Manic Monday

I've never been one to dread Mondays. As a matter of fact, I usually embrace them. You know...fresh starts, new beginnings? Today by about noon I was ready to fast forward to Tuesday. Monday had hit me, kicked me while I was down, assaulted me, laughed at me, called me names...it could always be worse. I try so hard to keep that in mind. When we are at our rock bottom and think it could get no worse, it could. It could always be worse. Just when you think you've heard the hardest most sad story ever, you hear one that tops it. I just don't allow myself to wallow in self pity. Okay I've digressed. At the end of the day a meeting was cancelled. I thought today would be a rest day from the gym because of scheduling issues. A cancelled meeting was just what I needed. I dashed home and changed into my workout clothes. I arrived at the gym and started running. I needed a stress relief in a bad way.

Normally I run thirty minutes and stop. Because running isn't my strong point I run for time, not miles. Tonight I hit thirty minutes and felt like Forest Gump. I just kept running. I got to forty minutes and thought I'm going to keep going. I ran for forty five minutes trying to shake Monday off. I have to say it was a GREAT way to kick Monday back. It wasn't pretty. There was eyeliner streaming down my face. My clothes were soaked with sweat. It wasn't fast. I'm not a sprinter. I didn't run the entire time. There was some brisk walking involved. The funny thing about the brisk walking was that I can still hear Trainer Mike in my head during some workouts. Tonight was one of those. "You own this." "Come on. Only 30 more seconds." "Tammy don't let your mind mess you up. You've got this." I could hear those things in my mind and used them every time I felt like I wasn't going to make it. Now instead of sitting here dwelling on all of the things I didn't like about this day, I'm celebrating my accomplishment. I followed it with a date with Calgon and am happy to say I am in my pjs with my gym bag packed for tomorrow morning. Lower body, I will own you. Go get it peeps! Don't let the stress of today take control. YOU are in control.

Distorted Images

In case you are new to this blog I work as an elementary school counselor. Some of my students have watched me physically change as I've been on this weight loss journey. When I first began and was dropping weight fast, I had several fifth grade girls who cheered me on. It was nothing to hear "OOOOHHHHH...you lookin good today, Dr. Bunch." It was encouragement that kept me going. Who doesn't like to be complimented on how they are looking? This school year I haven't made as many drastic physical changes so it's not in the front of the minds of my students. I do talk about the importance of setting goals and use the goals I set for working out and eating as examples when appropriate. I keep telling myself that I need to create a 5x7 of a then and now picture and hang it in my office. I have wanted to use this as a teaching tool. To those kids who were struggling academically or behaviorally I could say, "If you set goals and take small steps you can achieve many things." I had a conversation with a student at lunch last week that has caused me to change my mind. I was eating lunch with a group of third graders. One little girl was talking about her family working hard to make better eating choices. Another little (and I mean little VERY LITERALLY) said, "I've been trying to lose weight too. I've been exercising." I said, "I think it's great that you are trying to be healthier by exercising, but why are you trying to lose weight?" She replied, "Oh Dr. Bunch, I'll stop when I can see my ribs." Thank goodness I didn't have any food in my mouth at this time. I would have choked. I took a minute to compose myself and said, "Honey, if you can see your ribs...it's probably not very healthy." All of the girls assured me that to look good you have to be skinny AND if when you look at the really pretty girls you can see their ribs. These babies are in THIRD grade. They are nine and ten years old!!! As educators we are always looking for "teachable moments." That moment which hasn't been planned for, but it's a fleeting moment that has to be seized as an opportunity to help students grow either academically or socially. Here was a teachable moment smacking me in the face! I talked with the girls about my own journey. I explained that the reason I started working out and watching what I was eating was not to look like a girl in a magazine or on tv. My reasons for making the change were because I had gone to the dr and he had listed all of these medical issues I was facing because of my weight. I explained about diabetes, high cholesterol, and heart conditions. I explained how much better I feel because I am working out and trying to eat healthier. After lunch, I called the little girl's mom to explain my concerns. I didn't want to get her in trouble, but I needed her parents to be aware of what she is thinking. The conversation didn't go as I wanted it to. Her mom assured me that she only runs around the outside of the house and doesn't run far enough or long enough to lose that much weight. EEEEK!!! Here is where I had to tread lightly. She is the mom after all, but I was in a perfect position to offer a smidge advice? I said, "As someone who has struggled with body image, it's not the amount of running that concerns me. It's her distorted view of what's healthy. I just wanted you to be aware so you can keep your eye on her. As she is getting older and peer pressure increases, I don't want her to make poor choices because of body image." The mom seemed appreciative of my phone call and said she would keep an eye on things. In preparation for having lunch with these girls tomorrow, I decided to do a little more research. I also wanted to be better prepared in case this comes up again...because it's highly likely that it will. I know that models don't make it into a magazine without a bit of airbrushing. I also know that models have gone from "thin" to appearing emaciated since I was young. Here are some things I didn't know: According to the National Eating Disorders Association, 42 percent of first- to third-grade girls want to lose weight, and 81 percent of 10-year-olds are afraid of being fat. According to a study in Pediatrics, about two-thirds of girls in the 5th to 12th grades said that magazine images influence their vision of an ideal body, and about half of the girls said the images made them want to lose weight. By adolescence, studies show that young people are receiving an estimated 5,260 “attractiveness messages” per year from network television commercials alone. According to Teen magazine, 35 percent of girls ages 6 to 12 have been on at least one diet, and 50 to 70 percent of normal-weight girls think they are overweight. While all of these statistics are alarming, the things in bold are what caused me tears. The media is such a powerful influence. Girls used to look at role models who were average-sized, and now they are looking at a digital hodgepodge of body parts that aren't even a real person. This is what our girls are comparing themselves to. This is what they are striving to look like!!! They are exposed to the fabricated images so much that it becomes reality. At this point, there will be no "then and now" pictures in my office. I am not going to do anything that might influence a student in the wrong direction. I'm 43. I've lost over 75 pounds and I still struggle with body image. Disordered eating is still part of who I am. I post a lot on my FB page about not being able to out exercise a bad diet. I'm hoping that one day it will sink in for me. In the meantime, I'm going to be vigilant about educating little people when I can and trying to foster a healthy body image.

The Wall

I wasn't going to write about this. Two fitness friends I follow on FB recently posted set backs they have had over the summer and the past month. It was their honesty that inspired me to be forthcoming with where I am. For the first time in my journey, I have hit a wall. I've had slumps before where I didn't want to go to the gym for a few days, I didn't hit it as hard as I should have or I really struggled with my food. I've suffered a few injuries that have caused me to be physically unable to work out, but I have never struggled with a lack of motivation to go to the gym. As a matter of fact, working out has served as a mental outlet for me from which I have reaped huge benefits. I could blame working out two times in the past month on my wicked busy work life, but that wouldn't be completely honest. In the past, I've had a wicked busy work life and decompressed in the gym. I could blame working out two times in the past month on a minor surgery I had three weeks ago. That wouldn't be true either. The surgeon told me I could go back to the gym 5 days after my surgery. I had very mild pain and it would not have been exacerbated by working out. Truthfully, I the last time I worked out with my trainer was June 30th. My husband and I then went on vacation and did a lot of hiking in Colorado. We came back from vacation and worked on some home projects. I went to the gym here and there, but was not faithful about it. During July I had two full weeks of in service and that became a great excuse. "I can't get into the routine." I kept making excuses for my poor performance and decided I would hit it again at the beginning of August. August came I started back to work. "I'm struggling fitting the gym in. I'll give myself some time and really start again in September." Guess what??? We are approaching the end of September and I am still not back in the routine. I have no goals set. I did go and do cardio yesterday. I forced myself out of bed this morning and probably would have laid back down, but my husband told me he wasn't going to let that happen. Off I went to the gym and decided to face the numbers. My first reaction was to fall off the scale onto the floor in a heap of tears. This thought was supported by my feelings of inadequacy. "I'm not strong enough to do this." "I'm a loser." "I'm incapable of doing what is necessary to maintain my weight loss or reach further fitness goals." The second thought was to grab my stuff and walk right out the door because I was so angry. The third thought was to step off the scale and step back on. I mean...it had to be wrong! There had to be a mistake. It read the same which led me back to a choice of the first two reactions. I avoided both of these because the gym was packed and I really didn't want to have to explain myself to anyone that would have wanted to check on me. Since the first of July I have gained 10 pounds. TEN POUNDS!!! It will take me until almost Christmas to get that back off. AND WHY? I really wish I had a good excuse. NOT!!! So now I find myself trying to find that inner drive to get myself back on track. I'm trying to refocus and bring working out and fitness back to the top of the priority list. I must confess...I'm struggling. This is all very confusing to me. I do not understand how I used to be so energized and motivated to go to the gym. It made me feel good. Now...it feels like something I HAVE to do. Something I dread. I wish there was a switch I could flip. Apparently, it's not that easy. If it were, I would have already flipped it. At some level, more than just the number on the scale, I want to go. I want to challenge myself. I want that after work out endorphin rush. I do know I miss it. This has to be something. It has to mean that it's still there somewhere. I'm just used to it being an instinctual feeling as opposed to something I had to force. I forced myself through a cardio workout this morning. There was a lot of self talk. "One more minute and you can quit." "One more mile and you can call it a day. This is a good start." I struggled through each second, but in the end I completed 5.75 miles of cardio. I'm hopeful that by forcing myself...I will get the switch flipped and get back into the routine of something that is so important to me. Hopefully, I can break through the wall.

