Longer Pants…A Sign of a Shrinking Waist

I'm not a tall person. 5'1 and a half inches to be exact. Buying pants is often tricky. I don't want to have to hem my pants every time I buy them. You also know that I wait until my pants are literally falling off before I replace them. I'm trying very hard to get to the next size down. The size I am in now are a little big. They aren't falling off, but they are big. Guess what I have discovered? When your pants get bigger around the waist THEY GET LONGER!!!! I put on a pair of pants Tuesday with a pair of shoes I normally wear them with. The pants were too long. I put on a bigger heel and they were still too long. All day long there I was stepping on my pants. No, I'm not going to hem them! They have a cuff on the bottom. I had been thinking I was imagining things. I now have enough evidence (which is based on the fact that most of my pants are now too long) to support that a shrinking waist can result in longer pants. I guess this is the motivation I need to work a bit harder at reaching that next size. We are in the holiday season. How are you doing? Are you surviving? I'm doing pretty good. However, I've not been to one party yet. Those begin this weekend. My plan is to eat in moderation. I do not plan to be wheat free. I have the luxury of not being intolerant to wheat. I realize wheat triggers food cravings for me. I will be cautious and continue with my workouts. I would like to say that I will end my relationship with wheat after Christmas. However, it is more likely that I will modify my relationship with wheat. By this I mean, I will be 90-95% wheat free. When keeping to these terms of the relationship, I feel in control and much better. Much much much better! I never in a million years thought I would be in the habit of early morning workouts. Alas, never say never. I'm very intent on weight lifting. I haven't counted miles last month or this month. I'm taking great pleasure in my ability to increase the weight that I am lifting. As with everything, balance is needed. I have been lax in cardio and not pushed myself in part because of painful heel spur. I had my first injection for that three weeks ago. The pain in the arch of my foot went away, but then I could really feel the pain in the heel of my foot. That injection was last night. I thought the first injection was painful, but it didn't hold a candle to last night's injection. I screamed. I didn't care who could hear me. I cried. The doctor hugged me and told me he thinks we got the injection right where we needed to because the pain was so intense. Today my foot is sore, but that could be in part due to the bruise at the sight of the injection. Once the foot is heeled, I plan to create a more balanced workout with strength and cardio. I still gain motivation for making good choices by the changes in my body. Not only are my pants getting longer, but I've been thinking that I've been noticing things as well when I look in the mirror. Last week I went to dinner with some friends and when I took off my coat they made me spin around before I was allowed to sit down. They really noticed a difference. This set me on fire! I love that I feel better, have more energy, and can lift more weights, but who doesn't like it when someone notices all of the hard work!?!?!

