For Where There is FURY, WRATH is Likely

You know I haven't been blogging as much because I'm working every spare minute to finish my dissertation. However, a few things have occurred in the last 48 hours of which I must blog. First, I had taken two days off from the gym and last night decided to run a mile. I ran my best time and decided to go on for two miles. When I ran those two miles in under thirty minutes I slowed down to a brisk walk. I had taken a picture of the screen and sent it to my husband, my friend Sonya, and my first trainer. I said to my first trainer, "Did you ever even imagine this could happen?" He replied, "I did. I always did." AWWWWWW! The connection I had with Mike in this journey still exists. He believed in me before I ever had an inkling of what lied inside. He still does. Mike, I appreciate you more than words. In true Forest Gump mode, I thought I'm going to keep running. I ran three miles in under 43 minutes. I have NEVER done that before. My friend Belinda was on the stepper next to me. I had tears in my eyes. I couldn't believe what I had just done. It was a milestone. You might also note that it is a milestone that I am sharing with you what my actual times are. I have kept my times to myself because running has continually been a struggle for me. Remember the days when I wouldn't run a mile at all? When I couldn't run 5 minutes without feeling as though I was going to die? As such, I compete with myself. I don't compete with others on this journey. This is a me thing. I know there are many out there running way faster than Bunchy. I'm happy for you. I just don't want to set myself up for failure by getting caught up in trying to run faster than someone else. I don't know if this makes sense, but I have to get completely comfortable with myself as a runner. I've been working on this for two years. Not intensely, obviously. However, this month I've been using a 1 mile run as a warm up. This morning I had to go to the doctor for a follow up appointment. There was Brenda at the front desk. She said, "Your hair? What are you trying to be a model?" This resulted in a big smile from me. I told her about my friend Miah who had noticed my hair just the day before and said, "First it's the skinny walk and then it's the hair. Look at her. Look at her." Then the Dr comes in the room and says "You absolutely glow. I've never seen you healthier than in these last few months. He went over all of my numbers from my recent blood work and told me how impressed he was. He went on to say that he had been sharing my story with a couple of other patients who were struggling with their weight. He needs them to talk with me because he knows I can talk about how difficult the journey has been, but how rewarding at the same time. We agreed that I need to finish the dissertation first and then I will ABSOLUTELY help these people. For if I can help one person, just one find the happiness and health I have found then it's all worth it. Now to the fury... Tonight at the gym I decided to run a mile for a warm up. I wasn't trying to beat my time. I just wanted to run a mile. This really good song came on my playlist and I increased the speed on the treadmill. Before I knew it, I had done a 12:30 mile. Now Readers, I'm not sure what moves were coming out of my body at that point. There was jumping, dancing, tears streaming down my face. My friend Belinda was there. I immediately went to her and showed her my time. She said "You are such an inspiration." (She's as much an inspiration to me as she claims I am to her.) Then I ran out of the gym to call my mom. When I was back inside and talking to Belinda for a minute my trainer had finished with his client. I was still doing the happy dance and saying things like "I can't believe I just did that." Brandon gives me a look. I said "I just ran my fastest mile. I did it Brandon. I did it." He rolled his eyes. Belinda said,"Does he have an excitement button?" Brandon said, "She hasn't found it yet." Then he asked me what my heart rate was. It was in the 160's. So I thought I would tell him how proud my doctor is of me and how he wants me to speak with a few others who are struggling and Brandon rolled his eyes again. He never smiled, he never said Good Job. After he rolled his eyes the second time he left. I looked at Belinda and said, "Did that just happen?" She said it did. I said, "Am I overreacting?" She said "Oh no. I can't believe the way he just treated you." I'm fuming. I pay this man a lot of money. Not just to help me in my fitness journey, but to celebrate. Over the last few weeks, I've realized there has been little celebrating with Brandon. Even Jillian celebrates with her clients on Biggest Loser. And she's the meanie! I didn't make it to my session with Brandon on Saturday. We were supposed to measure so now we are doing that tomorrow. We then have two more workout sessions. After the measurements, I will be letting Brandon know that those next two sessions are not necessary. I want my results so far though which is the only reason I'm meeting him tomorrow. That is the wrath. I'm going to let him know that I was in tears with a friend on the phone after I finished my workout because not only did he do nothing to celebrate my accomplishment, he actually took away from it with his cynical look and attitude. Hopefully, he will accept responsibility for his actions and he won't have to see the wrath. In reality, he made me feel like I was a nobody and why would I get so excited about running? There are choice words that describe he and his attitude! As far as I am concerned, he can hit the road!!!

