I went into a third grade classroom today to teach my first lesson of the year. Arranged all of the students in a circle on the floor, had just drawn a breath to speak when I noticed little Logan bouncing up and down with his hand in the air. As any educator would be, I was fully prepared to tell him he could go to the bathroom. "Yes, Logan, what do you need?" "All I can say is WHOA! That trainer must have made you work hard this summer. You look beautiful." With a tear in my eye I replied, "Oooohhh! How nice of you to notice." Another little guy said, "Your trainer didn't let you take a summer vacation?" "Nope! Michael doesn't believe in summer vacation." Anyway, this little kid has me wrapped now. I mean seriously!
I am motivated by words of affirmation. It is my love language. I haven't read the book, only skimmed it, but it's true. Give me a compliment and I will soar. I will work harder and go the extra mile. I will think about the compliment and remember it for years to come. It doesn't matter if the compliment comes from an eight year old, senior citizen or anyone in between, it's a natural high for me in situations which are otherwise challenging or stressful.
I don't think I've written yet...and if I have you can read it again I guess. As of two weeks ago, I was down 16.5 inches. WOOT HOOT! Unbelievable. I put on a skirt this week that was a little snug last spring. It has a zipper down the side. Who needs a zipper? I pulled it up without any unzipping. The only thing holding that thing on was some inches around the hips. I wore it and prayed I wouldn't get into a situation where a student would pull on it and say, "TEACHER!" If that had happened we wouldn't have been singing pants on the ground...we'd have sung skirt on the ground, skirt on the ground...
While I'm in the mood to blog let me just share another little sumpin...
Tonight at the gym another trainer took her client out to the parking lot where they were running laps together. It's a little hot out for that sort of thing if you ask me, but no one asked me. There is this GINORMOUS hill between the gym and the car lot next door. Several times Michael has mentioned he needed to get permission to use the hill so we could lunge it. I should have understood he was not kidding. Tonight this trainer had her person out there climbing the hill. I prayed, "Dear God, please please don't let Michael drive by and see this." Later, in a text message I found out Michael had seen it and official permission for use of the hill exists. In case you don't know this about me, I tend to be very smart aleck. As a matter of fact, my smart aleck nature has increased recently. It's a natural thing that I don't even think about. Yep, you know why I'm explaining this...because AFTER Michael told me we had permission to use the hill and he had seen the exercises being done I made a VERY smart aleck comment to him. VERY! I'm sore already just thinkin about it.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
The Intimidator
I can't promise this will be the only time I write about being intimidated cuz lots of things intimidate this girl. Tonight I was at the gym and did cardio for thirty minutes trying to forget the stress of this day. Okay maybe this week. Let me digress from the workout for a moment and fill you in on my stressors.
I'm a school counselor. Last year I had 7 students lose a parent from five different families. It was draining. Additionally, we had several families with students who lost grandparents. I was also aware that my uncle could die at any time. He did die this summer. Last Friday a dad with five kids died of a brain anyeurism. He was a stay at home dad and volunteered at our school all of the time. No matter how hard I try to build a barrier between me and my feelings regarding death it is looming. It drains me emotionally and then I become stressed. Okay...moving back to the workout...
Finished my thirty minutes on the elliptical, ticked off the whole time because I need to be running on the treadmill, but my foot isn't quite there yet. EEEERRRR! Oh the stupidity of being Tammy. Anyway, as I was wiping the elliptical down I caught a glimpse of this woman I had never seen before. I had to do some self talk "Tammy, it would be rude if you stare." So I went to do abs and put myself in a position where I was looking at her. The only words I know to use for this woman are that she is built. And the men in the gym knew it too. Never once has someone offered to help me when I am using free weights. These men were all about making sure she had what she needed.
