Well it's been a busy couple of weeks. We've been working some late nights for conferences. However, the days have flown by because I've been trying to keep up at work. AND my friend Polly has a student teacher who is teaching full time now. This requires Polly to leave the classroom and she has been humoring me all week. We have had quite a few really good laughs. Nevertheless, several of us left conferences last night and went to Westport. McCoys was hosting Boobs Rock a benefit for breast cancer. A couple of ladies from one of my favorite bands, Cherry Bomb, were to perform. So enjoy some dinner we did and listen to some other people that we didn't think were so talented we did as well. Just as the fatigue of the week was catching up with us and we were getting impatient for our girls to rock, a person appeared on my lap. I couldn't tell if it was a man or a woman at first, but as I was scooting closer to my friend Mary and grabbing her leg under the table the person was scooting closer to me as well and when I could not get any further away and was face to face with it, I learned it was in fact a she. She proceeded to tell me how adorable I was. One would hope my friends would have been planning my exit, but they all had their phones out snapping pics and posting captions as quickly as they could on FB. The person, Heather, continued to tell me how cute I was and how fun it was to make me blush. I was a little scared because I didn't know what Heather really wanted. Turns out she was collecting email addresses for a band she was promoting. I gave her one, but it wasn't accurate. She finally left me and the girls told me I had made their evening. Not a lot of time passed before she came back. This time she completely sat on my lap and told me my smile was contagious and she could resist being around me. She hasn't had many reasons to smile in her life recently and I make her smile. Are you kidding me? Well of course then the counselor in me came out and I said, "That makes me said that you have no reason to smile." I quick realized I needed to shut up because she got this look in her eye and I really wanted to get out of there. My friend Stephanie who had been at another booth came over to tell me by and Heather made an exit after which so did we. Words which come to mind to describe this event were terrifying, awkward, and ultimately hilarious.

After my night out I had a workout planned with Mike this morning. I was a little concerned because I went to bed around midnight and had to meet him at 9:00. The thing is in order for that to happen you have to get up early and eat your protein and get hydrated. Sporting my new "Boobs Rock" tshirt, I got to the gym and ran for three minutes on my own before he arrived. Of course, since he didn't see it, he doesn't believe it happened. So we lunged. While I was lunging I shared the events of the previous night and the entire rest of the workout was filled with one liners courtesy of Mike the trainer or Mike the comedian whichever you prefer. It was a really good workout. I was on my game. I think. Except for the fact that my right shoulder and left shoulder are not the same strength and one is always compensating for the other. I'm happy to be able to get back in my workout groove. Gonna hit the gym and the diet both hard this week. I guess I'm going to need to get on the scales and see where that number is too. I'm hoping for a significant weight loss between now and Christmas. And a few more drastic inches. Michael thinks the diet is going to make this happen. I'm a little nervous about the diet, but I have to get my head wrapped around it and just do it. NO EXCUSES! I have to plan ahead and be prepared.

You know emotions sometimes cause me not to eat at all. Sometimes emotions cause me to make bad food choices. This week we will be having the auction of my grandparent's place. I can't believe it is finally here after a fall full of work. It is in fact emotional. I can't think about it without shedding a few tears. Several reasons: the first is that Grandpa is going to be leaving the house. I've had conversations with him and he is struggling. We all know he can't stay there another winter. Last winter he went without water for weeks on end because of frozen pipes that burst and we couldn't get to them to fix them. He's never had hot water in this place. It is so secluded that it isn't really safe for him to be out there on his own. Anyway, he has now said that once all of his stuff is sold he will not want to spend another night there because everything will be gone. We are hoping he can spend the night of the auction in his new place. I feel so bad for him. Years and years and years of things will be sold. Memories made in that home will not be so close anymore. I'm worried about him as they start selling his stuff...how hard is that going to be for him emotionally? Poor Grandpa. I love him soooo much. He is one of the GREATEST men I have ever known.
Another emotional piece for me is this: a senior from my hometown died early this morning as a result of a head injury from a foot ball game. His older sister was one of my sister's best friends in high school. They spent a lot of time together. My mom went to school with Nathan's dad. We aren't supposed to ask why in situations such as these. I prefer to think that God needed Nathan for something now. It's emotional to me because I think of all of my friends who are suffering this loss. It is hard for me. I want to be able to help. Yet, there is nothing I can do. It brings back memories of when I was a freshman and Brad and Mark were killed in a drunk driving accident. I will never forget when we went to school that Monday. You could have heard a pin drop on the floor. I'm still not sure why we went at all. They cancelled school for the rest of the week. A loss such as that is something you are never able to cope with, but especially when you are in high school. It's so unfair. It makes me think of the Chris Tomlin song "I will Rise"
"And I will rise when he calls my name
no more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
I will rise"