Fatigued and Fragile

I want to share something that I've learned from training and experience. I'm writing it as much for myself as you. I work as an elementary school counselor. When I was working on my degree, we had many instructors warn us about compassion fatigue. This is something that happens when you put a lot of time and energy into caring for the well being of others. Typically, we are quick to forget about our own mental health. It doesn't just happen to those of us who work in mental health. It can happen to anyone. Those who work in emergency services, first responders, parents, someone caring for someone who is sick, many many circumstances lend themselves to a caregiver experiencing compassion fatigue. It also happens when "life" deals you unexpected deaths, tragedies, sickness or other stressful situations. Any one even on their own might be difficult, but when they start to pile up, it is extremely hard to not let it get to you. You might know you're not handling things well when you can't sleep, lose motivation, have a change in appetite, feel down, or are irritable. Without doing something, compassion fatigue can quickly turn to depression. Often, it feels if one more thing happens you are going to break. My own situation is one where we have been working a series of tragic deaths at my school. While I have not lost a family member (we did lose a friend last week), assisting families and friends in times of these tragedies can be draining. When you add to that the every day challenges of being a counselor, it can often feel overwhelming. I am blessed with a strong support system. (I appreciate each and everyone one of you so much.) First, my husband and my mom are great supporters. They have both been checking in with me. Today I have received phone calls, emails, and texts from friends and family making sure I was okay. I have had friends email and offer to take some things off of my plate. I have had several colleagues call and ask me what I'm doing to take care of myself. When they do this, I am forced to remember that I must take care of myself. If we neglect to take care of our own needs, we are unable to care for others. With my new lifestyle, my "go to" release is the gym. Stress makes me want to get there even more than normal. There are other things that can be done to relieve stress too. Things that we often take for granted. One of the easiest things to do is to unplug. Turn the cell phone off, step away from the computer. I will be doing this in just a few minutes actually. I will take a hot bath and then lay in bed and either watch tv or read a book. I will not do anything related to work or my doctoral studies. You might think this is a no brainer. You might say "There's no way I could do that. I have too much to do." So do I. There is a to do list that keeps growing and growing to the point I want to cry because I have no idea how I'm going to get it done. At this point, I have to stop and make my own well being a priority. Tonight at the gym I was able to laugh with some friends. Laughter is ALWAYS good medicine. I am getting much better at identifying when I need to take care of me. I also understand it's not selfish. Some might see it that way. They might get their feelings hurt when I tell them no. It doesn't mean I don't care. It just means that right now I'm fragile and in order to keep from breaking, I have to pause and do some maintenance. "Bunchy? Have you lost your mind? What does this have to do with weight loss?" Everything, Friends. Everything. You are only able to take care of yourself physically, when you are taking care of yourself mentally too. They go hand in hand. “Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being, and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.”~unknown A final thank you to my support system...Thank You for knowing me better than I know myself sometimes. Each of you has been a breath of fresh air to me during these challenges.