I'm referring to this hard body woman as an intimidator because she is to me. I would not set foot over in the free weights because she was over there. I've been making progress, but now in my head it isn't enough progress because I don't look like her. As a matter of fact she was probably thinking...honey, you've got a long way to go. The counselor in me realizes this is probably not rational thinking, but I can't help it. I've always been intimidated by women who have their fitness groove on and attract every male eye within a 50 mile radius.
I guess it gives me more motivation to work harder. Michael and I haven't met since Saturday morning and I wasn't on my A game because of my foot. Don't think for a second he didn't challenge me...he doesn't know how not to challenge me. But because I couldn't give it my all I feel like it wasn't a real workout. That combined with the death of the parent at our school and starting a new job have me feeling grouchy and irritable. I can't shake it. I want to be at the gym now because I never feel like I do enough.
I'm a school counselor. Last year I had 7 students lose a parent from five different families. It was draining. Additionally, we had several families with students who lost grandparents. I was also aware that my uncle could die at any time. He did die this summer. Last Friday a dad with five kids died of a brain anyeurism. He was a stay at home dad and volunteered at our school all of the time. No matter how hard I try to build a barrier between me and my feelings regarding death it is looming. It drains me emotionally and then I become stressed. Okay...moving back to the workout...
Finished my thirty minutes on the elliptical, ticked off the whole time because I need to be running on the treadmill, but my foot isn't quite there yet. EEEERRRR! Oh the stupidity of being Tammy. Anyway, as I was wiping the elliptical down I caught a glimpse of this woman I had never seen before. I had to do some self talk "Tammy, it would be rude if you stare." So I went to do abs and put myself in a position where I was looking at her. The only words I know to use for this woman are that she is built. And the men in the gym knew it too. Never once has someone offered to help me when I am using free weights. These men were all about making sure she had what she needed.
I'm referring to this hard body woman as an intimidator because she is to me. I would not set foot over in the free weights because she was over there. I've been making progress, but now in my head it isn't enough progress because I don't look like her. As a matter of fact she was probably thinking...honey, you've got a long way to go. The counselor in me realizes this is probably not rational thinking, but I can't help it. I've always been intimidated by women who have their fitness groove on and attract every male eye within a 50 mile radius.
I guess it gives me more motivation to work harder. Michael and I haven't met since Saturday morning and I wasn't on my A game because of my foot. Don't think for a second he didn't challenge me...he doesn't know how not to challenge me. But because I couldn't give it my all I feel like it wasn't a real workout. That combined with the death of the parent at our school and starting a new job have me feeling grouchy and irritable. I can't shake it. I want to be at the gym now because I never feel like I do enough.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
You've Got The Look
Several times my trainer has said he would like to video tape my facial expressions during a workout. I try not to look at myself in the mirror, but according to him I say a lot with just expression. Monday was my first day back at work and I scheduled a 9:00 p.m. session. This is normally when I curl up in bed with the t.v., at least one cat, and a book. I was tired. However, in case you haven't figured it out, I'm dedicated to this journey. Trainer Michael had been on a road trip during the day and had plenty of time to plot out the session. It should not have surprised me that he decided to add himself to the weights I was lifting for a little extra nor should I have been surprised when he decided to have me do this exercise on a machine that is not on the diagram for how to use the machine. There were others working out and this guy said, "You're gonna kill her." Michael had some smart aleck reply about...that not happening. Even when I said I was dying he said, "You're not purple. You're fine." And when I kept getting the position wrong we used the analogy of skiing. I said, "Oh like when I'm skiing on my Wii." Here was the reply, "You should ONLY ski on the Wii. You should NEVER EVER go skiing for real. You will die. You can't even zipline! How do you expect to ski?" "Well it looks fun." "Just don't do it. You shouldn't be on skis." In less than 15 hours from this conversation I had an incident that Michael didn't warn me about. I'll get to that in a few. After we did this skiing squat exercise we went to work my legs. I couldn't see my face, but I could feel the contortions I was making with my face as I was trying to accomplish these quad exercises. They hurt bad. There was intense burning involved. When we moved to the hamstrings the pain was worse. Finally, we finished and I was released to go get a drink of water. One guy says to Michael something to the effect of that was a look of hate...that look meant she hated you. Like Michael cares if I hate him or not??? It just made me feel good that these guys in the gym realized what I was being put through and were having sympathy for me. It was a challenging workout for sure. And if I haven't explained this yet...whatever Michael tells me to do...I'm going to do or at least try really really hard. He is the guru. He could tell me to climb on the roof of the building, jump off, and lunge the parking lot and repeat and I would do it because he said to. I feel that what he says in our sessions is non negotiable and it's working. It's working because I'm down in pounds and inches, 16.5 inches to be exact. This is motivating to me and it makes me want more...badly! I am driven to lose more.