Schedules and Diet as well as Feet and A**

I met with Mike tonight for the first time in about a week. I much prefer our twice weekly sessions, but my schedule has been a little crazy. Parent Teacher Conferences put demands on my time. I have had meetings that have started at 7:00 this week and then you finish your day at 8:00 in the evening. This is on top of doctorate work. I'm not complaining. I LOVE meeting with parents. It is a great part of my job...making those connections. I understand that the more I know about a family's background helps me better educate a student. So in addition to me not meeting with Mike, I haven't been to the gym this whole week. Now I feel really bad about this. As I was driving home tonight I realized I'm in the same situation next week. I'm starting the week with a 7:30 morning conference on Monday where I will be dressed in some 50's attire as we are starting Red Ribbon Week. Monday's theme is Drug Free Days are Happy Days. Gotta find a poodle skirt. Tuesday morning it's an early meeting followed by conferences until 8:00 that night. Wednesday I have class until 9:00 p.m. Thursday morning meetings with more meetings after school until 8:00. Now at that point our staff is going to McCoy's down in Westport to hear the Women of Cherry Bomb perform at Boobs Rock! Okay, but I can't go the whole week without working out. So I realized I'm going to have to get up EARLY which I do NOT do well and go to the gym before I go to work. Not only for my own personal workout, but also for Team Topping.

Our district insurance provider has started this eight week competition between buildings. You could voluntarily sign up to walk for your building. At the end of 8 weeks the building with the most miles will have a lunch catered to their building. We are Walking to Wellness. Truthfully, I will be running some of that. I'm not giving myself an option. So next week could wear me out, but I'm impressed with myself that I'm setting morning workout goals.

Along the same line, let's discuss my new diet. Thursday I sent Mike a text and said I don't think I can do this during these two weeks of conferences. He was so understanding and agreed I could start the first of November. The diet is all protein with VERY limited carbs. It made me feel a little funky when I first started it. I needed some carbohydrate energy. Now, don't think I'm blowing the whole eating thing just because I'm not going on THE diet. I'm still eating healthy, but with more than protein.

Tonight's workout was good. There were also several funny parts. I was going to do squats with the weighted bar on my back. Mike said, "I'll hold this on my back you move the racks down." I said, "I don't know how." Thank Goodness a couple of gym guys saw the predicament and got the rack where it needed to be and even more goodness that Mike took the 90 pounds off the bar and put on less weight. So the command was (Mom, I apologize...I know you don't like this word, but I'm being real here) ass to your toes. Get your ass to your toes. That's how low I was supposed to squat. I couldn't squat quite that low, but it gave me a goal. We also did a new thing for triceps. I stopped in the middle and said, "This is a good one. I can really feel it. I like to tell you when we do good things as well as the bad." This led us into a conversation about attitude and people who are glass half full versus people who are glass half empty. I'm not sure I will ever share all of that conversation, but Mike is a counselor in many ways. He made me aware of some things that I needed to be made aware of and I heard him. But it hurt...it made my heart hurt a little cause it wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear. And now, I'll ponder on it for several days I'm sure. That's just what I do.

Mike wore flip flops to the gym tonight. I had on my workout shoes. It's obvious who does the work in these sessions. So after I had been standing on my head doing pike pushups, Mike said, "On your back. You have crunches to do." I had my legs resting on the weight bench and Mike sat at the other end playing with his toes. Those of you that know me well...know exactly where this is going. Mike starts talking about how his toes are after his show because of the spray on tan and the oils and stuff. I said, "I don't like feet. I'm not looking." He then moved his foot closer to me. I moved away. Now at this point I had already done 50 crunches and there were 50 more to go. Mike lost count because he was thinking of just how close he could put his foot to me without me freaking out and I couldn't even start counting because I had to make sure the foot stayed out of my personal space. I ended up laughing so hard. We had to start the 50 crunches over. For all I know I did 150 crunches. This is normal behavior. Whenever people find out I don't like feet they feel compelled to rub their feet on me. I have been chased in a school hallway numerous times. I was held in a swimming pool so my friend who is missing a toenail (I'm gagging just thinking about this one) could rub that toe all over me. In high school I was held outside of choir thinking I was going to be late to class only to walk in and find everyone, including the director, barefoot. I really should not have told Mike about my issue with feet, but his were right there...really too close for comfort.

