climb on the roof of the building, jump off, and lunge the parking lot and repeat and I would do it because he said to. I feel that what he says in our sessions is non negotiable and it's working. It's working because I'm down in pounds and inches, 16.5 inches to be exact. This is motivating to me and it makes me want more...badly! I am driven to lose more.

Alright...fast forward to 13 hours after my work out and my lecture about not skiing. I'm sitting at an inservice. I'm in the back row of an auditorium. The seats are like movie theater seats. The speaker gives us 10 minutes to discuss as a group what he has been talking with us about. I think this is a perfect time to go to the bathroom and I don't want to ask everyone to move so I can scoot down the aisle which was pretty narrow. Amy said, "As much as you've been working out...you can totally hurdle that chair." So I hurdled which went well getting the left leg on the platform behind us. It was the right foot that slid down the crack of the chair, hit the concrete floor while the chair closed on my leg. I turned to look behind me to see my whole staff laughing. Some were laughing way harder than others and I was laughing too until Amy tried to push on the seat of the chair which compressed my foot. So our wonderful music teacher came around to what was now the front of me and pulled me out while someone behind me gently opened the chair. Both feet felt weird with no significant pain. The left toe lost a chip out of the nail which irritated me because of my pedicure. I came back from the bathroom and thought all was well. We left and went to lunch and when we were there I looked at my right toe to notice the intense bruising and increasing pain.

I came hobbling into the house and said to my husband...I had a little incident today..."Did you hurt your back?" "No look at this." as I put my foot in front of him. "Wow! That's broken." I called my mom and she was laughing so hard she was crying. I posted on FB and people from childhood, people from my previous employer, and people from where I currently work all said similar things..."Tammy, you've met you right? Why would you think it would be okay to hurdle a chair?" Of course this is all on the heels of my trainer talking about my clutzy tendencies. We had also had this conversation with friends of ours in Ozark last week. And over the weekend we had the conversation with friends from high school who talked about the fact that I own my own set of crutches. We didn't talk about the walking boot, three air casts, and other braces that I own, but still you get the picture. No one is surprised by this accident. Someone even said thank you for such a humorous post. Today has been okay as long as I don't put any pressure on that part of my foot. I have to step on the outside. Even under my toe is swollen. Needless to say I didn't go to the gym last night. I was so ticked off at myself that I put myself to bed at 6:45 and rented Dear John. I drooled over Channing Tatum and became so angry at the way the movie ended...I read the book and didn't remember the ending. EEEERRR!!! So it did little to calm me down. I have spent today hobbling around and trying not to be too noticable about it because I was with the entire district today and I didn't want to have to explain what stupid act precipitated this injury. So just so you've got at least this look I'm inserting a picture of the angry toe/foot.

Super Size Me

Returned today from six days in the Ozarks. Nothin like a little southern fried comfort food for the soul. Said to my husband as we were planning...I can't leave until I workout with Michael. I know we usually get on the road earlier, but I can't miss a workout. He was very understanding and I did indeed get a workout in. Of course it was intense. Lots of squatting. My legs hurt bad. It didn't help that we then rode in the car for three hours. I was stretching every which way. The next day we were in the car for thirteen hours. My legs didn't quit hurting until Tuesday which was three days later. Those squats must be some kind of wonderful. Mind you we were in the car for all of those hours, but we never left the state of Missouri. We ended our thirteen hours at Lamberts. Holy Cow!!! I ate soooo much. Seriously...if you wait an hour and a half and people are throwing food at you...who can't eat intensely? One splurge meal wouldn't have been bad, but it went south quickly...the next morning for breakfast and every morning after we had Dunkin donuts. There was more fried chicken, McDonald's, Taco Bell, ice cream...and not one...no not one workout session. We didn't even go on a hike. There was no exercise. It was eat, sit, sleep, repeat for six days.

I watched the movie Super Size Me a couple of years ago and I can totally relate to how that guy felt. I feel like a slug. I feel like I'm sweating grease. I feel guilty and irritable. Truly irritable. I ran into my trainer tonight and he asked me how bad I ate and I told him really bad. REALLY REALLY BAD!!! I can't wait to hit the gym tomorrow. As a matter of fact I might hit it more than once. I have another training session on Saturday and I can't wait. I want to get back on track. I feel icky. Who knew that one week could make such a difference in how I feel? WHAT WAS I THINKING???

The Parking Lot Is Hot

Today Michael made me start out on the scale. I really don't like it when he does that. I only let the nurse at the dr's office see my weight. Well I guess that was how it used to be because now Mr. Trainer knows too. However, I could have hugged him. As a matter of fact I did almost hug him. I had to stop myself. Because...I was down 6 pounds in a week and a half. Yes, 6 pounds. Michael says its because of the running and I know he's right so I'm going to have to keep it up.

I needed all of the adrenaline that was pumping because Michael and I went outside after that to run up a long hill. Actually, I ran and he timed me. Funny thing is...I never asked him what my time was. We did that three times and then I had to sprint up a small hill three times. And then we lunged the entire parking lot. Okay...not we...I lunged and he walked and coached me all the way.

We finally got to go inside where there was air conditioning because it is July in Missouri and it is hotter than heck outside. It was time for squats. I almost cried. Actually, I think a tear escaped my eye. I was squatting with weight on my back. And just when I was about to die Michael put his hands behind me and told me that I had to go lower. Can you hear the whining in my voice?

What my readers need to understand is that while I'm enduring this torture and trying to hold this barbell on my back and squat low enough, Michael is smiling. Today he told me I was a good experiment. I've never been compared to a guinea pig before. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Yes, he says I'm an experiment because he tells me to do something and I do it. I guess not all clients work this way. I just want to get healthy and he's the guru so he says squat and I say how low?

We had to do dead lifts next followed by pushups followed by dead lifts followed by pushups followed by dead lifts followed by pushups. More whining. Next we did some arm stuff and another tear escaped. It hurt so bad. Michael's daughter, Amy, had joined us today. She was encouraging me. She is such a sweety. His wife was there too and I told her that if I died today it had been nice knowing her.

And just when you thought you were done lunging for the day because you had lunged the parking lot? Not so much...we lunged in the gym. Amy did it with me. Can I tell you that her legs are really long, she's really young, and she can get her butt to almost touch the floor? It's sick. I am going to try and get my butt that low to the floor. That is going to be a goal of mine. We finished our work out by playing catch with a medicine ball. Michael was standing and I was crunching. My legs are already sore. Really sore. Can't wait to feel what tomorrow brings.

Today's workout was really challenging. Michael has decided we need to take it to the next level. I'm scared, but lovin every minute of it!

Oh and now I'm down here in Columbia for a few more days...stopped in Concordia on the way and had a nice ice cream cone at this little dive. Michael, my blood sugar was dropping...I had to do something...iz all good!