Alright...fast forward to 13 hours after my work out and my lecture about not skiing. I'm sitting at an inservice. I'm in the back row of an auditorium. The seats are like movie theater seats. The speaker gives us 10 minutes to discuss as a group what he has been talking with us about. I think this is a perfect time to go to the bathroom and I don't want to ask everyone to move so I can scoot down the aisle which was pretty narrow. Amy said, "As much as you've been working out...you can totally hurdle that chair." So I hurdled which went well getting the left leg on the platform behind us. It was the right foot that slid down the crack of the chair, hit the concrete floor while the chair closed on my leg. I turned to look behind me to see my whole staff laughing. Some were laughing way harder than others and I was laughing too until Amy tried to push on the seat of the chair which compressed my foot. So our wonderful music teacher came around to what was now the front of me and pulled me out while someone behind me gently opened the chair. Both feet felt weird with no significant pain. The left toe lost a chip out of the nail which irritated me because of my pedicure. I came back from the bathroom and thought all was well. We left and went to lunch and when we were there I looked at my right toe to notice the intense bruising and increasing pain.
I came hobbling into the house and said to my husband...I had a little incident today..."Did you hurt your back?" "No look at this." as I put my foot in front of him. "Wow! That's broken." I called my mom and she was laughing so hard she was crying. I posted on FB and people from childhood, people from my previous employer, and people from where I currently work all said similar things..."Tammy, you've met you right? Why would you think it would be okay to hurdle a chair?" Of course this is all on the heels of my trainer talking about my clutzy tendencies. We had also had this conversation with friends of ours in Ozark last week. And over the weekend we had the conversation with friends from high school who talked about the fact that I own my own set of crutches. We didn't talk about the walking boot, three air casts, and other braces that I own, but still you get the picture. No one is surprised by this accident. Someone even said thank you for such a humorous post. Today has been okay as long as I don't put any pressure on that part of my foot. I have to step on the outside. Even under my toe is swollen. Needless to say I didn't go to the gym last night. I was so ticked off at myself that I put myself to bed at 6:45 and rented Dear John. I drooled over Channing Tatum and became so angry at the way the movie ended...I read the book and didn't remember the ending. EEEERRR!!! So it did little to calm me down. I have spent today hobbling around and trying not to be too noticable about it because I was with the entire district today and I didn't want to have to explain what stupid act precipitated this injury. So just so you've got at least this look I'm inserting a picture of the angry toe/foot.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Super Size Me
Returned today from six days in the Ozarks. Nothin like a little southern fried comfort food for the soul. Said to my husband as we were planning...I can't leave until I workout with Michael. I know we usually get on the road earlier, but I can't miss a workout. He was very understanding and I did indeed get a workout in. Of course it was intense. Lots of squatting. My legs hurt bad. It didn't help that we then rode in the car for three hours. I was stretching every which way. The next day we were in the car for thirteen hours. My legs didn't quit hurting until Tuesday which was three days later. Those squats must be some kind of wonderful. Mind you we were in the car for all of those hours, but we never left the state of Missouri. We ended our thirteen hours at Lamberts. Holy Cow!!! I ate soooo much. Seriously...if you wait an hour and a half and people are throwing food at you...who can't eat intensely? One splurge meal wouldn't have been bad, but it went south quickly...the next morning for breakfast and every morning after we had Dunkin donuts. There was more fried chicken, McDonald's, Taco Bell, ice cream...and not one...no not one workout session. We didn't even go on a hike. There was no exercise. It was eat, sit, sleep, repeat for six days.