Gym Bullies

A miracle occurred in my world on Sunday, November 3rd at about 9:30 p.m. Michelle texted me and another friend from the gym and asked if we would be her accountability partners at the gym. Of course we responded yes! Without a second thought I was at the gym at 6:00 a.m. the following Monday morning. We did strength training followed by Tabata training. Tuesday morning we were off because we had turbo kick on Tuesday night. Every other morning we were at the gym hitting it. I was sore. I was pushed beyond my limits. I was nauseous. When I thought I couldn't go on, Michelle encouraged me. AMAZING! I hadn't felt this way since working out with Trainer Mike. I was preparing my post to introduce Trainer Michelle. Michelle is who taught the bootcamp this summer where I learned about the poisonous wheat and many other things that have changed how I feed my body. She has truly inspired a change I needed. BOOM!!!! After working out this Monday, we arrived at Turbo Tuesday night only to find out that some grouchy old fools at the gym had complained about our music. Please understand the music is not offensive. It's music that Michelle uses for Tabata. Hello! How can we do Tabata without music? Well...the ruling is we have to get rid of the music. Not only did six people complain to the owner, one complained to corporate. Don't think I haven't thought about sending my own complaint to corporate about NOT being able to use music when I work out. One of the men that has complained (it's pretty simple to figure out because it's not like there are too many people in the gym at that time of the morning) smacks his gum so loud that I am offended. This has bothered me each and every time I have gone to the gym in the morning. Maybe I should write a complaint and there will be no more gum chewing at the gym??? Two of the others that have complained workout with the JERK Trainer. I'm pretty sure he has voiced his complaint too. (This man can't even acknowledge me. I have said hi to him and he ignores me. I have asked him about how to move a setting on a machine and he has replied with, "I'm not your trainer. No pay...no help.") I have seen him watching us in the mornings and I know he had something to do with this which makes me even more furious if that is at all possible. Based on his rudeness to me at the gym, I get the feeling that if I'm not working out with him he harbors ill will toward my future success. The ONLY time he has been somewhat nice to me is when he was working out with the owner of the gym and she and I were talking. I really don't want to use the word HATE, but I certainly do NOT understand him. He is supposed to be in the business of helping people. However, he is so full of himself that he doesn't have a clue what helping someone is about. As for the two others who have complained (I haven't figured them out yet), every person in there has their ear phones in (I'm sure partly to listen to the news, but more so to muffle the sound of the stuck up old geezer who sounds like a hog in it's slop when he chews that gum.) I cannot comprehend why one hour of us playing music while we work out would provoke them to complain. If we had on offensive music with nasty language that would be one thing, but we do not. We are three people who have found each other and are motivated to come to the gym and hit it. (In all fairness, we do have one fan. He has given us numerous compliments and words of encouragement.) For the first time in a long time, I have felt I was on the right path again. I hadn't steered off. I have been working out and striving to eat clean. However, this new accountability has really pumped me up. I had been wanting to do Tabata for a long time. I am discouraged that the corporate owners of my gym are so quick to cave to people and shut down my attempt to get healthier. It saddens me that these six people have so much power and that their sense of entitlement drives the policies and rules which are enforced. I work in an elementary school as a counselor. All day long I work with kids about conflict resolution. Today in teaching a lesson about bullying, I referred to these people at the gym. NEVER did any of them come to us and ask us to turn the music down. NEVER did any of them think "they are only here for an hour." My fifth graders were right. They are bullies. They want it to be their way. How differently would this have turned out if one of them would have come to us and said, "Hey, your music is really too loud. Could you turn it down a notch?" Did they ever stop to consider the repercussions? It never crossed their mind to consider our perspective or to ask if we would be willing to compromise by turning the music down. The gym is supposed to be a place where one goes to feel better. Unfortunately, I need to go in the mornings because of my schedule. I wish I didn't have to because it feels hostile. It feels them against me. I have enough work to do to reach my goals. Now I have to deal with this load of crap and these bullies who get the power. I'm not happy about this situation at all.

Wheat and Heroin...Same Bad Deal!