Missing: Enough Time at the Gym

I'm not sure how so much time has passed since I last blogged. I am going to commit to one blog a week for the month of August to get back in the habit of writing. I've been sitting in training all week about how to effectively teach writing and one of the things the experts continually say is that we as teachers should be writing each day. I will incorporate my blog into the routine I am developing to increase my writing time. I love my blog and hate that I have been so neglectful. For the past few years, June, July, and August have been months where I have hit my workouts hard. Historically, I have done more miles of cardio and hit strength training extra hard during those months. Please don't think that because I'm an educator I and those three months off. That is not true at all. By the time all was said and done I had three weeks off. I taught summer school in June and in July had a couple of weeks of training. Now I am back full time. This is good for me. After more than a couple of weeks, I become anxious. I am much more comfortable in routine and structure. We have used this time to work on home improvement and have accomplished a ton in a short amount of time. Unfortunately, I have let my workouts slip. My last session with my trainer was the last week of June. He left me with goals to accomplish during July as we are to start up again this month. The biggest goal was to focus on strength training and increase my weight. The first week of July my husband and I spent in Colorado. We were gone for 8 days for an AMAZING vacation. I am most at peace in the mountains. Being in the mountains is a spiritual experience for me. The least we hiked was 4 miles on any of the days we were there. More frequently we hiked 6-7 miles. It is our goal to increase this on our next trip. There were hikes we wanted to do that were 4-5 miles one way. We plan to go back and do these hikes. On the day where we only hiked 4 miles I need to explain that in the 2 miles to the summit we climbed a thousand feet. After we completed the hike we looked at our guide book and realized we had completed a "strenuous" hike. We were very proud of our accomplishment.

(this was another summit of close to 1000 feet, but in a very short distance...we were so high that it started freezing rain on us...as soon as we descended it was regular rain) So vacation was not a break from working out. We had a very active vacation that we both very much enjoyed. It was when we came home that things didn't go as planned. We started on some minor home improvement projects, but I didn't make getting to the gym a priority. I was so lax in this that I didn't complete even half of my 100 mile cardio goal. I did walk a 5k with a friend during July. The entire last mile was up hill. Quite challenging. One would think that I would have learned my lesson before when I didn't make working out a priority. The number on the scale hasn't changed. I've maintained my weight. However, it is the mental/emotional side of things that have really suffered. When I am not in the gym, I'm anxious, become irritable, and fight depression. In the last few days of July I realized I had to make the gym a priority. There can be no excuses. For example, last Saturday I had a lot to do around the house. Cleaning, grocery store, laundry, but I also had a work commitment. When I am on track and making good choices...I would have forced myself to get to they gym no matter what. This past Saturday I convinced myself I had too much to do to fit the gym in. WRONG ANSWER! When people ask me how I've made such progress, I don't hesitate to tell them that I had to make a choice. I had to decide I was worth it. I had to give up excuses and go for it. If I were to give that advice right now, I would be hypocrite. I have not been putting my fitness first. I've been hitting the gym hard this week and plan to for this month. In order to do that, the rest of my life must be scheduled around workouts. I have to make this a priority in my life again. I'm happier when this is the case. There are physical results and just as important emotional results. Once I have a full month back into the routine of things, I'll be gung ho and not able to stop. This week I get to continue enjoying afternoon/evening workouts. Next week those workouts will have to take place in the morning. Getting back into that routine is going to be a challenge for sure. However, I've done it before and can do it again.

Bunchy In Search of Self

Last week I posted a butt workout. If you have not tried this, your butt is missing out. I did the full thing for the first time yesterday. I did three sets of 20 and added donkey kicks. I do not remember the last time my butt was this sore. I will be incorporating these moves into my workouts more regularly. Several times during my doctoral course work, instructors mentioned that we needed to have a plan for when we finished our dissertation. They advised that after one had spent so much time focused on publishing a dissertation there could be a sense of loss when it was finished. After I defended, I sat in the room with one of my advisors and we talked about this very thing. At that point, I was thinking of final edits that needed to be made and a checklist of tasks to complete so I could walk in May. You might remember that while taking that walk and being announced as Dr. Bunch was so incredible, it was also bittersweet as we had moved Grandpa to Hospice House three days before. After graduation I spent the next six weeks with my family saying goodbye (still can't write about this without crying!). I had told my mom and sister about the advice of my instructors. They heard what I said. For the next several weeks I helped my sister and brother in law get their house ready to go on the market. I helped Mom with various projects. I played in my flower gardens and vegetable garden (both of which are zen for me). I kicked off one of the more challenging school years I've ever worked. We went into the holidays. Now we are at the end of January and I'm stuck. I'm restless. I'm anxious. I'm lost. A dear friend of mine called the other day and asked me how I was doing without having the academic part of my life and the tears started flowing. It's not that I miss the writing deadlines, the never-ending editing and revising, the research (okay…maybe a little), I miss the challenge. I miss knowing what was next. There was a deadline in front of me and I knew where I was headed. There was a goal before me. I love my job and it is where I am happiest. I look forward to going to work and being with my little people and trying to help them face the challenges life has given them. While I am there I'm busy and I'm focused. I don't have down time. There is always someone to talk to and someone who needs me. In addition to being in my building, I have a central office position that keeps me pretty busy too. There are times the work is stressful and draining, but it is fulfilling. With that being said, I've started the process of finding a position as an administrator for next year. The first applications have been filled out and submitted. Truthfully, it would be best for me if I could take on the challenge of a new position. I need something new to bite into. I need a new purpose. More than ever before in this weight loss journey, I've been incorporating two workouts a day. (Don't freak out! I don't do it every day. It's not consistent!) There are times when I'm so in search of self, that I cannot just sit. I need to run. I need to move. I am an avid reader. I'm having difficulty focusing on a book. I read the same thing over and over again. I AM LOST! I feel smothered by every day things.(No, I'm not depressed.) I refuse to fall into some meaningless routine. That's not me. A meaningless routine terrifies me actually. I'm a go getter. I'm driven by a challenge. Right now, I'm constantly wondering "what is next?" "where am I going?" "what's the plan?" I'm searching for what sparks me and gives me purpose. It's a struggle and it's not a fun place. I will also say that I'm shocked by this phenomenon. I really thought I would finish and enjoy being able to read what I wanted when I wanted. I thought I would be so busy doing things around the house and finding new projects that this wouldn't affect me at all. I was mistaken. Oh how I was mistaken. I CANNOT wait to find out what's next and I hope I find it and me very soon!

20 Shades of Yoga

A good friend of mine who is also a coworker has been going to yoga three or four times a week for several months. A couple of weeks ago she was helping me stretch in the teacher's lounge. I've also been asking her about certain moves like downward dog and in a brief conversation she said I should come with her sometime. I said I had always wanted to take a yoga class so that would be fun. Here's the additional background information you need: I have several yoga videos and I pull them out from time to time. I don't do them regularly although I always want to add it in at least once a week. I know one can gain great benefits from yoga. With the exception of Hot Yoga, I thought most yoga was the same. As you will find out I was mistaken. It was decided that Monday would be the night I would join Lisa for Yoga. On Monday she told me she would pick me up and I said "The class is an hour right?" "No. It's an hour and a half on Mondays." She proceeded to tell me that part of the time would be spent on inversions and head stands. Yes, Lisa knows me. She knows I'm a klutz. However, she was not worried at all. She had far more confidence than I did about what I would be able to do. The conversation that continually came up regarding yoga was farting. These conversations started last week when people found out I was going. "Oh everyone farts in yoga." "You can't help it because of the way you are breathing and moving." Let's be clear: This was a fear for me. I'm not going to go in there as the new girl and fart. WHAT???? You need to know that by the time Lisa picked me up for class I was pretty nervous. Farting, inversions, head stands…oh wow. We walked into the warehouse where Cross Fit was taking place and Lisa introduced me to our Yogi, Ian. As we walked away Lisa told me that Ian would be very helpful to me and that he was helpful to everyone. Then we walked into this room in the warehouse that was very dimly lit. This threw me. I thought it might be lighted more like a regular workout area. There were also numerous space heaters around the perimeter which were on. It was significantly warmer in this room than the room we had come from. Well that's because we were doing Bickram Yoga and in this style of Yoga the temperature is 105 degrees with 40% humidity. It's freezing here in Kansas City so it felt good to me. People were coming in and getting set up with their mats, towels (which I forgot, but will never forget again), blocks, and straps. I was thinking….blocks? straps? I've never needed those for my yoga videos. What are we going to use blocks and straps for? There was no type to completely panic because it was time to begin. Cue the soft music. Ian has taken his sweats and sweatshirt off and is now comfortable in a tank and shorts. Oddly enough, one of the reasons I have never gone to a yoga class before is because of the bare feet. I don't like seeing other people's feet. There was an energy in the room that didn't allow me to perseverate on feet. Once we got started I was too busy trying to remember to breathe. I don't know how many times Ian had to remind me to breathe. "We breathe. We breathe. Longer breathing. Deeper breathing. Breathe In. Breathe Out. We breathe. We breathe." Readers it didn't take long at all for us to get into some moves and Ian was next to me. "Oh this is nice. He's going to make sure I don't fall." WRONG!!! He wasn't going to let me fall, but he wasn't just standing there. I would get in position and he would put his hand on my body and push me so that I would go further than what I was prepared to go. As I looked at others in the room I saw them doing this:

I have no idea how they got from where we were to that, but I stayed where I was. We went through many many moves. Now remember those heaters I mentioned? There was sweat in parts of my body that don't normally sweat. It was HOT! There were also times when Ian would say left hand on the mat right hand on your hip, raise your left leg, raise your right arm look to your right arm…and I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing. Ian has a bit of an accent so that was part of it and part of it was this is a new deal that I don't have a skill set for. I became excited every time he told us to go to downward dog or up dog. I could do those two with no problem. Somehow we got into a pose that was to prepare us for the crow which is a type of inversion. I looked over and Lisa was doing it. She was doing it! I wanted to grab my phone and take a picture, but I didn't want to ruin the moment. Every person there was working on doing. Every person, except me. I played it safe and stayed where we had started. Ian offered to help me, but I politely declined.

This is a crow. From the crow, there were other inversions. Again, Ian offered to help, but I played it safe.

There were many variations. Overall, there were people who were really intent on getting their bodies to do what looked impossible to me. Finally we made it to the stretching. I love to stretch so it couldn't be too hard. Until Ian came and pushed against me to make the stretch deeper. He kept reminding me that if "you are breathing deeper, you will stretch deeper. Use the breathing to move deeper." After all of the moves, Ian placed a cold lavender eye bag on our eyes. We lay on our backs on the floor. I'm pretty sure we were supposed to be completely relaxed. I was relaxed, but my mind was going 100 miles an hour. I'm lying on a floor, in a dark room, with soft music playing, and Ian is walking around rubbing people's feet? Lisa had told me that it was really enjoyable. Seriously, I didn't want it to stop. I was prepared to beg Ian to not stop. That was BEAUTIFUL! I loved it. As we were leaving, I was ready to burst out laughing because these people seemed to be quite advanced at what they were doing. I was the uncoordinated novice. Ian had a different opinion. He told me I had done a great job. He told me I'm very flexible and I have skills. Flexibility and skills are good. Let me just say that I am sore today. My legs are sore and as the day has worn on my abs have become sore. We all know how I feel about muscle soreness. It means the metabolism is going faster. I would encourage you, given the chance to try a yoga class. However, be careful about which you choose since there are different forms of yoga. Had I not had a friend, last night would have been completely out of my comfort zone.

The Work Ahead

Half way through the month of January and I feel on fire. My workouts have been going really well. I've spent a lot of time looking at different moves and adding some in to my strength training. Mixing it up a bit. My diet has been going well too. One day last week I was on emotional overload. I knew that if went straight home after work I would be on edge and not okay. I went to the gym for a second workout. WOWZA! I know a lot of people who do two a days to mix things up. I am excited to report that I ran further than I normally do and at a much faster pace. That second workout was a great way to help my body process all of those emotions and thoughts. I'm hoping to try and do this one or two days a week. I've also spent time in the past week reviewing the journey through pictures.

The review leads me to dichotomy of emotion. I'm proud of how far I have come, and overwhelmed with how far I have to go. My goal is to get another 50 pounds off. In my position as an elementary school counselor, I work more frequently than I care to admit speaking with young girls about body image. Yet, I find it so easy to fall into the trap of examining edited images where there is no flaw to be found. Looking at pics and videos for strength training is good on the one hand because I learn a lot, but challenging on the other because I look at those bodies and feel overwhelmed at the thought of how much work is still before me. In case you are wondering, it's my abs and thighs that bother me the most. And it's not just the pics of others I look at. It's me too. It's still difficult to look in the mirror. There are times when I am working out and catch a glimpse of myself and become disgusted. Yes! I do what I tell my students to do. I think of all the things I like about myself. I think of how far I've come. JEESH! It doesn't change what is right there before me! It doesn't remove the fat that is still there that I need to eliminate. Trainer Mike and I talked recently about my goal to lose 50 more pounds. He stressed the importance of monitoring my body fat percentage. I know he's right and I will, but it still feels like an incredulous task. (Let me just insert that I LOVE that I can still ask Trainer Mike for help and he is so understanding and willing to be there for me.) Diet is 80% of the battle before me. I am getting much better at making sure I eat. I eat both breakfast and lunch at work so there are many times I'm burning calories while I'm eating because I'm walking with my food, but at least I'm not longer using interruptions as an excuse to skip eating. Now if I can get serious about logging my food into my Fit Bit so I can make sure I'm taking in enough calories, I'll be much more confident that I'm doing everything I need to do. I hope 2014 is off to a great start in many ways, but especially your health and fitness. Take care of YOU!

A Purpose

I recently read a blog a friend of mine keeps about her new life as a Brewer's Wife. She is doing an exercise called Zero to Hero for blogging. I've decided to participate. I first started this blog at the encouragement of a friend when I began working out. The friend who is my new blogging buddy actually helped name my blog. I've had so much fun with the blog and sharing my journey of becoming healthy. It's been almost four years ago. I blogged less and less while I was in the heart of my dissertation work. There were not enough hours in the day. Quite truthfully, when there were extra hours I wanted to do anything other than type on the computer. I enjoy blogging and one of my goals for 2014 was to get back into a steady blogging routine. You will like reading this blog if you like humor…for example…I blogged about the time my pants fell off of me while working out in the gym because they were too big and I was too cheap to go buy new ones. Humor is big for me. You will also want to read this blog if you struggle with weight loss. I like to share tips that work for me. I also plan to include more information in here about how we can break food addictions. How we can use exercise effectively to achieve the results we want. I am learning more and more about clean eating. Especially, eating grain free. I plan to share much more of that on here. So if you are interested in clean eating and the research on grains, you will want to read this blog. I am no longer working out with a trainer. I'm learning a lot on my own. Although, I do occasionally call Trainer Mike with questions. I will be sharing workout information on here as well. I will also share the emotional ups and downs of life that get in the way of diet and exercise. ALTHOUGH, my focus will be on how to keep the emotions out of our diet and exercise. You might think this is impossible, but I argue that it is not. My goal of this blog as well as my FB page by the same name is to inspire others. I have lost 70 pounds. I had tried every diet gimmick ever. I had been the poster child for yo you dieting. I now know it is a life style. You hear that all the time on tv and in what you read. I had read it and heard it thousands of time. Until I went into the trenches, it did not sink in. If you are in the mindset I was in, you are probably thinking…"I don't need a lifestyle change. I just need to diet off a few pounds and then I will keep it off." Probably not going to see a lot of success that way. I had been overweight since I was a child. It just kept getting worse and worse. Until one day a few years ago I was at the doctor for some follow up tests after a mysterious illness had me in the hospital for three days after countless trips to the ER before that. The doctor said you are borderline diabetic. I asked him for a pill. I told him I had tried everything and there wasn't a diet that worked for me. He told me there was no pill. I went back a few months later feeling miserable. Insisting there was something seriously wrong with me that the tests in the hospital hadn't found. No energy, highly irritable, depressed. He pulled up my blood test results. He said, "You feel poorly because you are extremely overweight. You are borderline diabetic. This is why you feel so poorly." He asked me about my diet and exercise. He really wanted to know what kinds of changes I had made. I hadn't made any. I told him I needed a pill to help. I was begging. I couldn't do it on my own. The doctor walked out of my room, turned back and looked at me and said, "I can't fix stupid." I was FURIOUS! LIVID! How dare he! It was his job to fix me! It's not my fault I was dealt these genes and come from a family of obesity. I stewed on this for a while. I didn't tell anyone what the doctor said. I'll tell you more about this in my next blog. What you do need to know is that I have continued to go back to that doctor. I LOVE him. He is my biggest fan. He continually tells me I am an inspiration to him. He now asks me to help get some of his other patients motivated and how they can believe that they too can do this. So I want readers of this blog to be inspired. I want readers to learn from what I post. AND I want to learn from you. I want you to interact and share information with me. I will feel this blog is successful when 1) it's readership grows and 2) readers are taking the steps to get healthy. It is baby steps for sure. But those baby steps lead to amazing leaps which feel INCREDIBLE!