I watched the movie Super Size Me a couple of years ago and I can totally relate to how that guy felt. I feel like a slug. I feel like I'm sweating grease. I feel guilty and irritable. Truly irritable. I ran into my trainer tonight and he asked me how bad I ate and I told him really bad. REALLY REALLY BAD!!! I can't wait to hit the gym tomorrow. As a matter of fact I might hit it more than once. I have another training session on Saturday and I can't wait. I want to get back on track. I feel icky. Who knew that one week could make such a difference in how I feel? WHAT WAS I THINKING???
I watched the movie Super Size Me a couple of years ago and I can totally relate to how that guy felt. I feel like a slug. I feel like I'm sweating grease. I feel guilty and irritable. Truly irritable. I ran into my trainer tonight and he asked me how bad I ate and I told him really bad. REALLY REALLY BAD!!! I can't wait to hit the gym tomorrow. As a matter of fact I might hit it more than once. I have another training session on Saturday and I can't wait. I want to get back on track. I feel icky. Who knew that one week could make such a difference in how I feel? WHAT WAS I THINKING???
Sunday, July 25, 2010
The Parking Lot Is Hot
Today Michael made me start out on the scale. I really don't like it when he does that. I only let the nurse at the dr's office see my weight. Well I guess that was how it used to be because now Mr. Trainer knows too. However, I could have hugged him. As a matter of fact I did almost hug him. I had to stop myself. Because...I was down 6 pounds in a week and a half. Yes, 6 pounds. Michael says its because of the running and I know he's right so I'm going to have to keep it up.
I needed all of the adrenaline that was pumping because Michael and I went outside after that to run up a long hill. Actually, I ran and he timed me. Funny thing is...I never asked him what my time was. We did that three times and then I had to sprint up a small hill three times. And then we lunged the entire parking lot. Okay...not we...I lunged and he walked and coached me all the way.
We finally got to go inside where there was air conditioning because it is July in Missouri and it is hotter than heck outside. It was time for squats. I almost cried. Actually, I think a tear escaped my eye. I was squatting with weight on my back. And just when I was about to die Michael put his hands behind me and told me that I had to go lower. Can you hear the whining in my voice?
What my readers need to understand is that while I'm enduring this torture and trying to hold this barbell on my back and squat low enough, Michael is smiling. Today he told me I was a good experiment. I've never been compared to a guinea pig before. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Yes, he says I'm an experiment because he tells me to do something and I do it. I guess not all clients work this way. I just want to get healthy and he's the guru so he says squat and I say how low?
We had to do dead lifts next followed by pushups followed by dead lifts followed by pushups followed by dead lifts followed by pushups. More whining. Next we did some arm stuff and another tear escaped. It hurt so bad. Michael's daughter, Amy, had joined us today. She was encouraging me. She is such a sweety. His wife was there too and I told her that if I died today it had been nice knowing her.
And just when you thought you were done lunging for the day because you had lunged the parking lot? Not so much...we lunged in the gym. Amy did it with me. Can I tell you that her legs are really long, she's really young, and she can get her butt to almost touch the floor? It's sick. I am going to try and get my butt that low to the floor. That is going to be a goal of mine. We finished our work out by playing catch with a medicine ball. Michael was standing and I was crunching. My legs are already sore. Really sore. Can't wait to feel what tomorrow brings.
Today's workout was really challenging. Michael has decided we need to take it to the next level. I'm scared, but lovin every minute of it!