Today is day 7 of being wheat free. I did have wheat on Saturday and my tummy was NOT happy. The first three days went okay, but I did learn some things. When I wake up in the morning I want carbs. I don't mean in the form of fruit. I want peanut butter and toast, a protein bar, a donut, a bowl of cereal. I want carbs that include wheat. As a matter of fact, I can't even eat until I've been up for a couple of hours and I'm hungry enough that I am willing to eat the eggs I've prepared without vomiting. First thing, those eggs don't sound so good. On day 2, I was irritable. I knew it. I could feel it. I was having to watch every word that came out of my mouth for fear I would have a tone or say something I would regret. By Friday which was day 4, that symptom was starting to get less. While I wasn't shocked by this, I hadn't expected it either. I did go back into Wheat Belly and figure out a few things. When wheat is digested it is degraded to a mix of polypeptides. These polypeptides were isolated and administered to laboratory rats. It was discovered the polypeptides had the peculiar ability to penetrate the blood-brain barrier that separates the bloodstream from the brain. The brain is sensitive to the variety of substances that gain entry to the blood some of which can be very dangerous if they cross into your brain. However, once the polypeptides gain entry into the brain they bind to the brain's morphine receptor. Now you aren't going to EVEN believe this. Opiate drugs bind to the VERY SAME RECEPTOR!!!! When given the drug naloxone, the gluten effect on the brain is blocked. Are you confused? Okay...let me see if I can make this a bit easier to understand. A heroin addict goes to the nearest trauma ER because they have sustained a stab wound. Because the addict is high on heroin he fights the ER staff by trying to kick them and scream at them and use his hands to stop any help they try to give. The ER staff inject the Heroin addict with a drug called naloxone so the addict is instantly not high because the naloxone blocks the effect heroin has on the brain. Isn't that SCARY???? I find it scary and highly interesting at the same time. The same drug used to block the effects of heroin will, in fact, block the effects of wheat. Scary that something the FDA food pyramid, the American Diabetic Association, and the American Heart Association all say we should have servings of each day to maintain a healthy diet. My point in sharing this with you is that giving up wheat could cause withdrawal symptoms which is what I was experiencing early on in the week. I have now realized that the effect wheat has on me is very strong just based on the withdrawal symptoms. So today I was having a conversation with some ladies who said, "Wheat can't be bad for you. It's on the food pyramid and doctors tell you it's good for you." My reply: "THEY ARE LYING!" A huge part of me believes that in the case of the FDA, especially, a relationship exists with the agricultural industry. After all, agriculture is a huge part of our country's economy. The FDA can't just make a blanket statement that wheat should be eliminated or at least limited in most diets. I mean, for goodness sake, the agricultural industry has spent all of that time genetically modifying the wheat to keep up with our consumption. It really wouldn't be fair for the FDA to hurt the agricultural sector financially. (I REALLY HOPE YOU CAN HEAR THE SARCASM!) On another note: Last week at the gym my former trainer asked me when I was going to start working out with him again. Based on our last experience together I should have said, "The first day of Never." He was working with a client and asked me this in passing. I sent him a text. I told him that until I get this eating under control it will be a waste of his time and my money. I see him doing the same workouts with all of his clients. I can watch and know what I need to do. Today I saw him for the first time since I had sent the text. I asked him if he received it because I hadn't heard back from him. He said, "Yep. No reason for me to respond. You are the queen of making excuses is what I've decided. You've been telling me you were working on your diet for six months." He rolled his eyes and walked away. (I've had a pretty intense Monday. I forced myself to go to the gym. I really just wanted to come home and get in my pjs, but I forced myself to go because I knew I needed to work out.) I walked away from him wiping tears from my eyes as I sat on the leg press trying to get it together. It's amazing how good you can feel about yourself and one person can knock the wind right out of you with their words. I didn't do my full workout. I did enough, but was planning to do more. I walked out the door. On the way home I thought of all the things I wish I had said. (Isn't that always the case?) First, I considered finding another gym. Not kidding. I LOVE my gym, but this guy is a downer. Earlier this summer he asked me something about my workouts (this was right after my Grandpa had passed away) and I said, "I've had some stuff going on. I haven't hit it as hard as I had been." He said, "I can tell." I can't go into a gym where first I wouldn't hire the trainer even if I won the power ball and he was the ONLY available trainer. Not going to happen. And second, he's going to be making ridiculous rude comments to me without ever handing out a compliment. I don't know what he has against me, but he is a complete jerk. I'm not where I want to be. I have work to do. I know that. I don't need his negative attitude toward me. Most days I workout and there is no interaction between the two of us. So another thought I had was that I will just completely ignore him and if he does try to talk to him he can talk to the hand. Unfortunately, I think he's there to stay for a while. UGH! I really do like my gym so I'm not sure how this is going to work out. I'll figure it out I'm sure. I mean even my first trainer, the beloved Trainer Mike, came up to me after Turbo last Tuesday and complimented me on the intensity of my workout and my kicks. I was flying high. He took the time to do that. (Of course, he was the one that first sparked this working out fire...those things still mean a ton coming from him.) So another thought that I had on the way home tonight was to say to Brandon, I tell first graders...if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all. Maybe you should follow that advice. Alright, I think I'm done venting for now. If you have any suggestions I would love to hear them. bunchy2021@gmail.com

Fit Bit

I've been saving birthday and Christmas money for the past few years. Last weekend I took that money and purchased a Fit Bit. I was really interested in learning how many calories I burn a day and how many I consume a day. I've worn this little device for a week now and here is what I have learned: Given that you should never have more than a 1,000 calorie deficit when trying to lose weight, I am eating on average 500 too few calories a day. Some days it's more like 800 or 900. OOPS! This explains a lot! I've written before about the fact that I am typically scared of food and see it as evil. I've written all the way back at the beginning of this journey that Trainer Mike was saying, "Tammy I need you to eat. You have to eat for me okay?" Of course, I always said yes. And I would try to do better, but I didn't have the hard and fast numbers because I've also been told "Don't worry about calories. If you are eating six times a day and you are eating the foods I'm telling you to eat, the weight will come off." The weight hasn't been falling off. I've been plateaued for a while now. My experiment this week was to eat like I normally do and determine where the calories fell. Now that I know I can make changes. Food prep this weekend should be very interesting and fun. This week has been really busy. All of my workouts have happened in the morning with the exception of one. Yesterday I realized I was going to have to increase my time in the gym to get my miles in for the month. I was there 45 minutes earlier this morning so I could get those miles logged. Tomorrow is another day of strength followed by the final 7.6 miles I need to reach 100 for August. Of course, it's going to have to be early morning as well. While I dread getting out of bed and I hit the snooze several times, I get excited that I am accomplishing so much at the start of the day. I am also putting an increased level of intensity in my workouts. There is not a part of me that is not sore. You know how I feel about that...sore muscles = increased metabolism. I'm just going to have to get used to eating the calories that increased metabolism requires. I am making progress....it just feels really slow right now and that is discouraging. But when I look at pics I can really tell a difference. This pic was from July 2009