I had a full moon day. A kindergartner who was practicing his cowboy spitting. He was coughing things up to spit on people if you get my drift. Then a first grader who threw his pineapple all over me because he was mad at me. And lots of other stuff. I frantically finished an assignment that was due to MU tonight when I got home from work. I can't tell you how good it felt to go to the gym and workout with my trainer. I always feel good after those workouts. It was just what I needed. It's a beautiful, sometimes painful, usually fun stress relief!

Run Run Fast As You Can

Mike and I met for the first time last night in a week and a half. Mike had been preparing for his show and then recovering from his show. I am happy to say he took first runner up. I am very proud of him. I had every intention of continuiing on with my workout even though Mike wasn't there. I made it to the gym two times and did a 5k in that time. I should have done way more.

I have had a very frustrating last couple of weeks. My laptop which is my link to the doctorate program has come down with a nasty virus. At several points this has put me behind in homework and deadlines are quickly approaching. So there have been at least two times I could have chosen to go to the gym, but opted to work on homework instead.

When Mike I met last night I was worn out. It had been a physically and emotionally draining day at work. I didn't take time to drink a protein shake first. Not my best plan. Everything we did was really hard. We started with some nasty leg presses that didn't just get my legs, but my butt too. Then Mike decided it was time to do a new excercise called a one arm dead lift. I tried. I tried again. I got snippy with Mike. He got snippy right back and told me I was overanalyzing it and that there was no reason I couldn't do the exercise. Finally, I just gave up and told him we had to do something else. He must have been as frustrated with the exercise as I was because he let me stop. The next thing we did was chest presses where he kept adding weights to the bar. It's like when you're going to get a shot or have blood drawn and you don't want to see the size of the needle??? Yep...that's how I felt...I just didn't want to look and see how much weight was on there.

For the last 10 minutes Mike said we were going to be on the treadmill. I knew this didn't mean walking. So I immediately started feeling sick to my stomach. He set the clock for 6 minutes and let me walk the first minute and then we went into a slow jog. I made it a minute and then I hit the button down and said, "I can't do this. Why can't I do this? I feel like I"m going to puke. I feel like I'm going to fall. I used to be able to do this and now I can't what is the deal?" Mike just gave me this look. It wasn't a pleasant look. It almost felt like a look of disappointment. UGH. He said, "You just have to get past the part where you feel like you are going to throw up. YOu have to move past that and then you'll be fine." So I increased the speed and thought "It's not an option. You have to do this. Mike is not looking very pleased with you. You have run in the past. This is no different. Mike knows you can do it. You can't let him or yourself down." I ran for 2 minutes. So tomorrow the goal is 2 minutes and 30 seconds. I can't let this running overcome me. I have to be able to conquer it. I want to be a runner I think. Actually, I know that I do. I want to run. It is a mind over matter thing. I have to keep remembering that. But let me tell you...I don't want to see that look on Mike's face again. It didn't make me feel good at all. And between the look and the pain of running at one point I thought I was going to cry. That would have been a memorable workout for sure. :(

So I came home last night feeling like a loser because I couldn't run the whole 5 minutes and because I quit on the one armed dead lift. Yes, a loser. I hate it when I don't do what I set out to do. It's a problem for me. Well, obviously something in the workout worked because tonight...my legs, my butt, and my arms are all so sore, I can hardly move. It's a good pain. I'm ready to get back into the swing of things and hit it hard again. When I meet with Mike on Sunday we're going to change my diet. I have a feeling it's going to be challenging, but I'm ready for that. I need it.

Unwrapping the past

Almost two months ago I received a request to be a friend with somone I didn't know. Her name is Mindy. It so happens she is the cousin of a friend of mine who happens to be the mom of a really good friend of mine. Anyway, Mindy had been talking to our mutual friend about her own weight loss challenges. The friend recommended my blog to her. After she read my blog, she requested to be my friend on FB. Mindy tells me I am an inspiration to her. Well...I think it is the other way around. This woman has lost over sixty pounds since last spring. She is hard core. Her before and current pics are incredible. Now we keep each other motivated. I am so proud of her.

What gets me more than people complimenting me on my new look is people who tell me I inspire them to lose weight. When I started this, I never imagined that would be an outcome.

Tonight I started chatting with a friend I had met in June. This might be the second time we have chatted on FB. Although, everytime we chat we learn we have more and more in common. It's surreal. It's even more surreal that another new friend has come into my life at about the same time and the things we have in common are freaky at times. Same tv shows, same foods, same shopping tastes. Meeting new people and developing new friendships is a blessing in life to me. I've never had to seek it out. It always happens. Anyway, this friend I met in June has been reading my FB posts and should be catching up on my blog right now. Tonight she asked me how I like having a trainer. I said, "Hands down it is THE best decision I have ever made!" I'm excited to help this friend through her own journey as a cheerleader on the side line. I never expected the reactions that would result from my action of hiring a trainer.