Oh and now I'm down here in Columbia for a few more days...stopped in Concordia on the way and had a nice ice cream cone at this little dive. Michael, my blood sugar was dropping...I had to do something...iz all good!
I needed all of the adrenaline that was pumping because Michael and I went outside after that to run up a long hill. Actually, I ran and he timed me. Funny thing is...I never asked him what my time was. We did that three times and then I had to sprint up a small hill three times. And then we lunged the entire parking lot. Okay...not we...I lunged and he walked and coached me all the way.
We finally got to go inside where there was air conditioning because it is July in Missouri and it is hotter than heck outside. It was time for squats. I almost cried. Actually, I think a tear escaped my eye. I was squatting with weight on my back. And just when I was about to die Michael put his hands behind me and told me that I had to go lower. Can you hear the whining in my voice?
What my readers need to understand is that while I'm enduring this torture and trying to hold this barbell on my back and squat low enough, Michael is smiling. Today he told me I was a good experiment. I've never been compared to a guinea pig before. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Yes, he says I'm an experiment because he tells me to do something and I do it. I guess not all clients work this way. I just want to get healthy and he's the guru so he says squat and I say how low?
We had to do dead lifts next followed by pushups followed by dead lifts followed by pushups followed by dead lifts followed by pushups. More whining. Next we did some arm stuff and another tear escaped. It hurt so bad. Michael's daughter, Amy, had joined us today. She was encouraging me. She is such a sweety. His wife was there too and I told her that if I died today it had been nice knowing her.
And just when you thought you were done lunging for the day because you had lunged the parking lot? Not so much...we lunged in the gym. Amy did it with me. Can I tell you that her legs are really long, she's really young, and she can get her butt to almost touch the floor? It's sick. I am going to try and get my butt that low to the floor. That is going to be a goal of mine. We finished our work out by playing catch with a medicine ball. Michael was standing and I was crunching. My legs are already sore. Really sore. Can't wait to feel what tomorrow brings.
Today's workout was really challenging. Michael has decided we need to take it to the next level. I'm scared, but lovin every minute of it!
Oh and now I'm down here in Columbia for a few more days...stopped in Concordia on the way and had a nice ice cream cone at this little dive. Michael, my blood sugar was dropping...I had to do something...iz all good!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Among other things...running
A lot has happened since I was last on here. I thought I could keep up while in Columbia, but it hasn't happened. My uncle did lose his fight to cancer. He isn't suffering anymore and for that I am thankful. My dad isn't doing so great with this loss and I worry about him. I've been working out harder in order to try and relieve stress. It's been helping. Here are some highlights since I last wrote...
One bright Saturday, Michael says, "When we first started working out you said you don't like to look in the mirror?" "Yep, that's what I said." "That must mean you don't like other people to look at you." Please know he is saying this and walking toward the door. "Today you're going to run outside so everyone can see you." I'm not going to type in here what went in through my head because my mom reads this blog, but it wasn't church words if you know what I mean. I ran, lunged, did some other things that I've seen in football movies and then did a series of lunges and pushups (5 lunges...drop do a push up...repeat). I have to say that by the end I was more concerned about dying of a heart attack than the people driving up and down the highway watching me. I had suspected before, but on this day I became sure that Michael was in my head! SCARY!
Last Sunday, Michael said, "You're going to run for five minutes." However, once I got on the treadmill he changed it to a mile. He stood right beside me, I stopped twice to walk and try and keep my lungs from exploding, but I ran a mile. Almost a week later and I am still shocked, but I'm also really proud. My homework assignment was to run at least three miles during the week. I posted my accomplishment on Facebook. My trainer decided it was such an accomplishment that I should do four miles...seriously? Make up your mind...then my sister posts that we should run an annual 5k we do every October. Her thought is that if i am running a mile now, in July...then in October I'll be able to do three. Well...you know who saw this post??? Yep, Michael the trainer and he thought it was a GREAT idea. On Monday, I called my sister and said, "So when are you going to start running?" She started laughing and said she had just thought of that that morning. We'll see if she'll be running with me or not...it's my new goal.
