Manic Monday

I've never been one to dread Mondays. As a matter of fact, I usually embrace them. You know...fresh starts, new beginnings? Today by about noon I was ready to fast forward to Tuesday. Monday had hit me, kicked me while I was down, assaulted me, laughed at me, called me names...it could always be worse. I try so hard to keep that in mind. When we are at our rock bottom and think it could get no worse, it could. It could always be worse. Just when you think you've heard the hardest most sad story ever, you hear one that tops it. I just don't allow myself to wallow in self pity. Okay I've digressed. At the end of the day a meeting was cancelled. I thought today would be a rest day from the gym because of scheduling issues. A cancelled meeting was just what I needed. I dashed home and changed into my workout clothes. I arrived at the gym and started running. I needed a stress relief in a bad way.

Normally I run thirty minutes and stop. Because running isn't my strong point I run for time, not miles. Tonight I hit thirty minutes and felt like Forest Gump. I just kept running. I got to forty minutes and thought I'm going to keep going. I ran for forty five minutes trying to shake Monday off. I have to say it was a GREAT way to kick Monday back. It wasn't pretty. There was eyeliner streaming down my face. My clothes were soaked with sweat. It wasn't fast. I'm not a sprinter. I didn't run the entire time. There was some brisk walking involved. The funny thing about the brisk walking was that I can still hear Trainer Mike in my head during some workouts. Tonight was one of those. "You own this." "Come on. Only 30 more seconds." "Tammy don't let your mind mess you up. You've got this." I could hear those things in my mind and used them every time I felt like I wasn't going to make it. Now instead of sitting here dwelling on all of the things I didn't like about this day, I'm celebrating my accomplishment. I followed it with a date with Calgon and am happy to say I am in my pjs with my gym bag packed for tomorrow morning. Lower body, I will own you. Go get it peeps! Don't let the stress of today take control. YOU are in control.

Distorted Images

In case you are new to this blog I work as an elementary school counselor. Some of my students have watched me physically change as I've been on this weight loss journey. When I first began and was dropping weight fast, I had several fifth grade girls who cheered me on. It was nothing to hear "OOOOHHHHH...you lookin good today, Dr. Bunch." It was encouragement that kept me going. Who doesn't like to be complimented on how they are looking? This school year I haven't made as many drastic physical changes so it's not in the front of the minds of my students. I do talk about the importance of setting goals and use the goals I set for working out and eating as examples when appropriate. I keep telling myself that I need to create a 5x7 of a then and now picture and hang it in my office. I have wanted to use this as a teaching tool. To those kids who were struggling academically or behaviorally I could say, "If you set goals and take small steps you can achieve many things." I had a conversation with a student at lunch last week that has caused me to change my mind. I was eating lunch with a group of third graders. One little girl was talking about her family working hard to make better eating choices. Another little (and I mean little VERY LITERALLY) said, "I've been trying to lose weight too. I've been exercising." I said, "I think it's great that you are trying to be healthier by exercising, but why are you trying to lose weight?" She replied, "Oh Dr. Bunch, I'll stop when I can see my ribs." Thank goodness I didn't have any food in my mouth at this time. I would have choked. I took a minute to compose myself and said, "Honey, if you can see your ribs...it's probably not very healthy." All of the girls assured me that to look good you have to be skinny AND if when you look at the really pretty girls you can see their ribs. These babies are in THIRD grade. They are nine and ten years old!!! As educators we are always looking for "teachable moments." That moment which hasn't been planned for, but it's a fleeting moment that has to be seized as an opportunity to help students grow either academically or socially. Here was a teachable moment smacking me in the face! I talked with the girls about my own journey. I explained that the reason I started working out and watching what I was eating was not to look like a girl in a magazine or on tv. My reasons for making the change were because I had gone to the dr and he had listed all of these medical issues I was facing because of my weight. I explained about diabetes, high cholesterol, and heart conditions. I explained how much better I feel because I am working out and trying to eat healthier. After lunch, I called the little girl's mom to explain my concerns. I didn't want to get her in trouble, but I needed her parents to be aware of what she is thinking. The conversation didn't go as I wanted it to. Her mom assured me that she only runs around the outside of the house and doesn't run far enough or long enough to lose that much weight. EEEEK!!! Here is where I had to tread lightly. She is the mom after all, but I was in a perfect position to offer a smidge advice? I said, "As someone who has struggled with body image, it's not the amount of running that concerns me. It's her distorted view of what's healthy. I just wanted you to be aware so you can keep your eye on her. As she is getting older and peer pressure increases, I don't want her to make poor choices because of body image." The mom seemed appreciative of my phone call and said she would keep an eye on things. In preparation for having lunch with these girls tomorrow, I decided to do a little more research. I also wanted to be better prepared in case this comes up again...because it's highly likely that it will. I know that models don't make it into a magazine without a bit of airbrushing. I also know that models have gone from "thin" to appearing emaciated since I was young. Here are some things I didn't know: According to the National Eating Disorders Association, 42 percent of first- to third-grade girls want to lose weight, and 81 percent of 10-year-olds are afraid of being fat. According to a study in Pediatrics, about two-thirds of girls in the 5th to 12th grades said that magazine images influence their vision of an ideal body, and about half of the girls said the images made them want to lose weight. By adolescence, studies show that young people are receiving an estimated 5,260 “attractiveness messages” per year from network television commercials alone. According to Teen magazine, 35 percent of girls ages 6 to 12 have been on at least one diet, and 50 to 70 percent of normal-weight girls think they are overweight. While all of these statistics are alarming, the things in bold are what caused me tears. The media is such a powerful influence. Girls used to look at role models who were average-sized, and now they are looking at a digital hodgepodge of body parts that aren't even a real person. This is what our girls are comparing themselves to. This is what they are striving to look like!!! They are exposed to the fabricated images so much that it becomes reality. At this point, there will be no "then and now" pictures in my office. I am not going to do anything that might influence a student in the wrong direction. I'm 43. I've lost over 75 pounds and I still struggle with body image. Disordered eating is still part of who I am. I post a lot on my FB page about not being able to out exercise a bad diet. I'm hoping that one day it will sink in for me. In the meantime, I'm going to be vigilant about educating little people when I can and trying to foster a healthy body image.