Remember? I had known about Mike the trainer since January. He had talked to my husband about working out with me. I didn't do it though because I thought someway, somehow, I had to figure it out on my own. Yet, the pounds kept coming on. I knew I was waaaayyyy too fat to work out with a trainer so I decided I would get twenty pounds off before I worked with him. That lasted until the end of April when I couldn't stop crying. My clothes didn't fit right. I didn't want to buy the next size. I couldn't look in the mirror. I really didn't believe I could even get a job in school adiministration because of my weight. So I made the call. I was so nervous that first time. Truth? I was nervous for at least the first month. Now Mike and I have developed a relationship built on trust and I don't get nervous about going to the gym. Sometimes, I get a little scared because I know it's going to be intense.

Now that Mike is done with his show we are going to give extra focus to my diet. Ironically, the worst part for me is eating enough. I am scared of food. Isn't that weird? A fattie scared of food? There are several reasons...and I've debated on what to share on here, but I feel compelled so here goes...

The summer before my senior year I walked religiously. I walked three miles in the morning and another three after dinner EVERY DAY. I also swam every day. I don't completely remember what my eating habits were like, but I know I was counting calories to make sure I was burning off what I was eating. By the time I started my senior year I was as thin as I had ever been. I felt great. However, it wasn't enough for the guy I was dating. We went swimming at the beach at a local lake. I thought we had a great time. A few days later at school one of his friends told me that the boyfriend had referred to me as a beached whale. Please don't think the friend was ratting him out. He told me with the boyfriend standing there and they both laughed. Today? I would have walked away and never looked back. Then? I was so insecure and thought this guy would be the only guy ever interested in me so I took it. I took a lot more from him too. He was soooo mean to me. Yet, I didn't think I deserved better. Even though the scales were at their lowest I still saw fat Tammy reflected in the mirror. It didn't help with the comments I received from the boyfriend. I was pretty desperate.

While my friends spent senior skip day together (I didn't feel like they really wanted me there) so I went and hung out with some people I worked with at a local fast food establishment in Olathe. We went bowling with our boss. We went to his house. We had a fun day. That night the boss had to work at a store different from our location. Two of the guys I had been hanging out with all day suggested we go pay a visit. We did. We went into the store and the two friends took off. That left me with the boss. Within a few minutes we were in the freezer and I had a knife to my throat. I didn't tell my parents, I couldn't. I was so scared that I had done something to bring this on. So I didn't report it to the police and there was no testing done to have proof of what had happened. I went to prom the next night with my boyfriend who didn't really like me, but thought it was cool to be with a senior as he was only a junior. I did tell him what happened. He laughed. He said I probably did something to deserve it. Well...guess what I internalized? You betcha...I internalized that being raped by my boss was my fault. It didn't help that the guy I was dating told me it was my fault. He believed that anyone that was raped did something to deserve it. And yes...I still stayed with him.

After a couple of weeks,my youth minister figured out I wasn't okay and questioned me and I couldn't lie. Truly I felt like I was going to bust inside. After I told him, he made me promise I would tell my parents. He actually gave me a deadline to tell them before he would. I felt like the world was against me. So one night after work, I told my mom, but made her promise not to tell my dad. After the words were out of my mouth, my mom started screaming for my dad immediately. He came running into the kitchen. I was mortified at this point and wanted to suck the words back in. I couldn't stand to see them in this pain. Holy Cow!!! My parents talked with an attorney who said that since there was no proof it was a he said she said thing and trying to prove it in court would be very difficult. My mom did contact the district manager for the establishment and demand that a report be filed. The district manager showed up at our store on a Friday night during a rush of people...took me to a booth in the back and started writing down the details of what I said happened. She had another person from the headquarters there too. I had no one. I had a crowd of people who saw me crying. Mostly, I had embarrassment.

Then I was reprimanded. As an employee of one store it was policy that I shouldn't have been in the other store. I'm not a rule breaker...I wasn't familiar with that rule. Maybe she made it up on the spot to cover her butt. I don't know. So the best medicine was to let it go and forget it happened. I'll tell you what happened after that, in order to make my family think I was okay I ate. My family are eaters. When you quit eating they know you aren't okay. As I was trying to eat to prove to them that we didn't need to talk about things I started to gain weight again. I have never been back to the weight I was my senior year since.
For me at some level, the weight is protection. I realize this is a psychological construct that I must eliminate, but it's hard. This has been a 20 year defense.