One of my roommates in Columbia has been coming up with strategies for things I could do to be able to tell that I'm getting smaller. She can totally tell. However, this week I have been able to tell a difference for sure. And more importantly??? I walked out of the bedroom this morning, dressed to go interview my superintendent and my husband said, "Wow!" i thought he was watching tv...nope...today he said, "I can see it now. I can really see how much you're losing." Might I say it made me more than a little bit happy. I'm totally doing this for the health benefits and the way it makes me feel, but when your husband notices...it makes you feel even a little bit better!
One bright Saturday, Michael says, "When we first started working out you said you don't like to look in the mirror?" "Yep, that's what I said." "That must mean you don't like other people to look at you." Please know he is saying this and walking toward the door. "Today you're going to run outside so everyone can see you." I'm not going to type in here what went in through my head because my mom reads this blog, but it wasn't church words if you know what I mean. I ran, lunged, did some other things that I've seen in football movies and then did a series of lunges and pushups (5 lunges...drop do a push up...repeat). I have to say that by the end I was more concerned about dying of a heart attack than the people driving up and down the highway watching me. I had suspected before, but on this day I became sure that Michael was in my head! SCARY!
Last Sunday, Michael said, "You're going to run for five minutes." However, once I got on the treadmill he changed it to a mile. He stood right beside me, I stopped twice to walk and try and keep my lungs from exploding, but I ran a mile. Almost a week later and I am still shocked, but I'm also really proud. My homework assignment was to run at least three miles during the week. I posted my accomplishment on Facebook. My trainer decided it was such an accomplishment that I should do four miles...seriously? Make up your mind...then my sister posts that we should run an annual 5k we do every October. Her thought is that if i am running a mile now, in July...then in October I'll be able to do three. Well...you know who saw this post??? Yep, Michael the trainer and he thought it was a GREAT idea. On Monday, I called my sister and said, "So when are you going to start running?" She started laughing and said she had just thought of that that morning. We'll see if she'll be running with me or not...it's my new goal.
One of my roommates in Columbia has been coming up with strategies for things I could do to be able to tell that I'm getting smaller. She can totally tell. However, this week I have been able to tell a difference for sure. And more importantly??? I walked out of the bedroom this morning, dressed to go interview my superintendent and my husband said, "Wow!" i thought he was watching tv...nope...today he said, "I can see it now. I can really see how much you're losing." Might I say it made me more than a little bit happy. I'm totally doing this for the health benefits and the way it makes me feel, but when your husband notices...it makes you feel even a little bit better!
Friday, July 2, 2010
Waiting...
Parts of this post will be humorous I assure you. It's my nature. However, I'm writing this at a time of grief. There...that's your warning.
On December 29th, 2008 my grandma passed away. She had been sick for a long time and it all happened so beautifully that we were all sad, but at peace. At the services my uncle had a scary cough. I was nagging him to go to the doctor because my senses said he had pneumonia. He had been on disability since the spring before when he had to have his SECOND heart valve transplant and his medicaid wasn't going to kick in for a few more months. Bueracracy! In March of 2009 he woke up one morning and didn't know who he was or where he was. He was dizzy and had a major headache as well as the cough. My aunt drove him to the ER. He was admitted to the hospital and in four days later found out he had stage four lung cancer which had spread to his brain. He was given 10 months at the most. He underwent some chemo and radiation to buy some time.
During this extended time Homer and my aunt cleaned out their house and bought a trailer. On a cold October weekend our family helped run a garage sale to try and earn them some money by selling many of their possessions. The next weekend my uncle ended up back in the hospital with a stomach infection which required surgery. He was in the hospital for over a week. By the time he came home we had spent another weekend moving what remained of their possessions to the trailer. Since November of 2009 it has been a slow and steady decline of Homer's health.