Longer Pants…A Sign of a Shrinking Waist

I'm not a tall person. 5'1 and a half inches to be exact. Buying pants is often tricky. I don't want to have to hem my pants every time I buy them. You also know that I wait until my pants are literally falling off before I replace them. I'm trying very hard to get to the next size down. The size I am in now are a little big. They aren't falling off, but they are big. Guess what I have discovered? When your pants get bigger around the waist THEY GET LONGER!!!! I put on a pair of pants Tuesday with a pair of shoes I normally wear them with. The pants were too long. I put on a bigger heel and they were still too long. All day long there I was stepping on my pants. No, I'm not going to hem them! They have a cuff on the bottom. I had been thinking I was imagining things. I now have enough evidence (which is based on the fact that most of my pants are now too long) to support that a shrinking waist can result in longer pants. I guess this is the motivation I need to work a bit harder at reaching that next size. We are in the holiday season. How are you doing? Are you surviving? I'm doing pretty good. However, I've not been to one party yet. Those begin this weekend. My plan is to eat in moderation. I do not plan to be wheat free. I have the luxury of not being intolerant to wheat. I realize wheat triggers food cravings for me. I will be cautious and continue with my workouts. I would like to say that I will end my relationship with wheat after Christmas. However, it is more likely that I will modify my relationship with wheat. By this I mean, I will be 90-95% wheat free. When keeping to these terms of the relationship, I feel in control and much better. Much much much better! I never in a million years thought I would be in the habit of early morning workouts. Alas, never say never. I'm very intent on weight lifting. I haven't counted miles last month or this month. I'm taking great pleasure in my ability to increase the weight that I am lifting. As with everything, balance is needed. I have been lax in cardio and not pushed myself in part because of painful heel spur. I had my first injection for that three weeks ago. The pain in the arch of my foot went away, but then I could really feel the pain in the heel of my foot. That injection was last night. I thought the first injection was painful, but it didn't hold a candle to last night's injection. I screamed. I didn't care who could hear me. I cried. The doctor hugged me and told me he thinks we got the injection right where we needed to because the pain was so intense. Today my foot is sore, but that could be in part due to the bruise at the sight of the injection. Once the foot is heeled, I plan to create a more balanced workout with strength and cardio. I still gain motivation for making good choices by the changes in my body. Not only are my pants getting longer, but I've been thinking that I've been noticing things as well when I look in the mirror. Last week I went to dinner with some friends and when I took off my coat they made me spin around before I was allowed to sit down. They really noticed a difference. This set me on fire! I love that I feel better, have more energy, and can lift more weights, but who doesn't like it when someone notices all of the hard work!?!?!

Gym Bullies

A miracle occurred in my world on Sunday, November 3rd at about 9:30 p.m. Michelle texted me and another friend from the gym and asked if we would be her accountability partners at the gym. Of course we responded yes! Without a second thought I was at the gym at 6:00 a.m. the following Monday morning. We did strength training followed by Tabata training. Tuesday morning we were off because we had turbo kick on Tuesday night. Every other morning we were at the gym hitting it. I was sore. I was pushed beyond my limits. I was nauseous. When I thought I couldn't go on, Michelle encouraged me. AMAZING! I hadn't felt this way since working out with Trainer Mike. I was preparing my post to introduce Trainer Michelle. Michelle is who taught the bootcamp this summer where I learned about the poisonous wheat and many other things that have changed how I feed my body. She has truly inspired a change I needed. BOOM!!!! After working out this Monday, we arrived at Turbo Tuesday night only to find out that some grouchy old fools at the gym had complained about our music. Please understand the music is not offensive. It's music that Michelle uses for Tabata. Hello! How can we do Tabata without music? Well...the ruling is we have to get rid of the music. Not only did six people complain to the owner, one complained to corporate. Don't think I haven't thought about sending my own complaint to corporate about NOT being able to use music when I work out. One of the men that has complained (it's pretty simple to figure out because it's not like there are too many people in the gym at that time of the morning) smacks his gum so loud that I am offended. This has bothered me each and every time I have gone to the gym in the morning. Maybe I should write a complaint and there will be no more gum chewing at the gym??? Two of the others that have complained workout with the JERK Trainer. I'm pretty sure he has voiced his complaint too. (This man can't even acknowledge me. I have said hi to him and he ignores me. I have asked him about how to move a setting on a machine and he has replied with, "I'm not your trainer. No pay...no help.") I have seen him watching us in the mornings and I know he had something to do with this which makes me even more furious if that is at all possible. Based on his rudeness to me at the gym, I get the feeling that if I'm not working out with him he harbors ill will toward my future success. The ONLY time he has been somewhat nice to me is when he was working out with the owner of the gym and she and I were talking. I really don't want to use the word HATE, but I certainly do NOT understand him. He is supposed to be in the business of helping people. However, he is so full of himself that he doesn't have a clue what helping someone is about. As for the two others who have complained (I haven't figured them out yet), every person in there has their ear phones in (I'm sure partly to listen to the news, but more so to muffle the sound of the stuck up old geezer who sounds like a hog in it's slop when he chews that gum.) I cannot comprehend why one hour of us playing music while we work out would provoke them to complain. If we had on offensive music with nasty language that would be one thing, but we do not. We are three people who have found each other and are motivated to come to the gym and hit it. (In all fairness, we do have one fan. He has given us numerous compliments and words of encouragement.) For the first time in a long time, I have felt I was on the right path again. I hadn't steered off. I have been working out and striving to eat clean. However, this new accountability has really pumped me up. I had been wanting to do Tabata for a long time. I am discouraged that the corporate owners of my gym are so quick to cave to people and shut down my attempt to get healthier. It saddens me that these six people have so much power and that their sense of entitlement drives the policies and rules which are enforced. I work in an elementary school as a counselor. All day long I work with kids about conflict resolution. Today in teaching a lesson about bullying, I referred to these people at the gym. NEVER did any of them come to us and ask us to turn the music down. NEVER did any of them think "they are only here for an hour." My fifth graders were right. They are bullies. They want it to be their way. How differently would this have turned out if one of them would have come to us and said, "Hey, your music is really too loud. Could you turn it down a notch?" Did they ever stop to consider the repercussions? It never crossed their mind to consider our perspective or to ask if we would be willing to compromise by turning the music down. The gym is supposed to be a place where one goes to feel better. Unfortunately, I need to go in the mornings because of my schedule. I wish I didn't have to because it feels hostile. It feels them against me. I have enough work to do to reach my goals. Now I have to deal with this load of crap and these bullies who get the power. I'm not happy about this situation at all.

Wheat and Heroin...Same Bad Deal!

Today is day 7 of being wheat free. I did have wheat on Saturday and my tummy was NOT happy. The first three days went okay, but I did learn some things. When I wake up in the morning I want carbs. I don't mean in the form of fruit. I want peanut butter and toast, a protein bar, a donut, a bowl of cereal. I want carbs that include wheat. As a matter of fact, I can't even eat until I've been up for a couple of hours and I'm hungry enough that I am willing to eat the eggs I've prepared without vomiting. First thing, those eggs don't sound so good. On day 2, I was irritable. I knew it. I could feel it. I was having to watch every word that came out of my mouth for fear I would have a tone or say something I would regret. By Friday which was day 4, that symptom was starting to get less. While I wasn't shocked by this, I hadn't expected it either. I did go back into Wheat Belly and figure out a few things. When wheat is digested it is degraded to a mix of polypeptides. These polypeptides were isolated and administered to laboratory rats. It was discovered the polypeptides had the peculiar ability to penetrate the blood-brain barrier that separates the bloodstream from the brain. The brain is sensitive to the variety of substances that gain entry to the blood some of which can be very dangerous if they cross into your brain. However, once the polypeptides gain entry into the brain they bind to the brain's morphine receptor. Now you aren't going to EVEN believe this. Opiate drugs bind to the VERY SAME RECEPTOR!!!! When given the drug naloxone, the gluten effect on the brain is blocked. Are you confused? Okay...let me see if I can make this a bit easier to understand. A heroin addict goes to the nearest trauma ER because they have sustained a stab wound. Because the addict is high on heroin he fights the ER staff by trying to kick them and scream at them and use his hands to stop any help they try to give. The ER staff inject the Heroin addict with a drug called naloxone so the addict is instantly not high because the naloxone blocks the effect heroin has on the brain. Isn't that SCARY???? I find it scary and highly interesting at the same time. The same drug used to block the effects of heroin will, in fact, block the effects of wheat. Scary that something the FDA food pyramid, the American Diabetic Association, and the American Heart Association all say we should have servings of each day to maintain a healthy diet. My point in sharing this with you is that giving up wheat could cause withdrawal symptoms which is what I was experiencing early on in the week. I have now realized that the effect wheat has on me is very strong just based on the withdrawal symptoms. So today I was having a conversation with some ladies who said, "Wheat can't be bad for you. It's on the food pyramid and doctors tell you it's good for you." My reply: "THEY ARE LYING!" A huge part of me believes that in the case of the FDA, especially, a relationship exists with the agricultural industry. After all, agriculture is a huge part of our country's economy. The FDA can't just make a blanket statement that wheat should be eliminated or at least limited in most diets. I mean, for goodness sake, the agricultural industry has spent all of that time genetically modifying the wheat to keep up with our consumption. It really wouldn't be fair for the FDA to hurt the agricultural sector financially. (I REALLY HOPE YOU CAN HEAR THE SARCASM!) On another note: Last week at the gym my former trainer asked me when I was going to start working out with him again. Based on our last experience together I should have said, "The first day of Never." He was working with a client and asked me this in passing. I sent him a text. I told him that until I get this eating under control it will be a waste of his time and my money. I see him doing the same workouts with all of his clients. I can watch and know what I need to do. Today I saw him for the first time since I had sent the text. I asked him if he received it because I hadn't heard back from him. He said, "Yep. No reason for me to respond. You are the queen of making excuses is what I've decided. You've been telling me you were working on your diet for six months." He rolled his eyes and walked away. (I've had a pretty intense Monday. I forced myself to go to the gym. I really just wanted to come home and get in my pjs, but I forced myself to go because I knew I needed to work out.) I walked away from him wiping tears from my eyes as I sat on the leg press trying to get it together. It's amazing how good you can feel about yourself and one person can knock the wind right out of you with their words. I didn't do my full workout. I did enough, but was planning to do more. I walked out the door. On the way home I thought of all the things I wish I had said. (Isn't that always the case?) First, I considered finding another gym. Not kidding. I LOVE my gym, but this guy is a downer. Earlier this summer he asked me something about my workouts (this was right after my Grandpa had passed away) and I said, "I've had some stuff going on. I haven't hit it as hard as I had been." He said, "I can tell." I can't go into a gym where first I wouldn't hire the trainer even if I won the power ball and he was the ONLY available trainer. Not going to happen. And second, he's going to be making ridiculous rude comments to me without ever handing out a compliment. I don't know what he has against me, but he is a complete jerk. I'm not where I want to be. I have work to do. I know that. I don't need his negative attitude toward me. Most days I workout and there is no interaction between the two of us. So another thought I had was that I will just completely ignore him and if he does try to talk to him he can talk to the hand. Unfortunately, I think he's there to stay for a while. UGH! I really do like my gym so I'm not sure how this is going to work out. I'll figure it out I'm sure. I mean even my first trainer, the beloved Trainer Mike, came up to me after Turbo last Tuesday and complimented me on the intensity of my workout and my kicks. I was flying high. He took the time to do that. (Of course, he was the one that first sparked this working out fire...those things still mean a ton coming from him.) So another thought that I had on the way home tonight was to say to Brandon, I tell first graders...if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all. Maybe you should follow that advice. Alright, I think I'm done venting for now. If you have any suggestions I would love to hear them. bunchy2021@gmail.com

