So Over This!!!

Well readers I'm going to vent a bit...

First on my mind is something that I am trying not to dwell on. As I write this, I do not want it to sound oh whoas me because that is not the point. Five years ago my grandpa was diagnosed with prostate cancer. He didn't consider surgery because he was taking care of grandma. He took a very expensive pill for a while. Shortly after grandma died the cancer spread to his hip. He underwent radiation which took care of that problem, but had to go on a very expensive monthly chemo pill. This kept his PSA levels in the normal range which are below 5. In December he went for a checkup and the PSA levels were .03. When Sandy and I took him out for his birthday around Christmas he was singing praises to God for curing the cancer. He has started not feeling well. Two weeks ago he had another blood test which showed a PSA level of 40. The doctor said that one of the tests was wrong and told him he needed another test in two weeks. This past Monday he went for the blood test. The doctor called yesterday and the PSA count is up to 45.7. The doctor says the December test was read wrong and this is a rapid growing cancer. Grandpa and my dad will be going to the doctor next week to discuss options. They don't know if the cancer is in other spots or not. If you have ever had the opportunity to meet my Grandpa you know he is about one of the finest men alive. His faith is unending. His outlook on life is unbelievable. He truly takes each day as a gift. While I'm mad about this for many reasons, he isn't angry. The level of concern for me is high on many levels. If he were to choose to have chemo it is going to be so hard on him, I hate to see the effects. If he doesn't have the chemo the cancer is growing so fast...and I can't even finish that sentence. I'm not one to question why things happen. But really people...the end of December 08 we lost Grandma, March of 09 my uncle was diagnosed with terminal lung and brain cancer, during that time Grandpa was also dealing with cancer, July of 2010 my uncle passed from the cancer. We spent the fall cleaning out Grandpa's place to get him somewhere safer and closer to my mom and dad and my aunt. We still don't have him moved there because of a run around with the place he is moving to. He has now given mom the authority to take over the case and I feel bad for the people that she is going to be in contact with. It's not going to be pretty for them since they have blown Grandpa off since November by either saying "we will have you moved in in two weeks, your apartment isn't ready yet", or just not returning his calls at all. A very large concern in all of this is my dad. None of this is fair, but truly I worry about how much he can take. This is unending incredible stress.

It's February here in Missouri and we have had one full week of school since December 13. Lots of snow days. I feel like a slug. I have not been making it to the gym because of being snowed in and my shoulder pain which will not cease. I have been to the dr and given stronger muscle relaxers. Every night I go to sleep packed in ice. (Truly not comfortable with negative temperatures) I wake up the next morning and the pain is still there. It is like someone has a knife in my shoulder. Everything is tight and the pain goes up the side of my neck. Trainer Mike's schedule has changed and he has had several family responsibilities so we have not been meeting regularly at all. It is so depressing for me. I haven't been working out and I haven't been eating healthy at all.

I think I will handle the stress of my life better when I get back to working out regularly. Mike and I are meeting Saturday and hopefully we will get back into our routine. I need it bad. I am also going to a new massage therapist tomorrow afternoon. She and I had a long talk about my problem and former injuries. She is pretty optimistic she can fix me up. She has come highly recommended by another friend so I hope this works.

In addition to stress about Grandpa, I have the stress of my doctorate program. This is the semester where we are writing the prospectus and proposal for our dissertation as well as starting the first three chapters. I have done homework for the past three days. I do not have a finished product which is hard for me. Yet, you have to do the reading and writing. It's a research process. I have to keep reminding myself it's a process with a product that will be finished in a couple of years. UGH! We do have some milestone assignments do this semester which are propelling us in the dissertation direction. I am still enjoying the journey. I am learning so much.

Another item of stress is my job. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have your employer call and say don't come in to work today because of the roads. These last three days have been a gift for dissertation work. Yet, I am missing my students. I am worried about my students. And for every day we are out it takes two to three to catch it up.

Life will feel better when I get back into the gym and make that my priority. When Trainer Mike starts to kick it up a notch, I will feel like I'm making progress again. So Readers...I'm over this being a slug...I'm ready to get back to it. And I mean get back to it HARD!!!