In April I had the honor of going and picking him up to take him to a family reunion. We joked all the way there and all the way back. You see...my sense of humor and nack for practical joking was inherited from my uncle and my dad. It was weird for me to see him with a walker, but he joked about it and all was good. That really is the final memory I will cherish of my uncle as I knew him. I thank God that my aunt was unable to attend and I had that time.
Last week my sister and I went to see our uncle. The hospital bed had been moved in. He said to us, "I'm having a hard time getting going this morning." That was all. He was dozing in and out. We stayed about thirty minutes and left. As we walked to the car Sandy said, "That was bad."
Yesterday morning my mom called and told me not to be without my phone things were going downhill quickly. In the afternoon I went and met my mom, Sandy, my dad, my grandpa and my other aunt at the house. I could not believe the change that had occurred since Saturday. I hope eventually the visual will leave my head, but right now it is all I can think about. My dad sat with tears in his eyes. Let me say that for the last year...my dad has been at my uncle's house almost every day. I have prayed for words to come to me to say to my dad, but I'm at a loss. Oh because here is another key factor. Last month we found out that Grandpa's prostate cancer had spread to his bones so he has underwent radiation in the last few weeks. How unfair is this? Really? I continually pray that my dad will have strength and not have a heart attack or something from stress. Yesterday, I'm looking at my uncle and praying that he does not feel the suffering that we can see, I'm watching my dad with tears in his eyes, and my grandpa says, "When my mom was sick, I prayed that God would end her suffering and he took her home the next day. When my wife was sick, I prayed that God would end her suffering and the next morning she went home to be with the Lord. I can't bring myself to pray that for my son."
So last night when it was time to go workout I decided I wanted to skip the gym and go walking through the woods. I needed time alone. I didn't judge the amount of daylight I had left. I also paid no attention to the trail maps or where I was going. I just started walking very briskly. I was crying from sadness and from anger. I just kept walking. I came face to face with a deer. I was standing in a field. I had no idea how I got there. Now it wasn't completely dark in the field, but as I was turning in circles trying to figure out where the car might be I realized I was going to have to back track and that meant going back through the woods which WERE dark. I have to say for 20 minutes I didn't think of my uncle or my family. My heart was racing more from being lost than walking briskly. And let me just tell you...I've watched a lot of suspenseful horror movies in my 38 years. I've also read a lot of true crime novels. Women get attacked in the woods all the time! After twenty minutes of walking through the dark woods I cam eback to the path which led me to my car.
I came home and forced myself to work on homework. I fell asleep sometime between 12:30 and 1:00 only to have a nightmare that I was still lost in the woods. I fell back asleep and woke up with another nightmare of being held hostage. In between I woke up every hour to check the time and the phone because I was worried I had missed a call. I hit the gym rather aggressively this morning and am now trying to get my to do list completed. It's challenging to go about your daily activities at a time like this.
In the amount of time it has taken me to write this post, the ambulance has come and moved my uncle to Hospice House. It's ironic to me that we've been waiting for a bed to open since yesterday afternoon. That means that another family has suffered a loss. Cancer sucks. It sucks really bad.
My hope is that even though the words have never been spoken...my uncle knows what a pinnacle of my life he has been and how much I love him. I have always known how much he has loved me. I just hope he has known. I also pray that his suffering ends very soon.
"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next."
-- Gilda Radner
On December 29th, 2008 my grandma passed away. She had been sick for a long time and it all happened so beautifully that we were all sad, but at peace. At the services my uncle had a scary cough. I was nagging him to go to the doctor because my senses said he had pneumonia. He had been on disability since the spring before when he had to have his SECOND heart valve transplant and his medicaid wasn't going to kick in for a few more months. Bueracracy! In March of 2009 he woke up one morning and didn't know who he was or where he was. He was dizzy and had a major headache as well as the cough. My aunt drove him to the ER. He was admitted to the hospital and in four days later found out he had stage four lung cancer which had spread to his brain. He was given 10 months at the most. He underwent some chemo and radiation to buy some time.