Fit Bit

I've been saving birthday and Christmas money for the past few years. Last weekend I took that money and purchased a Fit Bit. I was really interested in learning how many calories I burn a day and how many I consume a day. I've worn this little device for a week now and here is what I have learned: Given that you should never have more than a 1,000 calorie deficit when trying to lose weight, I am eating on average 500 too few calories a day. Some days it's more like 800 or 900. OOPS! This explains a lot! I've written before about the fact that I am typically scared of food and see it as evil. I've written all the way back at the beginning of this journey that Trainer Mike was saying, "Tammy I need you to eat. You have to eat for me okay?" Of course, I always said yes. And I would try to do better, but I didn't have the hard and fast numbers because I've also been told "Don't worry about calories. If you are eating six times a day and you are eating the foods I'm telling you to eat, the weight will come off." The weight hasn't been falling off. I've been plateaued for a while now. My experiment this week was to eat like I normally do and determine where the calories fell. Now that I know I can make changes. Food prep this weekend should be very interesting and fun. This week has been really busy. All of my workouts have happened in the morning with the exception of one. Yesterday I realized I was going to have to increase my time in the gym to get my miles in for the month. I was there 45 minutes earlier this morning so I could get those miles logged. Tomorrow is another day of strength followed by the final 7.6 miles I need to reach 100 for August. Of course, it's going to have to be early morning as well. While I dread getting out of bed and I hit the snooze several times, I get excited that I am accomplishing so much at the start of the day. I am also putting an increased level of intensity in my workouts. There is not a part of me that is not sore. You know how I feel about that...sore muscles = increased metabolism. I'm just going to have to get used to eating the calories that increased metabolism requires. I am making progress....it just feels really slow right now and that is discouraging. But when I look at pics I can really tell a difference. This pic was from July 2009

August 2009

In September 2011

In January 2013

In June 2013

While progress is being made, I'm confident I can increase it having this information about my deficit eating style. Time to make some changes. I'm about to begin a book that I'm going to read this weekend. Wheat Belly. Stay tuned...

My Wheat Connection

I've learned a lot in the past month about my connection with wheat. I can now say I am 85-90% wheat free and probably 80% grain free. I shared what happened when I eliminated grain and then binged with two donuts. After that day, I went grain free for 14 days. It was suggested by Michelle (I refer to Michelle as a friend and my nutrition coach, she was also the instructor of my bootcamp) that after being grain free we reintroduce grains one at a time to discover what the impact was on our body. Michelle's research has found that we have different reactions to grains which might impact food cravings. So after being grain free, I tried having a serving of corn on the cob. I found that corn has a mild impact on me. On a food craving scale of 1-10, with 10 being I have to have this right now or I'm going to harm someone and 1 being I could care less, corn might put me at a level 2 or 3. Wheat is a different story. When I eat wheat my food cravings might be an exponential 10. Here is an example: I had eaten clean all day last Friday. That evening my husband and I were having bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwiches for dinner. Previously, I have done bacon and tomato wrapped in lettuce to avoid the bread. Last week, I decided to have the bread to see what would happen. The rest of the evening I wanted food. I didn't want the fruit that was in the fridge. I wanted ice cream. I wanted it badly. My husband popped microwave popcorn. I wanted it too. The cravings were all consuming. Foods I don't normally think about would pop into my head. Chips and cheese dip, cake, brownies, ice cream, fried food. I was exhausted by the time I went to bed from the crazy cravings. This same phenomenon has happened each time I've had wheat. I now realize there is a connection. I should be receiving the book Wheat Belly in the mail next week. I need to know more. Knowledge is power...right? Thank You, Michelle for helping me learn about what wheat does to one's body. I can't wait to learn more. I've learned a few other things along the way. I'm pretty sure if I went to someone who deals with eating disorders I am somewhere on the spectrum. I am not concerned about it at this point because I have become aware of it and I am not going to give it any power. When eating grain free that was the only thing I was supposed to focus on. I was supposed to eat when I was hungry. The problem became that I could go 8 or 9 hours without becoming hungry. Then it was time for dinner and I was famished. I knew this couldn't be right. I also knew that if I felt a little hungry, I ignored it because food scares me. I don't trust it. If you ignore feeling a little hungry and you drink water you can overcome the feelings of hunger for a good while. As so frequently happens, I stepped into Sonya's office at my gym. It's almost like a confessional in there sometimes. I said, "Sonya, I think I have a problem." I explained my fear of food and the amount of time I went without eating. Being ever so wise, Sonya explained her eating schedule to me. Eat within the first hour of getting up and then every two to three hours throughout the day. Like a machine. Set an alarm on your phone to remind you. Quite truthfully, I will get so busy trying to get things done that I don't even think about eating. The alarm works well. My husband tried to find the ringtone of "Feed Me Seymour" but we never did find it. He thought it would be great for this alarm. Sonya told me that when she gets to work and it's time to eat her banana she is so excited that she gets to eat the banana. I found this a little odd and didn't think I would probably get excited about eating a banana. I mean I can get excited about a piece of cake or ice cream or cheeseburgers and fries, but a banana? Here is what I have learned since eating throughout the day: When the 10:00 alarm went off this morning I was soooo freaking excited to eat my banana! I actually feel hungry throughout the day. I am hungry when I wake up in the mornings. I am content with eating throughout the day. I feel as though my metabolism is higher because I'm actually feeling hungry and feeding my body. Thank You, Sonya! I have not been on the scales recently. I am focused on doing the right thing. I do think that I'm going to do a little "temperature check" next week. I'm going to write down everything I'm eating and the calories that go with it. I just want to see how many calories I'm consuming to know if I'm in the right range. I do not have intentions of becoming a calorie counter (unless I'm way off and then I might need to). I just need to figure out where I am.