August 2009

In September 2011

In January 2013

In June 2013

While progress is being made, I'm confident I can increase it having this information about my deficit eating style. Time to make some changes. I'm about to begin a book that I'm going to read this weekend. Wheat Belly. Stay tuned...

My Wheat Connection

I've learned a lot in the past month about my connection with wheat. I can now say I am 85-90% wheat free and probably 80% grain free. I shared what happened when I eliminated grain and then binged with two donuts. After that day, I went grain free for 14 days. It was suggested by Michelle (I refer to Michelle as a friend and my nutrition coach, she was also the instructor of my bootcamp) that after being grain free we reintroduce grains one at a time to discover what the impact was on our body. Michelle's research has found that we have different reactions to grains which might impact food cravings. So after being grain free, I tried having a serving of corn on the cob. I found that corn has a mild impact on me. On a food craving scale of 1-10, with 10 being I have to have this right now or I'm going to harm someone and 1 being I could care less, corn might put me at a level 2 or 3. Wheat is a different story. When I eat wheat my food cravings might be an exponential 10. Here is an example: I had eaten clean all day last Friday. That evening my husband and I were having bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwiches for dinner. Previously, I have done bacon and tomato wrapped in lettuce to avoid the bread. Last week, I decided to have the bread to see what would happen. The rest of the evening I wanted food. I didn't want the fruit that was in the fridge. I wanted ice cream. I wanted it badly. My husband popped microwave popcorn. I wanted it too. The cravings were all consuming. Foods I don't normally think about would pop into my head. Chips and cheese dip, cake, brownies, ice cream, fried food. I was exhausted by the time I went to bed from the crazy cravings. This same phenomenon has happened each time I've had wheat. I now realize there is a connection. I should be receiving the book Wheat Belly in the mail next week. I need to know more. Knowledge is power...right? Thank You, Michelle for helping me learn about what wheat does to one's body. I can't wait to learn more. I've learned a few other things along the way. I'm pretty sure if I went to someone who deals with eating disorders I am somewhere on the spectrum. I am not concerned about it at this point because I have become aware of it and I am not going to give it any power. When eating grain free that was the only thing I was supposed to focus on. I was supposed to eat when I was hungry. The problem became that I could go 8 or 9 hours without becoming hungry. Then it was time for dinner and I was famished. I knew this couldn't be right. I also knew that if I felt a little hungry, I ignored it because food scares me. I don't trust it. If you ignore feeling a little hungry and you drink water you can overcome the feelings of hunger for a good while. As so frequently happens, I stepped into Sonya's office at my gym. It's almost like a confessional in there sometimes. I said, "Sonya, I think I have a problem." I explained my fear of food and the amount of time I went without eating. Being ever so wise, Sonya explained her eating schedule to me. Eat within the first hour of getting up and then every two to three hours throughout the day. Like a machine. Set an alarm on your phone to remind you. Quite truthfully, I will get so busy trying to get things done that I don't even think about eating. The alarm works well. My husband tried to find the ringtone of "Feed Me Seymour" but we never did find it. He thought it would be great for this alarm. Sonya told me that when she gets to work and it's time to eat her banana she is so excited that she gets to eat the banana. I found this a little odd and didn't think I would probably get excited about eating a banana. I mean I can get excited about a piece of cake or ice cream or cheeseburgers and fries, but a banana? Here is what I have learned since eating throughout the day: When the 10:00 alarm went off this morning I was soooo freaking excited to eat my banana! I actually feel hungry throughout the day. I am hungry when I wake up in the mornings. I am content with eating throughout the day. I feel as though my metabolism is higher because I'm actually feeling hungry and feeding my body. Thank You, Sonya! I have not been on the scales recently. I am focused on doing the right thing. I do think that I'm going to do a little "temperature check" next week. I'm going to write down everything I'm eating and the calories that go with it. I just want to see how many calories I'm consuming to know if I'm in the right range. I do not have intentions of becoming a calorie counter (unless I'm way off and then I might need to). I just need to figure out where I am.