During this extended time Homer and my aunt cleaned out their house and bought a trailer. On a cold October weekend our family helped run a garage sale to try and earn them some money by selling many of their possessions. The next weekend my uncle ended up back in the hospital with a stomach infection which required surgery. He was in the hospital for over a week. By the time he came home we had spent another weekend moving what remained of their possessions to the trailer. Since November of 2009 it has been a slow and steady decline of Homer's health.
In April I had the honor of going and picking him up to take him to a family reunion. We joked all the way there and all the way back. You see...my sense of humor and nack for practical joking was inherited from my uncle and my dad. It was weird for me to see him with a walker, but he joked about it and all was good. That really is the final memory I will cherish of my uncle as I knew him. I thank God that my aunt was unable to attend and I had that time.
Last week my sister and I went to see our uncle. The hospital bed had been moved in. He said to us, "I'm having a hard time getting going this morning." That was all. He was dozing in and out. We stayed about thirty minutes and left. As we walked to the car Sandy said, "That was bad."
Yesterday morning my mom called and told me not to be without my phone things were going downhill quickly. In the afternoon I went and met my mom, Sandy, my dad, my grandpa and my other aunt at the house. I could not believe the change that had occurred since Saturday. I hope eventually the visual will leave my head, but right now it is all I can think about. My dad sat with tears in his eyes. Let me say that for the last year...my dad has been at my uncle's house almost every day. I have prayed for words to come to me to say to my dad, but I'm at a loss. Oh because here is another key factor. Last month we found out that Grandpa's prostate cancer had spread to his bones so he has underwent radiation in the last few weeks. How unfair is this? Really? I continually pray that my dad will have strength and not have a heart attack or something from stress. Yesterday, I'm looking at my uncle and praying that he does not feel the suffering that we can see, I'm watching my dad with tears in his eyes, and my grandpa says, "When my mom was sick, I prayed that God would end her suffering and he took her home the next day. When my wife was sick, I prayed that God would end her suffering and the next morning she went home to be with the Lord. I can't bring myself to pray that for my son."
So last night when it was time to go workout I decided I wanted to skip the gym and go walking through the woods. I needed time alone. I didn't judge the amount of daylight I had left. I also paid no attention to the trail maps or where I was going. I just started walking very briskly. I was crying from sadness and from anger. I just kept walking. I came face to face with a deer. I was standing in a field. I had no idea how I got there. Now it wasn't completely dark in the field, but as I was turning in circles trying to figure out where the car might be I realized I was going to have to back track and that meant going back through the woods which WERE dark. I have to say for 20 minutes I didn't think of my uncle or my family. My heart was racing more from being lost than walking briskly. And let me just tell you...I've watched a lot of suspenseful horror movies in my 38 years. I've also read a lot of true crime novels. Women get attacked in the woods all the time! After twenty minutes of walking through the dark woods I cam eback to the path which led me to my car.
I came home and forced myself to work on homework. I fell asleep sometime between 12:30 and 1:00 only to have a nightmare that I was still lost in the woods. I fell back asleep and woke up with another nightmare of being held hostage. In between I woke up every hour to check the time and the phone because I was worried I had missed a call. I hit the gym rather aggressively this morning and am now trying to get my to do list completed. It's challenging to go about your daily activities at a time like this.
In the amount of time it has taken me to write this post, the ambulance has come and moved my uncle to Hospice House. It's ironic to me that we've been waiting for a bed to open since yesterday afternoon. That means that another family has suffered a loss. Cancer sucks. It sucks really bad.
My hope is that even though the words have never been spoken...my uncle knows what a pinnacle of my life he has been and how much I love him. I have always known how much he has loved me. I just hope he has known. I also pray that his suffering ends very soon.
"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next."
-- Gilda Radner
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