TWO Donuts

Last week I went through a bootcamp regarding nutrition and emotional eating. The first day (4.5 hours) was about nutrition and fitness and the second day (4.5 hours) was about emotional eating. During the first day I learned a lot of new stuff. I was challenged to go 14 days grain free. The premise of this challenge is that eating grain, especially wheat, is really not so healthy and that anything processed has some form of grain in it. Grains are disguised by many different names in an ingredient list. Processed foods actually increase food cravings and have so many unhealthy things in them, they could be referred to as poison. Our instructor/coach challenged us to eat clean and give up grains and processed foods for 14 days to get all of this yuck out of our system. At the end of 14 days we will start trying out grains, with the exception of wheat, to see how our bodies react. Yesterday, my family had a garage sale at my parent's house about an hour away. I left my house at 4:30 in the morning. Of course since I am the one who drives right by Dunkin Donuts I offered to pick them up on my way. I packed my own food. The challenge started on Thursday and all the way to my parents I was thinking that it hadn't even been 72 hours and I already felt like I could tell a difference. I was so proud of myself for thinking ahead and packing both breakfast and lunch. Wouldn't you know that while we were experiencing a two hour rain delay (before we even started) and everyone was loving the donuts, I decided that just one wouldn't hurt. Have you ever eaten 1 donut and stopped when there were plenty more? No, me either. TWO donuts and 45 minutes later I felt so sick. I'm not talking emotionally. I'm talking physically. Like couldn't leave the bathroom kind of sick. Paired with the emotional guilt of not lasting longer than 72 hours before breaking my challenge, the physical pain was more than enough evidence for me to continue this experiment. By experiment I am talking about seeing what kind of physical effects I experience by not having grain in my diet. I've had several people share with me that they have eliminated wheat from their diet and could not believe the difference it made in the way they felt. Don't think there was not emotional pain that went along with the physical effects of my decision. At the end of the day, I was trying to decide if I was going to share this news with anyone or not. However, one of my goals (developed as a result of last week's bootcamp) is to be more active in my personal growth which includes this blog. (Keeping this blog is a form of accountability for me and I need to use it more to that advantage.)Hence, I decided to come clean and share. If the choice to eat TWO donuts was not so ridiculous, it might be comical. I mean seriously...I've spent the entire last week working on goals related to what I learned at my bootcamp. I was gung ho! I was enjoying the effects for a short while! I was so proud of myself! My instructor/coach had spent a long time talking about having no relationship with food and using it only as fuel. I had said one of the hardest obstacles for me is social situations. Of course, I'm a social butterfly so there are lots of those in my world. I had a plan to eat healthy. Yet, I had a talk with myself that went something like this..."You got up so early. You are with your family. You have done so good. This won't hurt that much and it will be easy to get back on track. Even Michelle said if you fall of the wagon get back on." I'm very convincing to myself. So I'm going to be practicing the following script: "You deserve to feel and be healthy. You are the one in control. You have the power not the food. Nothing ever tastes as good as being healthy feels." Yes! I'm going to practice that script so the next time I feel tempted I will already have the answer. I'm not down on myself today. I'm happy that I can be in charge. I'm also happy that I can share all of this with you! By sharing my decision to go grain free for 14 days, I am not implying everyone should do it. This is a new trail on my journey. I'll let you know what I encounter! If you want to read more about the effects of wheat, take a look at this article: http://www.realfarmacy.com/why-80-of-people-worldwide-will-soon-stop-eating-wheat/ And if you want to know more about my amazing instructor/coach...check her out on FB at Bikini Mindest https://www.facebook.com/bikinimindset

Losing Grandpa

This post is not so much about weight loss. However, it is about a difficult part of life's journey. If you want to skip to my exercise and eating it's at the last paragraph. My grandpa has been in Hospice House for the past five weeks. Until seven weeks ago when he fell and broke his foot, he was completely independent and still driving. Most would have never guessed he was a 90 year old man with bone cancer. Last spring he had undergone chemo for the bone cancer and after one treatment which nearly killed him, he made the choice to forgo anymore treatment. Hospice started coming to his apartment to check his vitals and make sure everything was going okay. This past November, Hospice said there was no reason for them to continue coming. Week after week he was fine. He was sleeping more and experiencing more pain, but not declining at the rate the doctors had originally anticipated. Until seven weeks ago, Grandpa was doing what he loved. He was visiting with people in his senior apartment complex, visiting with other friends around the area, and making new friends on a regular basis. To say it is difficult to go and see him at Hospice House, is the understatement of the century. Three weeks ago today when we were visiting it seemed he knew who we were. This was the first time since his stay that I felt he recognized me. Most of the time, he has a vacant look in his eyes. After the first week, I was overwhelmed with wanting to know what he was thinking. Now it is my prayer that he is oblivious to what is going on. It is obvious he is in pain because of the look on his face, the moaning, or the restlessness. However, he often refuses pain medication. Many of us are wondering if he experienced a stroke or if the cancer has spread to his brain. At this stage of the process, further testing would not be beneficial. It might answer questions, but the treatment would still be the same. Keeping Grandpa as comfortable as possible is the goal now. A couple of weeks ago I went to see him and I asked him if he was hungry. It takes him a long time to answer any questions. I waited and he said he was. The nurse went and got pudding. She told me he couldn't feed himself because he didn't have the coordination down. So there I was feeding Grandpa with a spoon. The irony of this was not lost on me, especially when my parents walked in, and my eyes filled with tears. This man of strength beyond what is typically found in others, this man who fed and nurtured me, now I was feeding him. My eyes still fill with tears when I think about that moment even though I have fed Grandpa several times since then. A man of strength. The first time Grandpa left home as a young man was to serve in the Army. He served in Germany in World War II. For a period of about six months, I spent a couple of Sundays each month interviewing Grandpa and Grandma about this period of their lives. I have the experiences written down. There were somethings that were too painful to speak of, somethings that were funny, but scary sums up a lot of what he went through. While Grandpa was in Germany, Grandma gave birth to their first son, Gary. He wasn't well and died before Grandpa was able to see him. At the end of 2008 (December 29th) we lost Grandma after a long battle of illnesses. She had spent ten years as an invalid with her beloved taking care of her night and day. Grandpa never complained. Not one time. So Grandpa could go to his sister's funeral, I went and spent a day taking care of Grandma. Grandpa was reluctant at first, but then decided he would really like to go to the funeral. Among all of her many illnesses, the dementia was the most overpowering for caretakers. She might know you one minute and then ask who you were the next. She would repeat herself numerous times. I'm not going to lie. It wasn't easy to take care of her. It was emotionally draining. Toward the end, she tried to escape the house a couple of times as she was trying to get back "home". The best we can figure is that she wanted to go back to her childhood home. During those times, Grandpa had to call Dad for help to get her calmed down. On Christmas Eve of 2008 all of her kids, grandkids, and great grandkids were with her except my sister and I. She wasn't eating and barely drinking. I often feel pain at missing that Christmas Eve, but Sandy and I went on the 28th. Still she wasn't eating or drinking. As we were talking with Grandpa, Grandma sat straight up in her chair and said, "Did you hear that beautiful music?" Grandpa said, "It's almost time for her suffering to be done here." Later that night he prayed that God would end her suffering here. The next morning she died in his arms. He said, "She was as beautiful to me this morning as she was the first day I met her." The thing that you have to understand is that Grandpa NEVER and I mean NEVER complained about taking care of Grandma. His gentle and compassionate nature were true to her just like they were to every other aspect of his life. Grandpa couldn't leave the house for the last few years Grandma was alive unless someone came to sit with her. Then he would run to the store or doctor do what he needed to do and come right back so as not to burden the other person. Grandma died at the end of 2008. In 2009, my uncle was diagnosed with lung cancer which then spread this his bones and eventually his brain. We lost Uncle Homer in July of 2010. Again, Grandpa set an example for all of us with his strength. I'm not saying it was easy for him. This was the second child he had buried. The mental strength shown by Grandpa during this time is not commonly found among others. At least, I haven't found it. A Man of Faith. My Grandpa wasn't saved until he was a young adult. Once he was, he walked the walk AND he talked the talk. Grandpa often said, "You never know if that one conversation you are having with someone might be the spark that leads them to Christ." Grandpa wasn't in your face about it. It was just who he was. If the opportunity came up for him to share part of his testimony, he would share it. After Grandma passed, and Grandpa could get out more, my dad and my aunts had to put rules in place. He would be out visiting for hours and no one knew where he was. They had to put safety rules in place so they could keep tabs on him. Grandpa started going back to church immediately after Grandma passed. He visited a couple of places, but ended up back at his home church The Gardner Friends Church. It was in this church, that my religious foundation was nurtured as we were young children. Sunday dinners with my extended family were always started with my Grandpa saying "Dear Heavenly Father..." Those prayers weren't limited to the big dining room table. They also weren't limited to thanks for a meal. They occurred anywhere and at anytime. My Grandpa's Bible is never far from his side. Even now, it is on the table next to his bed. He has written some of his favorite Bible verses on note cards and had them duct taped to the walls in his apartment. He was always studying God's word. ALWAYS. I will never forget a conversation we had a few years ago. He had went to get a tire fixed. His normal tire guy wasn't available so he went to a new location. The people overcharged him in an outlandish way. He said to me, "I felt so angry when I realized what had happened." He then went on to quote scripture as to how wrong it was for him to be so angry about this. He talked to me about how he had prayed for God to forgive him for being that mad. I was thinking..."Oh dear. Grandpa is upset with himself about being angry over a legitimate reason...I've got a lot of work to do because I can get angry over much less than that." Grandpa doesn't complain. When I mentioned earlier that there has been moaning which lets us know he is in pain, that moaning is when he is asleep. He wouldn't do it if he were aware. That's not Grandpa. I have never heard him speak a negative word about anyone. He has gone through life in a way that most would find unsatisfactory. Until two years ago, Grandpa didn't live in a place that had central air or heat. There was no hot water heater. I still remember being a teenager when the water line was actually attached to the house so he didn't have to go get water. He has never owned a new car. The car we has most recently been driving has holes in the floorboards. I once told Grandpa if I won the powerball I was going to buy him a new car. He very politely told me it wasn't necessary. Grandpa wasn't impressed by material things. As a matter of fact, it's safe to say material things meant very little to him. Grandpa was driven by his Faith and Love. He loved God, his family, and friends. He never met a stranger...just a friend he hadn't met yet. I've met some Christians who become angry at God when life gets stressful or even say things like "God must not be listening." That is so far outside of my reality and my fundamental beliefs. And my reality and my fundamental beliefs were shaped by Grandpa who never ever ever doubted God. He spent every moment serving God and thanking him. When he reached a challenging part of life, he read more in the Bible and prayed. Today, Father's Day...I thought it would be difficult and I was right. My sister and I certainly wanted to do something special for our dad, but our thoughts are consumed with wanting to spend time with Grandpa and honoring that Dad wants to be there. Grandpa was unresponsive today. He had a very restless night last night. He received pain meds at about 11:30 this morning. When we arrived and I walked over to his bed Dad said, "See if you can get that smile." Even though he can't say much, I can usually get a smile. There wasn't a smile today. At 4:00 when we left he still hadn't fallen asleep. It was obvious he was fighting the sleep. The room was full of family today. We shared some laughs. A family friend prayed over Grandpa and asked God to bless him with continued peace and comfort. That has been my prayer as well. Just praying that the pain isn't too bad and that Grandpa doesn't know what's going on. Praying that the rest of us will continue to have strength. My sister and brother in law, mom and dad, and my husband and I did go down the road to a nice restaurant where we could do something for Father's Day to let our Dad know how much he means to us and try to give him a smile or two. I cry easily now. I know that Grandpa is going to Heaven and will get to be with the God he has spent his life serving. I know he will be so happy. I know there will be no more pain. We have had conversations about what it will like to be there. I also know he will be with those that have gone before him. But the two things that have me now are 1) I want one more conversation with him...just one more... and 2) For his sake, this suffering must end soon. If you've read this far, and you do pray...our family would appreciate those prayers. I am working out. I'm able to alleviate a lot of emotion that way. The eating...most of the time I don't have an appetite. Last night and tonight I overate because I hadn't eaten the entire day until that evening meal. Yep. I know this isn't healthy. I know my body doesn't appreciate it. I'm doing what I can right now. If you have any tips, please message me. I would love to hear them.