TWO Donuts

Last week I went through a bootcamp regarding nutrition and emotional eating. The first day (4.5 hours) was about nutrition and fitness and the second day (4.5 hours) was about emotional eating. During the first day I learned a lot of new stuff. I was challenged to go 14 days grain free. The premise of this challenge is that eating grain, especially wheat, is really not so healthy and that anything processed has some form of grain in it. Grains are disguised by many different names in an ingredient list. Processed foods actually increase food cravings and have so many unhealthy things in them, they could be referred to as poison. Our instructor/coach challenged us to eat clean and give up grains and processed foods for 14 days to get all of this yuck out of our system. At the end of 14 days we will start trying out grains, with the exception of wheat, to see how our bodies react. Yesterday, my family had a garage sale at my parent's house about an hour away. I left my house at 4:30 in the morning. Of course since I am the one who drives right by Dunkin Donuts I offered to pick them up on my way. I packed my own food. The challenge started on Thursday and all the way to my parents I was thinking that it hadn't even been 72 hours and I already felt like I could tell a difference. I was so proud of myself for thinking ahead and packing both breakfast and lunch. Wouldn't you know that while we were experiencing a two hour rain delay (before we even started) and everyone was loving the donuts, I decided that just one wouldn't hurt. Have you ever eaten 1 donut and stopped when there were plenty more? No, me either. TWO donuts and 45 minutes later I felt so sick. I'm not talking emotionally. I'm talking physically. Like couldn't leave the bathroom kind of sick. Paired with the emotional guilt of not lasting longer than 72 hours before breaking my challenge, the physical pain was more than enough evidence for me to continue this experiment. By experiment I am talking about seeing what kind of physical effects I experience by not having grain in my diet. I've had several people share with me that they have eliminated wheat from their diet and could not believe the difference it made in the way they felt. Don't think there was not emotional pain that went along with the physical effects of my decision. At the end of the day, I was trying to decide if I was going to share this news with anyone or not. However, one of my goals (developed as a result of last week's bootcamp) is to be more active in my personal growth which includes this blog. (Keeping this blog is a form of accountability for me and I need to use it more to that advantage.)Hence, I decided to come clean and share. If the choice to eat TWO donuts was not so ridiculous, it might be comical. I mean seriously...I've spent the entire last week working on goals related to what I learned at my bootcamp. I was gung ho! I was enjoying the effects for a short while! I was so proud of myself! My instructor/coach had spent a long time talking about having no relationship with food and using it only as fuel. I had said one of the hardest obstacles for me is social situations. Of course, I'm a social butterfly so there are lots of those in my world. I had a plan to eat healthy. Yet, I had a talk with myself that went something like this..."You got up so early. You are with your family. You have done so good. This won't hurt that much and it will be easy to get back on track. Even Michelle said if you fall of the wagon get back on." I'm very convincing to myself. So I'm going to be practicing the following script: "You deserve to feel and be healthy. You are the one in control. You have the power not the food. Nothing ever tastes as good as being healthy feels." Yes! I'm going to practice that script so the next time I feel tempted I will already have the answer. I'm not down on myself today. I'm happy that I can be in charge. I'm also happy that I can share all of this with you! By sharing my decision to go grain free for 14 days, I am not implying everyone should do it. This is a new trail on my journey. I'll let you know what I encounter! If you want to read more about the effects of wheat, take a look at this article: http://www.realfarmacy.com/why-80-of-people-worldwide-will-soon-stop-eating-wheat/ And if you want to know more about my amazing instructor/coach...check her out on FB at Bikini Mindest https://www.facebook.com/bikinimindset