Underlying Issues

You might remember I had an issue this summer at the gym when my workout pants fell off. I've since replaced my pants both for working out and working. Evidently, I need to start replacing underwear too. As my underwear has become too big, I've thrown it out. Replacing it bit by bit. Evidently, I need to pay more attention to these articles. The first problem came in December at our staff Christmas party. I was playing a Dance game with the Wii. As I'm dancing and trying VERY hard to beat my friend Amber which is EXTREMELY difficult because of her experience and skill, my underwear started to slide down my butt. We were in a family room and a lot of people were behind us. I found myself in an awkward situation. I couldn't just dig around and pull it back up. I was at the center of the room. All eyes were on Amber and I or shall I say..our butts! As soon as our song was over, I casually sat down on the couch. Have you ever had your underwear fall below your butt cheeks? The one reassurance is that as long as you are wearing pants it can't go any further. A mistake was made when I told my friend Lisa about my circumstance. She found it humorous and even more so to try and grab them while saying, "Your panties have fallen! Your panties have fallen!" and laughing hysterically. Finally, I could stand it no longer. I went to the restroom and shoved them into the pocket of my pants. Waiting for an excuse to go to our truck, seemed like an eternity. I was sure someone was going to ask what was in my pocket. Maybe no one noticed, to me it felt like I had shoved a small animal in there. I finally made my exit and hid the underwear in the truck. The saying "Put on your big girl panties and deal with it" is all well and fine until your big girl panties are too big! Most would think I would look for any similar underwear and discard them before having a repeat performance. I was pretty sure I had, but I've lost another size since December. This week I was at the gym. Interval training on the stepper in a crowded gym when the uncomfortable panty slide started. I'm not sure if anyone was looking. If I had been recorded and we went back and watched the video, viewers would notice me slow down while trying to shift my hips. Not sure what I was thinking. Maybe the right move would catch them and bring them back to the correct position. No such luck. The viewer would then notice an increase in my speed. For goodness sake, if moving faster will help get them under the cheeks then let's just be done with it already! I was grateful the workout pants I had on didn't reveal the mishap. I hope you all find this as funny as I do and I also hope if you are on a weight loss journey, you will enjoy a similar experience. As uncomfortable as it was at the time, I NEVER imagined when this journey began that MY PANTIES WOULD FALL OFF!!!

HELLthy Screenings

Yes, there is more to say about these HELLthy screenings. It has gone from frustrating to absurd. I knew when I went my numbers would classify me as obese. After all, one only need be 25 pounds overweight to be considered obese. My frustration was not with the classification it was with the attitude of the person going over my results. So that was frustrating. It has become a point of laughter this week in our building. Below are some pics of friends of mine. They have given me permission to post their pics in my blog. After reading about my experience the other night, they have shared their experience with me. So... My friend who is a fitness trainer was warned her numbers are EXTREMELY dangerous...

Several other friends were told their numbers are not acceptable...

A couple were so upset by the news that they turned to chocolate to help with the stress...

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? The irony is that some who went for their screenings and expected to be reprimanded because they know they have work to do were not lectured at all. Alas, the most frustrating part of these HELLthy Screenings have been the lack of consistency, compassion, and encouragement. Obviously, these screeners are NOT into motivation.

The HELLth Screening

This morning was my morning to go have my hellth screening for my insurance at work. A prick of the finger to check cholesterol, a trip on the scales, a height measurement, blood pressure reading, body fat test, and a 100 questions on a computer. After which, a person with not one ounce of health knowledge meets with you to go over your scores. So the guy I met with said "According to this (points to his iPad which has a red mark next to a couple of things)you are obese. You really need to work on losing weight." I didn't comment. I just looked at him. I had prepared myself. I knew this was coming. I was just waiting to be dismissed so I could get to work. He then said, "You don't seem very concerned." I shrugged, "I'm not." "You need to be. This is serious." "I know it's serious." "We could have a life coach call you and go over some strategies." "I'll be fine. That's not necessary." "You need to take this seriously." "I do take it seriously." "It doesn't appear that way." At this point I felt it was necessary to take a different approach. "I take it serious enough that I've lost 65 pounds. I have done it through sweat and tears. I haven't used a gimmick. I haven't used a drug. I've lost it the old fashioned way with diet and exercise. I go to the gym 6-7 days a week. I average 100 miles a month. I strength train 5 times a week. I work with a trainer." AND THEN HE SAYS... "This is my part time job. I'm a trainer on the side." People...if only I had taken a pic. You would understand why this was so humorous to me. However, I maintained my composure and didn't laugh in his face. "What exactly do you do for cardio? Are you getting your heart rate up?" Chuckling, "I know my target heart rate. I get it up and keep it up. I came here because I have to in order to keep my insurance premium 30.00 lower. You are not a doctor. You are not MY trainer. You know NOTHING about me. If I had brought pictures in of where I started and my statistics, it still wouldn't be good enough. You measured my body fat with a caliper. There is no evidence that those things are even accurate. It is much more effective to do a skin fold test. The weight you are telling me I should weigh is 40 pounds lower than what my doctor says I should weigh. I realize this is a job for you. However, YOU don't get to tell me I'm not taking weight loss serious enough because YOU don't know me." He opened the curtain and told me to have a good day.I never raised my voice. I was completely polite the entire time. I even smiled. As I was sharing this story with a co worker she said, "You know it's a good thing you are as strong as you are mentally. There are other people that would have been knocked back by that. Words like that would have made them give up." She's right. I'm not going to lose sleep about it. After writing this, I probably won't give it much more thought. It would have knocked the old me out of the game. That's what infuriates me. There are so many people who need support and a conversation like that is not supportive. My friend Sonya was livid. I think if she could have found the guy it would not have been pleasant for him. My trainer and I talked tonight and he said that by their standards he is obese too (if you saw him, you would know there is not an ounce of fat on him ANYWHERE). As I've said before, there are people out there weighing way less than me. They don't work out. They don't watch what they eat. It's not about a number. Yes. Yes. Yes. I still have weight to lose. I'm not going to dispute that. I'm going to get there. I've come a long way. The deal is...no matter what the number on the scale or the BMI or whatever...we should all be working on making choices which lead to a healthier lifestyle.