There's a Doctor In The House

Yesterday I successfully defended my dissertation. I have earned my doctorate in Educational Leadership and Policy Analysis from the University of Missouri. A few minor revisions to make and I will be completely finished. This journey has been one of the best of my life so far. I have grown so much as a person and a professional. I've met some incredible people and developed life long friendships. I've also improved my self confidence. Our cat woke me up early yesterday morning. She's developed this habit of lying on top of me, nudging me with her head, head butting my head with her head, and then crawling under the covers and using her head to pull them off of me. Once I'm up she curls up with her head on my pillow and gives me a look that says, "Thanks...you've slept long enough. My turn." Anyway, I knew I couldn't sit around and wait until my 10:00 meeting with my committee so I went to the gym. Another HIIT workout which included 145 squats and crunches with bicep curls and jump roping. I will admit I saw headlines about the Boston Marathon, I talked with some friends about this horrible tragedy, but I didn't watch any coverage. I refused to. No evening news, I didn't click on any links, I avoided it. This morning much of my FB feed was devoted to the topic. One of the runners I follow suggested we all run for Boston today. That is what I did. I ran for the victims of Boston. I knocked three minutes off of my PR. When I felt I needed to slow down I thought of the victims. I thought of the anger I felt that someone would do something so horrible. Today's workout was dedicated to all of those whose lives have been forever changed.

Lesson Learned About Emotional Health

I hope you will forgive me for not writing in so long. Lots of writing involved in finishing a dissertation. I defend on Monday at 10:00. I'm so full of emotion I can hardly stand myself! At the end of the day today two little girls came up to me and said, "See you Monday, Dr. Bunch!" I started dancing and they were asking why I was crying. Tears of joy! Our advisors have spent time with us talking about life after a doctorate program. It is so intense that when finished, some people struggle with what to do. This thing has consumed my life for the past three years. The past year has been insane. It's about to be done. I do find myself wondering what is going to happen next. I'm hoping to land a job as a school administrator. I need something new to dive into. A new challenge. In case you haven't noticed, Bunchy doesn't do idle. Not at all. I've been working out without a trainer for a week. And...I have some news...I've been talking to my original trainer. Let's just say it's looking like there might be more Trainer Mike stories in my future. :) HAPPY! Let's talk about my workouts though. I joined this squat challenge on FB. Three days of squats and then a rest day. Each day the amount of squats increases. At first, I thought this isn't really hard. I'm not even sore. I kind of wanted to be sore so I would know things were working. Then I thought I should match my squats with crunches. Yesterday morning I was at the gym bright and early and created my own little HIIT workout. Two minutes of jumping rope, 25 squats with 50 pounds on my shoulders, 25 crunches, 25 reverse crunches, a minute of bicep curls. REPEAT! I went through the circuit 5 times. A little over 30 minutes. I feel muscles in my butt and stomach that I had forgotten were there. They are talking. Today was a rest day for squats. This morning was a running morning. I am really enjoying running. I am finding few things as rewarding as the sweat conjured while running. I really want to share with you a story from two weeks ago. Two weeks ago yesterday to be exact. Even though my blogging has been limited the past several months, you might have caught on that it has been a difficult school year in my building. We have had numerous students whose families have been impacted by the sudden loss of an immediate family member. We have had a couple of staff members who have experienced tragedy as well. There have also been some students with rather challenging behaviors. We have had to put two of our cats to sleep. My grandfather is not doing well. My cousin has some mysterious illness. I'm working on a dissertation and trying to find a new job. The first thing they teach in you in counselor school is to take care of yourself because if you don't you can't help others. I preach this to people all the time. I check on my colleagues when I know they are dealing with a challenging situations and I've had several that have been in touch with me. What has my response been? "I'm fine. It's all good. I'm working out. Oh yes, I'm taking time for myself." Two weeks ago I had a morning where several people came and shared really intense stuff with me. I walked into a friend's office, she looked at me and asked if I was okay and the tears came. I turned around and walked back to my office. My friend followed me. I'm not talking about a few tears. I'm talking about heaving, breath taking sobs. They were uncontrollable. I couldn't stop. With a little help from my friend, I decided it would be best if I went home for the day. I started out into the hallway to find my principal when another friend called my name. I turned and she said, "Are you okay?" The tears came, I turned on my heel and went back to my office. My friends decided they would find the principal and bring her to me. After some convincing to everyone that I would be okay to drive, I came home and slept for hours. This is not like me. I don't do this. I woke up long enough for a snack as dinner and was back to sleep for the night. I woke up and went to a meeting the next morning and prepared to start my day. In walked my intern who took one look at me and said, "Go home. You aren't okay." The tears came again. I went back home and crawled back into bed where I slept again. It was like I had not slept in days. Every part of me felt heavy. I woke sweating after terrifying nightmares. I was starting to get a bit scared. This isn't me. I have never experienced anything like this. A friend who called/texted to check on me several times over those two days was so helpful in analyzing my nightmares (always someone chasing me, or I was lost and couldn't find my way, or I was trapped) and what was going on. All the time I had spent trying to be strong for others, I had internalized everything and there was nothing more I could take. It was my body's way of saying I needed a break. What does this have to do with Bunchy Beating the Bulge? Friends, there is so much more to taking care of us than physical. We have to take care of the mental side too. I know I am not the only one who is burdened with stress. You must have an outlet. Take it from me, stuffing it is not the answer. Don't fall into my trap of trying to fix everything for everyone else. You must keep yourself emotionally healthy. I am even more grateful for my friends after this experience. One in particular who continually gave me permission to take care of me. (You know who you are!) I needed someone to give me permission during that time because for whatever reasons, I had decided I didn't have time and I wasn't important enough. Lesson Learned!