Losing Grandpa

This post is not so much about weight loss. However, it is about a difficult part of life's journey. If you want to skip to my exercise and eating it's at the last paragraph. My grandpa has been in Hospice House for the past five weeks. Until seven weeks ago when he fell and broke his foot, he was completely independent and still driving. Most would have never guessed he was a 90 year old man with bone cancer. Last spring he had undergone chemo for the bone cancer and after one treatment which nearly killed him, he made the choice to forgo anymore treatment. Hospice started coming to his apartment to check his vitals and make sure everything was going okay. This past November, Hospice said there was no reason for them to continue coming. Week after week he was fine. He was sleeping more and experiencing more pain, but not declining at the rate the doctors had originally anticipated. Until seven weeks ago, Grandpa was doing what he loved. He was visiting with people in his senior apartment complex, visiting with other friends around the area, and making new friends on a regular basis. To say it is difficult to go and see him at Hospice House, is the understatement of the century. Three weeks ago today when we were visiting it seemed he knew who we were. This was the first time since his stay that I felt he recognized me. Most of the time, he has a vacant look in his eyes. After the first week, I was overwhelmed with wanting to know what he was thinking. Now it is my prayer that he is oblivious to what is going on. It is obvious he is in pain because of the look on his face, the moaning, or the restlessness. However, he often refuses pain medication. Many of us are wondering if he experienced a stroke or if the cancer has spread to his brain. At this stage of the process, further testing would not be beneficial. It might answer questions, but the treatment would still be the same. Keeping Grandpa as comfortable as possible is the goal now. A couple of weeks ago I went to see him and I asked him if he was hungry. It takes him a long time to answer any questions. I waited and he said he was. The nurse went and got pudding. She told me he couldn't feed himself because he didn't have the coordination down. So there I was feeding Grandpa with a spoon. The irony of this was not lost on me, especially when my parents walked in, and my eyes filled with tears. This man of strength beyond what is typically found in others, this man who fed and nurtured me, now I was feeding him. My eyes still fill with tears when I think about that moment even though I have fed Grandpa several times since then. A man of strength. The first time Grandpa left home as a young man was to serve in the Army. He served in Germany in World War II. For a period of about six months, I spent a couple of Sundays each month interviewing Grandpa and Grandma about this period of their lives. I have the experiences written down. There were somethings that were too painful to speak of, somethings that were funny, but scary sums up a lot of what he went through. While Grandpa was in Germany, Grandma gave birth to their first son, Gary. He wasn't well and died before Grandpa was able to see him. At the end of 2008 (December 29th) we lost Grandma after a long battle of illnesses. She had spent ten years as an invalid with her beloved taking care of her night and day. Grandpa never complained. Not one time. So Grandpa could go to his sister's funeral, I went and spent a day taking care of Grandma. Grandpa was reluctant at first, but then decided he would really like to go to the funeral. Among all of her many illnesses, the dementia was the most overpowering for caretakers. She might know you one minute and then ask who you were the next. She would repeat herself numerous times. I'm not going to lie. It wasn't easy to take care of her. It was emotionally draining. Toward the end, she tried to escape the house a couple of times as she was trying to get back "home". The best we can figure is that she wanted to go back to her childhood home. During those times, Grandpa had to call Dad for help to get her calmed down. On Christmas Eve of 2008 all of her kids, grandkids, and great grandkids were with her except my sister and I. She wasn't eating and barely drinking. I often feel pain at missing that Christmas Eve, but Sandy and I went on the 28th. Still she wasn't eating or drinking. As we were talking with Grandpa, Grandma sat straight up in her chair and said, "Did you hear that beautiful music?" Grandpa said, "It's almost time for her suffering to be done here." Later that night he prayed that God would end her suffering here. The next morning she died in his arms. He said, "She was as beautiful to me this morning as she was the first day I met her." The thing that you have to understand is that Grandpa NEVER and I mean NEVER complained about taking care of Grandma. His gentle and compassionate nature were true to her just like they were to every other aspect of his life. Grandpa couldn't leave the house for the last few years Grandma was alive unless someone came to sit with her. Then he would run to the store or doctor do what he needed to do and come right back so as not to burden the other person. Grandma died at the end of 2008. In 2009, my uncle was diagnosed with lung cancer which then spread this his bones and eventually his brain. We lost Uncle Homer in July of 2010. Again, Grandpa set an example for all of us with his strength. I'm not saying it was easy for him. This was the second child he had buried. The mental strength shown by Grandpa during this time is not commonly found among others. At least, I