So there you have it. For a long time I've been telling myself this was not appropriate to put on the blog. However, this is a huge part of my challenge with weight. I am just now realizing this. It's a piece of emotional baggage that is being unravelled as I am on the journey of weight loss.

I am thrilled that I have followers who tell me I inspire them. It is amazing to me. I'm just little ole me trying to figure it out and getting my butt kicked and lovin every minute of it.

Centurion

I really have no idea if I spelled Centurion right or wrong. There is one blog reader who will correct me on it if I am wrong. Hopefully, she will do it in private. I ran into the gym tonight with my shoes untied because I was running a few late. The owner said, "Tammy, I'm scared for you tonight." She had been talking to Trainer Mike. Then she looked at me and got tears in her eyes because of the changes she can see. I told her about our "Good News" at work. A couple of years ago we started this thing where we turn in good news about staff members to our principal throughout the week. If there is good news then we get to wear jeans on Monday. I get pretty excited to read "Good News" on Monday. It's nice to see colleagues recognized for their hard work and dedication to a demanding job. This week there were several comments in there about me and my weight loss journey. I cried when I read them. People made comments about my new look, my new energy level, and my new attitude. I have transformed. In most ways this is a really good deal. I feel better than I have EVER felt before. There are a few challenges with the changes that I am working through. The challenges are terrifying to say the least.

So Michael says,"Okay..tonight we are going to do a Centurion workout. that's a 100 of each exercise." I know I gave him "the look". I think the look was intensified when he told me to grab two twelve pound weights and do one hundred lunges. He is so dedicated. He walked beside me counting as I went back and forth across the gym floor. Now, I don't take his dedication lightly. He has spent the last 20 weeks training for a body building show this coming Saturday. His energy is spent. He has transformed himself into a machine which is on very low energy right now. And when he mandated the next exercise of 100 squats with two twelve pound weights and made me move over to a rather low bench and make my butt touch it each time...he diligently counted. He continued to count as I did 100 reverse chin ups, 100 shoulder presses, 100 bicep curls, 100 lat pulls, 100 shrugs, 100 push ups, 100 crunches, 100 bicep curls, 100 leg presses, and 100 calf something or another. He even encouraged me. Readers, I needed encouragement. There were a couple of exercises we started and I was thinking "I'll show him. I'm not stopping. I'm going straight through." Then a body part would start to cramp or burn like I had let fire ants loose inside and I would have to pause and gather myself back together. Gathering myself back together involves digging deep inside and finding the power within to force me to finish. This is one of the biggest changes I have noticed in myself throughout this journey. I now know that if I dig deep and sometimes I have to dig REAL deep, I can find the strength to finish.

Tonight was my third workout in a row with Michael. We worked out last night and Saturday as well. I'm not going to see him again until after his show. It's important for him to take this time to get ready. I have a feeling it's going to be a long workout week for me. I thrive on the challenges he presents me. However, I think the biggest challenge is yet to come.

Pounds still aren't dropping as quickly as either of us would like. No I'm not in the closet eating ice cream and cake. For the most part I am now making healthy eating choices. The problem is that I don't eat enough. We had a long talk about this last night. I'm supposed to get up in the morning and eat then eat two hours later then eat two hours later...all day long. I just get busy and don't think about eating every two hours so I'm not taking in enough to lose weight. I explained why this is such an issue for me. I have always struggled with my weight and food is my enemy. Michael then made me name a food that would kill me if I put it in my body. I said, "Castor Beans" He didn't find that humorous and said, "You wouldn't put that in your mouth." I'm going to continue to make my healthy choices through this week and after Michael's show we are going to change me up a notch.We anticipate large results from this change. Stay tuned, readers.

I did get to have ice cream tonight after our workout because of the challenge. And guess what? It gave me heart burn and I couldn't totally enjoy it. But it made me feel better for a while. The goal is that no matter what is going on in my life I have to feed my body like a machine. The difficult part for me is that when I get really stressed like I have been these last few days/weeks...I don't want to eat. I remove food from the equation. I know it's stupid, but in trying to find answers to really challenging problems, I lose my appetite. However, I have promised Mike I will do this. We have talked about it a lot and I have thought about it a lot. I'm ready when he is. He has guided me this far and the results have been great. We will get the food part taken care of too. Oh and running...running is still a challenge for me. Gotta get that one under control too. It's a mental thing.

I only hope that as I am making these changes both physically and emotionally in this journey as well as the academic changes I am making in the doctorate program that I will not change so much that there are negative consequences. When you change so quickly and drastically it can put you in an uncomfortable state with those who are okay with the status quo.