The Number on the Scale is After All Just a Number

Everyone says the number on the scale doesn't matter. If you've been reading a while, you know I've struggled with this. Yes, the scale has gone down 65 pounds. No, I'm not done. No it's not coming off fast enough. With about 40 more pounds to go, I have once again hit a plateau. In December my scales broke. I'm trying very hard to not replace them. My trainer reminded me there is a scale at the gym for my use and I don't need them here. Since we've returned to work from winter break, I've had many people compliment on how much thinner I'm looking. I've said thank you while the dialogue in my head goes something like this, "Shoo...I can't look slimmer because the scale isn't going down. Glad I'm faking people out." The rational part of me realizes this is ridiculous. I've been working out hard. My clothes continue to get looser. The other part of me is tied to the number on the scale. I've had this pair of khakis that have been too big for a while. I put them on this week and questioned whether or not to even wear them to work. I was in a khaki mood. They were big. They were comfy. Or not. After I got to work, I realized they were so big that I had to hold them up. Thank God I didn't have to run and chase a student that day. I don't think I could have kept them up. Several people made comments on that day about how necessary it was to retire those pants. I share the khaki story in prep for what happened last night. I am too cheap to go and pay full price for pants that are going to be too big in a few weeks (hopefully). Last night I left work and stopped at a thrift shop several co workers go to. One co worker happened to be there. I found a pair of khakis in my current size. While we were looking at other pants in hopes of finding a great bargain, Stacey asked me what size I was in. I told her and she promptly found a pair of pants one size smaller than what I had said. She said, you can wear these. I argued. No I can't. I'm not there yet. Yep. Bunchy ended up eating a mouthful of crow. They fit. Really nicely I might add. I wouldn't say I'm solidly in that smaller size yet, but I'm closing in on it. That's ten pant sizes since the journey began. TEN!!! I guess the point of this blog is to add evidence to the argument against basing success on the number on the scale. The scale has no idea that I can lift more than ever before, my cardio endurance is triple of when I started, and all of the other successes I am enjoying because of my hard work. The scale is after all just a number. With that being said, my trainer has devised a "diet" plan for me to get rid of some fat. We are hoping it will come off pretty quickly. It's called carb cycling. Three days a week I will only have a carb with breakfast. The other four days I have a carb with breakfast and another before 3:00. The plan starts in the morning. Veges don't count as carbs. I throw this in because I know there are some extreme plans where one can't have veges. I'll keep you posted on how this goes.