haven't found it. A Man of Faith. My Grandpa wasn't saved until he was a young adult. Once he was, he walked the walk AND he talked the talk. Grandpa often said, "You never know if that one conversation you are having with someone might be the spark that leads them to Christ." Grandpa wasn't in your face about it. It was just who he was. If the opportunity came up for him to share part of his testimony, he would share it. After Grandma passed, and Grandpa could get out more, my dad and my aunts had to put rules in place. He would be out visiting for hours and no one knew where he was. They had to put safety rules in place so they could keep tabs on him. Grandpa started going back to church immediately after Grandma passed. He visited a couple of places, but ended up back at his home church The Gardner Friends Church. It was in this church, that my religious foundation was nurtured as we were young children. Sunday dinners with my extended family were always started with my Grandpa saying "Dear Heavenly Father..." Those prayers weren't limited to the big dining room table. They also weren't limited to thanks for a meal. They occurred anywhere and at anytime. My Grandpa's Bible is never far from his side. Even now, it is on the table next to his bed. He has written some of his favorite Bible verses on note cards and had them duct taped to the walls in his apartment. He was always studying God's word. ALWAYS. I will never forget a conversation we had a few years ago. He had went to get a tire fixed. His normal tire guy wasn't available so he went to a new location. The people overcharged him in an outlandish way. He said to me, "I felt so angry when I realized what had happened." He then went on to quote scripture as to how wrong it was for him to be so angry about this. He talked to me about how he had prayed for God to forgive him for being that mad. I was thinking..."Oh dear. Grandpa is upset with himself about being angry over a legitimate reason...I've got a lot of work to do because I can get angry over much less than that." Grandpa doesn't complain. When I mentioned earlier that there has been moaning which lets us know he is in pain, that moaning is when he is asleep. He wouldn't do it if he were aware. That's not Grandpa. I have never heard him speak a negative word about anyone. He has gone through life in a way that most would find unsatisfactory. Until two years ago, Grandpa didn't live in a place that had central air or heat. There was no hot water heater. I still remember being a teenager when the water line was actually attached to the house so he didn't have to go get water. He has never owned a new car. The car we has most recently been driving has holes in the floorboards. I once told Grandpa if I won the powerball I was going to buy him a new car. He very politely told me it wasn't necessary. Grandpa wasn't impressed by material things. As a matter of fact, it's safe to say material things meant very little to him. Grandpa was driven by his Faith and Love. He loved God, his family, and friends. He never met a stranger...just a friend he hadn't met yet. I've met some Christians who become angry at God when life gets stressful or even say things like "God must not be listening." That is so far outside of my reality and my fundamental beliefs. And my reality and my fundamental beliefs were shaped by Grandpa who never ever ever doubted God. He spent every moment serving God and thanking him. When he reached a challenging part of life, he read more in the Bible and prayed. Today, Father's Day...I thought it would be difficult and I was right. My sister and I certainly wanted to do something special for our dad, but our thoughts are consumed with wanting to spend time with Grandpa and honoring that Dad wants to be there. Grandpa was unresponsive today. He had a very restless night last night. He received pain meds at about 11:30 this morning. When we arrived and I walked over to his bed Dad said, "See if you can get that smile." Even though he can't say much, I can usually get a smile. There wasn't a smile today. At 4:00 when we left he still hadn't fallen asleep. It was obvious he was fighting the sleep. The room was full of family today. We shared some laughs. A family friend prayed over Grandpa and asked God to bless him with continued peace and comfort. That has been my prayer as well. Just praying that the pain isn't too bad and that Grandpa doesn't know what's going on. Praying that the rest of us will continue to have strength. My sister and brother in law, mom and dad, and my husband and I did go down the road to a nice restaurant where we could do something for Father's Day to let our Dad know how much he means to us and try to give him a smile or two. I cry easily now. I know that Grandpa is going to Heaven and will get to be with the God he has spent his life serving. I know he will be so happy. I know there will be no more pain. We have had conversations about what it will like to be there. I also know he will be with those that have gone before him. But the two things that have me now are 1) I want one more conversation with him...just one more... and 2) For his sake, this suffering must end soon. If you've read this far, and you do pray...our family would appreciate those prayers. I am working out. I'm able to alleviate a lot of emotion that way. The eating...most of the time I don't have an appetite. Last night and tonight I overate because I hadn't eaten the entire day until that evening meal. Yep. I know this isn't healthy. I know my body doesn't appreciate it. I'm doing what I can right now. If you have any tips, please message me. I would love to hear them.