Bunchy In Search of Self

Last week I posted a butt workout. If you have not tried this, your butt is missing out. I did the full thing for the first time yesterday. I did three sets of 20 and added donkey kicks. I do not remember the last time my butt was this sore. I will be incorporating these moves into my workouts more regularly. Several times during my doctoral course work, instructors mentioned that we needed to have a plan for when we finished our dissertation. They advised that after one had spent so much time focused on publishing a dissertation there could be a sense of loss when it was finished. After I defended, I sat in the room with one of my advisors and we talked about this very thing. At that point, I was thinking of final edits that needed to be made and a checklist of tasks to complete so I could walk in May. You might remember that while taking that walk and being announced as Dr. Bunch was so incredible, it was also bittersweet as we had moved Grandpa to Hospice House three days before. After graduation I spent the next six weeks with my family saying goodbye (still can't write about this without crying!). I had told my mom and sister about the advice of my instructors. They heard what I said. For the next several weeks I helped my sister and brother in law get their house ready to go on the market. I helped Mom with various projects. I played in my flower gardens and vegetable garden (both of which are zen for me). I kicked off one of the more challenging school years I've ever worked. We went into the holidays. Now we are at the end of January and I'm stuck. I'm restless. I'm anxious. I'm lost. A dear friend of mine called the other day and asked me how I was doing without having the academic part of my life and the tears started flowing. It's not that I miss the writing deadlines, the never-ending editing and revising, the research (okay…maybe a little), I miss the challenge. I miss knowing what was next. There was a deadline in front of me and I knew where I was headed. There was a goal before me. I love my job and it is where I am happiest. I look forward to going to work and being with my little people and trying to help them face the challenges life has given them. While I am there I'm busy and I'm focused. I don't have down time. There is always someone to talk to and someone who needs me. In addition to being in my building, I have a central office position that keeps me pretty busy too. There are times the work is stressful and draining, but it is fulfilling. With that being said, I've started the process of finding a position as an administrator for next year. The first applications have been filled out and submitted. Truthfully, it would be best for me if I could take on the challenge of a new position. I need something new to bite into. I need a new purpose. More than ever before in this weight loss journey, I've been incorporating two workouts a day. (Don't freak out! I don't do it every day. It's not consistent!) There are times when I'm so in search of self, that I cannot just sit. I need to run. I need to move. I am an avid reader. I'm having difficulty focusing on a book. I read the same thing over and over again. I AM LOST! I feel smothered by every day things.(No, I'm not depressed.) I refuse to fall into some meaningless routine. That's not me. A meaningless routine terrifies me actually. I'm a go getter. I'm driven by a challenge. Right now, I'm constantly wondering "what is next?" "where am I going?" "what's the plan?" I'm searching for what sparks me and gives me purpose. It's a struggle and it's not a fun place. I will also say that I'm shocked by this phenomenon. I really thought I would finish and enjoy being able to read what I wanted when I wanted. I thought I would be so busy doing things around the house and finding new projects that this wouldn't affect me at all. I was mistaken. Oh how I was mistaken. I CANNOT wait to find out what's next and I hope I find it and me very soon!