Unwrapping the past

Almost two months ago I received a request to be a friend with somone I didn't know. Her name is Mindy. It so happens she is the cousin of a friend of mine who happens to be the mom of a really good friend of mine. Anyway, Mindy had been talking to our mutual friend about her own weight loss challenges. The friend recommended my blog to her. After she read my blog, she requested to be my friend on FB. Mindy tells me I am an inspiration to her. Well...I think it is the other way around. This woman has lost over sixty pounds since last spring. She is hard core. Her before and current pics are incredible. Now we keep each other motivated. I am so proud of her.

What gets me more than people complimenting me on my new look is people who tell me I inspire them to lose weight. When I started this, I never imagined that would be an outcome.

Tonight I started chatting with a friend I had met in June. This might be the second time we have chatted on FB. Although, everytime we chat we learn we have more and more in common. It's surreal. It's even more surreal that another new friend has come into my life at about the same time and the things we have in common are freaky at times. Same tv shows, same foods, same shopping tastes. Meeting new people and developing new friendships is a blessing in life to me. I've never had to seek it out. It always happens. Anyway, this friend I met in June has been reading my FB posts and should be catching up on my blog right now. Tonight she asked me how I like having a trainer. I said, "Hands down it is THE best decision I have ever made!" I'm excited to help this friend through her own journey as a cheerleader on the side line. I never expected the reactions that would result from my action of hiring a trainer.

Remember? I had known about Mike the trainer since January. He had talked to my husband about working out with me. I didn't do it though because I thought someway, somehow, I had to figure it out on my own. Yet, the pounds kept coming on. I knew I was waaaayyyy too fat to work out with a trainer so I decided I would get twenty pounds off before I worked with him. That lasted until the end of April when I couldn't stop crying. My clothes didn't fit right. I didn't want to buy the next size. I couldn't look in the mirror. I really didn't believe I could even get a job in school adiministration because of my weight. So I made the call. I was so nervous that first time. Truth? I was nervous for at least the first month. Now Mike and I have developed a relationship built on trust and I don't get nervous about going to the gym. Sometimes, I get a little scared because I know it's going to be intense.

Now that Mike is done with his show we are going to give extra focus to my diet. Ironically, the worst part for me is eating enough. I am scared of food. Isn't that weird? A fattie scared of food? There are several reasons...and I've debated on what to share on here, but I feel compelled so here goes...

The summer before my senior year I walked religiously. I walked three miles in the morning and another three after dinner EVERY DAY. I also swam every day. I don't completely remember what my eating habits were like, but I know I was counting calories to make sure I was burning off what I was eating. By the time I started my senior year I was as thin as I had ever been. I felt great. However, it wasn't enough for the guy I was dating. We went swimming at the beach at a local lake. I thought we had a great time. A few days later at school one of his friends told me that the boyfriend had referred to me as a beached whale. Please don't think the friend was ratting him out. He told me with the boyfriend standing there and they both laughed. Today? I would have walked away and never looked back. Then? I was so insecure and thought this guy would be the only guy ever interested in me so I took it. I took a lot more from him too. He was soooo mean to me. Yet, I didn't think I deserved better. Even though the scales were at their lowest I still saw fat Tammy reflected in the mirror. It didn't help with the comments I received from the boyfriend. I was pretty desperate.

While my friends spent senior skip day together (I didn't feel like they really wanted me there) so I went and hung out with some people I worked with at a local fast food establishment in Olathe. We went bowling with our boss. We went to his house. We had a fun day. That night the boss had to work at a store different from our location. Two of the guys I had been hanging out with all day suggested we go pay a visit. We did. We went into the store and the two friends took off. That left me with the boss. Within a few minutes we were in the freezer and I had a knife to my throat. I didn't tell my parents, I couldn't. I was so scared that I had done something to bring this on. So I didn't report it to the police and there was no testing done to have proof of what had happened. I went to prom the next night with my boyfriend who didn't really like me, but thought it was cool to be with a senior as he was only a junior. I did tell him what happened. He laughed. He said I probably did something to deserve it. Well...guess what I internalized? You betcha...I internalized that being raped by my boss was my fault. It didn't help that the guy I was dating told me it was my fault. He believed that anyone that was raped did something to deserve it. And yes...I still stayed with him.

After a couple of weeks,my youth minister figured out I wasn't okay and questioned me and I couldn't lie. Truly I felt like I was going to bust inside. After I told him, he made me promise I would tell my parents. He actually gave me a deadline to tell them before he would. I felt like the world was against me. So one night after work, I told my mom, but made her promise not to tell my dad. After the words were out of my mouth, my mom started screaming for my dad immediately. He came running into the kitchen. I was mortified at this point and wanted to suck the words back in. I couldn't stand to see them in this pain. Holy Cow!!! My parents talked with an attorney who said that since there was no proof it was a he said she said thing and trying to prove it in court would be very difficult. My mom did contact the district manager for the establishment and demand that a report be filed. The district manager showed up at our store on a Friday night during a rush of people...took me to a booth in the back and started writing down the details of what I said happened. She had another person from the headquarters there too. I had no one. I had a crowd of people who saw me crying. Mostly, I had embarrassment.

Then I was reprimanded. As an employee of one store it was policy that I shouldn't have been in the other store. I'm not a rule breaker...I wasn't familiar with that rule. Maybe she made it up on the spot to cover her butt. I don't know. So the best medicine was to let it go and forget it happened. I'll tell you what happened after that, in order to make my family think I was okay I ate. My family are eaters. When you quit eating they know you aren't okay. As I was trying to eat to prove to them that we didn't need to talk about things I started to gain weight again. I have never been back to the weight I was my senior year since.
For me at some level, the weight is protection. I realize this is a psychological construct that I must eliminate, but it's hard. This has been a 20 year defense.

So there you have it. For a long time I've been telling myself this was not appropriate to put on the blog. However, this is a huge part of my challenge with weight. I am just now realizing this. It's a piece of emotional baggage that is being unravelled as I am on the journey of weight loss.

I am thrilled that I have followers who tell me I inspire them. It is amazing to me. I'm just little ole me trying to figure it out and getting my butt kicked and lovin every minute of it.