It's the Real Deal

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed the only thing you wanted to do was cry? That's me this week. Not enough time to get everything finished I need to get finished or started. Comps are due August 31 and I haven't started. I haven't even met with my group the last two Wednesdays. Stephanie, if you are reading this you have to hold me accountable for this week. I have to get started on this. When I think about it I sorta freak out. I do not know where to begin. I can't even get organized to start.

I'm also trying to finish out one school year and start summer school. I had a complete crying break down in my office yesterday afternoon and just kept crying all night. I couldn't stop. It's not only that I am behind and can't get caught up. It's a situation with one of my students that has broken my heart. I want to snap my fingers and make it all better and I can't. Add to that a friend who lost her mind with me. She has taken on this attitude with me and others over the last few weeks. I've been trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but yesterday she said some things about me that weren't true and she said them to a group of people. Sooo... Bunchy don't have time or patience for middle school drama. Movin on!!!

Tonight I almost started crying when working out with Trainer Mike. Partially because he made me run up that big hill 6 times and I thought I was going to puke and partially because I am so frustrated with the stupid scale. He says not to worry about it that we are focusing on inches. How can I not look at the number on the scale? He will ask my weight. I did get a nice and I mean very nice lecture on only getting on the scale every other Monday morning. The deal is the scales went up 4 pounds this week. Mike says it's salt and water. He said, "Not pooping can cause you to gain three pounds." He says not to be worried, but I said with tears in my eyes "I'm not going to make my goal for my birthday." Then I just left the gym. Guess I need to work harder. It always seems like I need to work harder. It never seems like I'm doing enough. Tears are coming again.

We started this new diet last week. Carbs were added back in. Very limited carbs. Wanna hear the ironic part? A couple of weeks ago when I was an emotional eater...now I'm so stressed I have to force myself to eat. WHY WHY WHY does eating have to be an everyday struggle for me??? I love the gym. It's my escape. A whole year with my trainer and I still struggle with eating. I need it to be not so difficult. I think it feels even more challenging right now because of everything else going on.

So last Sunday's workout left me sore for several days. I'm actually going for a visit with my massage therapist tomorrow. I went to my chiropractor earlier this week and she said, "What in the world have you done?" Me: "I do not have a clue." It's my low back, knee, and shoulder. I really can't wait to see Rita tomorrow. Most of the week I have been in pain and using ice.

Running the hill tonight reminded me how much workouts in nice weather can suck. I have to get better at the hill. I was mad because it was so hard for me. UGH! We followed running with lifting with some heavy weights. I nearly bit it with floor presses. Tonight was a night in the gym when I didn't feel like I could do anything right. Usually I walk away from a workout with Trainer feeling like I kicked it, but tonight I just didn't feel that way. I felt like I couldn't do anything right. Interesting...

I try to keep this blog real, but fun and positive. Tonight it was real. I do admit. I'm struggling. I can't pretend everything is okay when it's not.