Resolutions vs. Commitments

Really? Really? It's been since October 29th that I've posted on here. OOPS! I have decided that I must post at least one blog per week this year. Time permitting, I will post more. I want to write today about the difference between a New Year's Resolution and a commitment. I've been doing some research about effective goal setting. According to Wikipedia a commitment is: "Commitment means to duty or pledge to some thing or someone, and can refer to: Personal commitment, interaction dominated by obligations. These obligations may be mutual, or self-imposed, or explicitly stated, or may not. Distinction is often made between commitment as a member of an organisation (such as a sporting team, a religion, or as an employee). A personal commitment is a pledge or promise to ones' self for personal growth." While a New Year's Resolution is: " A New Year's Resolution is a commitment that an individual makes to a project or a habit, often a lifestyle change that is generally interpreted as advantageous. The name comes from the fact that these commitments normally go into effect on New Year's Day and remain until fulfilled." According to the dictionary: "RESOLUTION > Noun. (1) a firm decision to do or not to do something: she kept her resolution not to see Anne any more ¦ a New Year's resolution." "COMMITMENT > (1) the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause or activity: the company's commitment to quality ¦ I could not fault my players for commitment." Some might say the difference between the two is splitting hairs. For me, there is a difference bigger than a hair. For years, I was ready to start my new weight loss plan on New Years. Since I had failed and was still overweight at Thanksgiving of X year, I would get through the holidays and come the first of the year I would make my resolution to lose weight. I was determined. I was going to get the weight off once and for all. Sometimes my resolution involved a certain exercise plan or sometimes it involved a specific diet such as Weight Watchers. One year I remember doing something Dr. Phil had prescribed. I bought a book and spent Christmas break reading it so I was ready on the 1st. However, since 2010 I have been committed to getting fit and healthy. As a result, I have lost a significant amount of weight and gained a lot of self confidence. Guess what? That commitment did not start in January. I think that I had joined a Biggest Loser contest at work and was trying once again to eat healthy. Actually, I was going through the motions of weighing in every week. Sometimes I lost, more often than not I gained or stayed the same. Frustration grew. Even bitterness toward those who were being really successful. For me the commitment started in May of 2010 when I first started working with Trainer Mike. Again, the difference between making a resolution and making a commitment. A resolution is “the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc.” In contrast, a commitment is defined as “a pledge or promise; obligation.” For me, the difference between the two is where the personal responsibility lies. A resolution says what one intends to do. A commitment contains more emotional responsibility because one is making a "promise" to achieve a goal. When I make a promise, I keep it because my integrity is on the line. When I am committed to something, I do what it takes to make it happen. As I've been conducting interviews for my dissertation which examines the new Missouri Teacher Evaluation Model, I have found that one of the areas on which teachers are evaluated is commitment. This might include something as basic as having the right certification and credentials. In reality, it includes far more. Things that are looked at are what a teacher does as far as professional growth, their commitment to their students, commitment to their organization, and commitment to the craft of teaching in general. Many businesses have evaluated employee commitment for a long time. As professionals, many of us are committed to our careers. A resolution, then, might be a goal one sets and one might even take steps toward reaching that goal. In my opinion the reason why so often we aren't successful with our resolutions is because they are the first thing to go when the New Year wears off and life sets in. You know life? Professional obligations, family obligations, stress...Yep when those things get in the way we let our resolutions go. If we are committed to something we are more likely to hold onto it. Experts say we often self sabotage by getting to ambitious and setting too many goals. I have made a few commitments this year which I posted on my FB page. My number 1 commitment which comes before anything else is my commitment to my fitness journey. Therefore, I am committed to lose the final 40. There are many action steps that go with this. I have to get to the gym every day. I have to make the right food choices. I need to get enough sleep. I have to take my vitamins. You get it. I do all of these action steps because I am committed to my fitness journey. As we begin the new year make sure you examine what you are setting yourself up for. Are you making a resolution because it's the thing to do? Or are you making a commitment for which you will set action steps and follow through? I'm just Bunchy. I am only speaking from my experience. If you have set resolutions in the past and been successful, CARRY ON!!! FYI: Two other commitments I have made this year. 1) Keep up on my Bunchy Beats The Bulge FB page and 2) Be a more frequent blogger. If you need help getting going, let me know. I'll help if I can. :)