For Where There is FURY, WRATH is Likely

You know I haven't been blogging as much because I'm working every spare minute to finish my dissertation. However, a few things have occurred in the last 48 hours of which I must blog. First, I had taken two days off from the gym and last night decided to run a mile. I ran my best time and decided to go on for two miles. When I ran those two miles in under thirty minutes I slowed down to a brisk walk. I had taken a picture of the screen and sent it to my husband, my friend Sonya, and my first trainer. I said to my first trainer, "Did you ever even imagine this could happen?" He replied, "I did. I always did." AWWWWWW! The connection I had with Mike in this journey still exists. He believed in me before I ever had an inkling of what lied inside. He still does. Mike, I appreciate you more than words. In true Forest Gump mode, I thought I'm going to keep running. I ran three miles in under 43 minutes. I have NEVER done that before. My friend Belinda was on the stepper next to me. I had tears in my eyes. I couldn't believe what I had just done. It was a milestone. You might also note that it is a milestone that I am sharing with you what my actual times are. I have kept my times to myself because running has continually been a struggle for me. Remember the days when I wouldn't run a mile at all? When I couldn't run 5 minutes without feeling as though I was going to die? As such, I compete with myself. I don't compete with others on this journey. This is a me thing. I know there are many out there running way faster than Bunchy. I'm happy for you. I just don't want to set myself up for failure by getting caught up in trying to run faster than someone else. I don't know if this makes sense, but I have to get completely comfortable with myself as a runner. I've been working on this for two years. Not intensely, obviously. However, this month I've been using a 1 mile run as a warm up. This morning I had to go to the doctor for a follow up appointment. There was Brenda at the front desk. She said, "Your hair? What are you trying to be a model?" This resulted in a big smile from me. I told her about my friend Miah who had noticed my hair just the day before and said, "First it's the skinny walk and then it's the hair. Look at her. Look at her." Then the Dr comes in the room and says "You absolutely glow. I've never seen you healthier than in these last few months. He went over all of my numbers from my recent blood work and told me how impressed he was. He went on to say that he had been sharing my story with a couple of other patients who were struggling with their weight. He needs them to talk with me because he knows I can talk about how difficult the journey has been, but how rewarding at the same time. We agreed that I need to finish the dissertation first and then I will ABSOLUTELY help these people. For if I can help one person, just one find the happiness and health I have found then it's all worth it. Now to the fury... Tonight at the gym I decided to run a mile for a warm up. I wasn't trying to beat my time. I just wanted to run a mile. This really good song came on my playlist and I increased the speed on the treadmill. Before I knew it, I had done a 12:30 mile. Now Readers, I'm not sure what moves were coming out of my body at that point. There was jumping, dancing, tears streaming down my face. My friend Belinda was there. I immediately went to her and showed her my time. She said "You are such an inspiration." (She's as much an inspiration to me as she claims I am to her.) Then I ran out of the gym to call my mom. When I was back inside and talking to Belinda for a minute my trainer had finished with his client. I was still doing the happy dance and saying things like "I can't believe I just did that." Brandon gives me a look. I said "I just ran my fastest mile. I did it Brandon. I did it." He rolled his eyes. Belinda said,"Does he have an excitement button?" Brandon said, "She hasn't found it yet." Then he asked me what my heart rate was. It was in the 160's. So I thought I would tell him how proud my doctor is of me and how he wants me to speak with a few others who are struggling and Brandon rolled his eyes again. He never smiled, he never said Good Job. After he rolled his eyes the second time he left. I looked at Belinda and said, "Did that just happen?" She said it did. I said, "Am I overreacting?" She said "Oh no. I can't believe the way he just treated you." I'm fuming. I pay this man a lot of money. Not just to help me in my fitness journey, but to celebrate. Over the last few weeks, I've realized there has been little celebrating with Brandon. Even Jillian celebrates with her clients on Biggest Loser. And she's the meanie! I didn't make it to my session with Brandon on Saturday. We were supposed to measure so now we are doing that tomorrow. We then have two more workout sessions. After the measurements, I will be letting Brandon know that those next two sessions are not necessary. I want my results so far though which is the only reason I'm meeting him tomorrow. That is the wrath. I'm going to let him know that I was in tears with a friend on the phone after I finished my workout because not only did he do nothing to celebrate my accomplishment, he actually took away from it with his cynical look and attitude. Hopefully, he will accept responsibility for his actions and he won't have to see the wrath. In reality, he made me feel like I was a nobody and why would I get so excited about running? There are choice words that describe he and his attitude! As far as I am concerned, he can hit the road!!!

Fatigued and Fragile

I want to share something that I've learned from training and experience. I'm writing it as much for myself as you. I work as an elementary school counselor. When I was working on my degree, we had many instructors warn us about compassion fatigue. This is something that happens when you put a lot of time and energy into caring for the well being of others. Typically, we are quick to forget about our own mental health. It doesn't just happen to those of us who work in mental health. It can happen to anyone. Those who work in emergency services, first responders, parents, someone caring for someone who is sick, many many circumstances lend themselves to a caregiver experiencing compassion fatigue. It also happens when "life" deals you unexpected deaths, tragedies, sickness or other stressful situations. Any one even on their own might be difficult, but when they start to pile up, it is extremely hard to not let it get to you. You might know you're not handling things well when you can't sleep, lose motivation, have a change in appetite, feel down, or are irritable. Without doing something, compassion fatigue can quickly turn to depression. Often, it feels if one more thing happens you are going to break. My own situation is one where we have been working a series of tragic deaths at my school. While I have not lost a family member (we did lose a friend last week), assisting families and friends in times of these tragedies can be draining. When you add to that the every day challenges of being a counselor, it can often feel overwhelming. I am blessed with a strong support system. (I appreciate each and everyone one of you so much.) First, my husband and my mom are great supporters. They have both been checking in with me. Today I have received phone calls, emails, and texts from friends and family making sure I was okay. I have had friends email and offer to take some things off of my plate. I have had several colleagues call and ask me what I'm doing to take care of myself. When they do this, I am forced to remember that I must take care of myself. If we neglect to take care of our own needs, we are unable to care for others. With my new lifestyle, my "go to" release is the gym. Stress makes me want to get there even more than normal. There are other things that can be done to relieve stress too. Things that we often take for granted. One of the easiest things to do is to unplug. Turn the cell phone off, step away from the computer. I will be doing this in just a few minutes actually. I will take a hot bath and then lay in bed and either watch tv or read a book. I will not do anything related to work or my doctoral studies. You might think this is a no brainer. You might say "There's no way I could do that. I have too much to do." So do I. There is a to do list that keeps growing and growing to the point I want to cry because I have no idea how I'm going to get it done. At this point, I have to stop and make my own well being a priority. Tonight at the gym I was able to laugh with some friends. Laughter is ALWAYS good medicine. I am getting much better at identifying when I need to take care of me. I also understand it's not selfish. Some might see it that way. They might get their feelings hurt when I tell them no. It doesn't mean I don't care. It just means that right now I'm fragile and in order to keep from breaking, I have to pause and do some maintenance. "Bunchy? Have you lost your mind? What does this have to do with weight loss?" Everything, Friends. Everything. You are only able to take care of yourself physically, when you are taking care of yourself mentally too. They go hand in hand. “Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being, and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.”~unknown A final thank you to my support system...Thank You for knowing me better than I know myself sometimes. Each of you has been a breath of fresh air to me during these challenges.

Underlying Issues

You might remember I had an issue this summer at the gym when my workout pants fell off. I've since replaced my pants both for working out and working. Evidently, I need to start replacing underwear too. As my underwear has become too big, I've thrown it out. Replacing it bit by bit. Evidently, I need to pay more attention to these articles. The first problem came in December at our staff Christmas party. I was playing a Dance game with the Wii. As I'm dancing and trying VERY hard to beat my friend Amber which is EXTREMELY difficult because of her experience and skill, my underwear started to slide down my butt. We were in a family room and a lot of people were behind us. I found myself in an awkward situation. I couldn't just dig around and pull it back up. I was at the center of the room. All eyes were on Amber and I or shall I say..our butts! As soon as our song was over, I casually sat down on the couch. Have you ever had your underwear fall below your butt cheeks? The one reassurance is that as long as you are wearing pants it can't go any further. A mistake was made when I told my friend Lisa about my circumstance. She found it humorous and even more so to try and grab them while saying, "Your panties have fallen! Your panties have fallen!" and laughing hysterically. Finally, I could stand it no longer. I went to the restroom and shoved them into the pocket of my pants. Waiting for an excuse to go to our truck, seemed like an eternity. I was sure someone was going to ask what was in my pocket. Maybe no one noticed, to me it felt like I had shoved a small animal in there. I finally made my exit and hid the underwear in the truck. The saying "Put on your big girl panties and deal with it" is all well and fine until your big girl panties are too big! Most would think I would look for any similar underwear and discard them before having a repeat performance. I was pretty sure I had, but I've lost another size since December. This week I was at the gym. Interval training on the stepper in a crowded gym when the uncomfortable panty slide started. I'm not sure if anyone was looking. If I had been recorded and we went back and watched the video, viewers would notice me slow down while trying to shift my hips. Not sure what I was thinking. Maybe the right move would catch them and bring them back to the correct position. No such luck. The viewer would then notice an increase in my speed. For goodness sake, if moving faster will help get them under the cheeks then let's just be done with it already! I was grateful the workout pants I had on didn't reveal the mishap. I hope you all find this as funny as I do and I also hope if you are on a weight loss journey, you will enjoy a similar experience. As uncomfortable as it was at the time, I NEVER imagined when this journey began that MY PANTIES WOULD FALL OFF!!!