The Wall

I wasn't going to write about this. Two fitness friends I follow on FB recently posted set backs they have had over the summer and the past month. It was their honesty that inspired me to be forthcoming with where I am. For the first time in my journey, I have hit a wall. I've had slumps before where I didn't want to go to the gym for a few days, I didn't hit it as hard as I should have or I really struggled with my food. I've suffered a few injuries that have caused me to be physically unable to work out, but I have never struggled with a lack of motivation to go to the gym. As a matter of fact, working out has served as a mental outlet for me from which I have reaped huge benefits. I could blame working out two times in the past month on my wicked busy work life, but that wouldn't be completely honest. In the past, I've had a wicked busy work life and decompressed in the gym. I could blame working out two times in the past month on a minor surgery I had three weeks ago. That wouldn't be true either. The surgeon told me I could go back to the gym 5 days after my surgery. I had very mild pain and it would not have been exacerbated by working out. Truthfully, I the last time I worked out with my trainer was June 30th. My husband and I then went on vacation and did a lot of hiking in Colorado. We came back from vacation and worked on some home projects. I went to the gym here and there, but was not faithful about it. During July I had two full weeks of in service and that became a great excuse. "I can't get into the routine." I kept making excuses for my poor performance and decided I would hit it again at the beginning of August. August came I started back to work. "I'm struggling fitting the gym in. I'll give myself some time and really start again in September." Guess what??? We are approaching the end of September and I am still not back in the routine. I have no goals set. I did go and do cardio yesterday. I forced myself out of bed this morning and probably would have laid back down, but my husband told me he wasn't going to let that happen. Off I went to the gym and decided to face the numbers. My first reaction was to fall off the scale onto the floor in a heap of tears. This thought was supported by my feelings of inadequacy. "I'm not strong enough to do this." "I'm a loser." "I'm incapable of doing what is necessary to maintain my weight loss or reach further fitness goals." The second thought was to grab my stuff and walk right out the door because I was so angry. The third thought was to step off the scale and step back on. I mean...it had to be wrong! There had to be a mistake. It read the same which led me back to a choice of the first two reactions. I avoided both of these because the gym was packed and I really didn't want to have to explain myself to anyone that would have wanted to check on me. Since the first of July I have gained 10 pounds. TEN POUNDS!!! It will take me until almost Christmas to get that back off. AND WHY? I really wish I had a good excuse. NOT!!! So now I find myself trying to find that inner drive to get myself back on track. I'm trying to refocus and bring working out and fitness back to the top of the priority list. I must confess...I'm struggling. This is all very confusing to me. I do not understand how I used to be so energized and motivated to go to the gym. It made me feel good. Now...it feels like something I HAVE to do. Something I dread. I wish there was a switch I could flip. Apparently, it's not that easy. If it were, I would have already flipped it. At some level, more than just the number on the scale, I want to go. I want to challenge myself. I want that after work out endorphin rush. I do know I miss it. This has to be something. It has to mean that it's still there somewhere. I'm just used to it being an instinctual feeling as opposed to something I had to force. I forced myself through a cardio workout this morning. There was a lot of self talk. "One more minute and you can quit." "One more mile and you can call it a day. This is a good start." I struggled through each second, but in the end I completed 5.75 miles of cardio. I'm hopeful that by forcing myself...I will get the switch flipped and get back into the routine of something that is so important to me. Hopefully, I can break through the wall.

Missing: Enough Time at the Gym

I'm not sure how so much time has passed since I last blogged. I am going to commit to one blog a week for the month of August to get back in the habit of writing. I've been sitting in training all week about how to effectively teach writing and one of the things the experts continually say is that we as teachers should be writing each day. I will incorporate my blog into the routine I am developing to increase my writing time. I love my blog and hate that I have been so neglectful. For the past few years, June, July, and August have been months where I have hit my workouts hard. Historically, I have done more miles of cardio and hit strength training extra hard during those months. Please don't think that because I'm an educator I and those three months off. That is not true at all. By the time all was said and done I had three weeks off. I taught summer school in June and in July had a couple of weeks of training. Now I am back full time. This is good for me. After more than a couple of weeks, I become anxious. I am much more comfortable in routine and structure. We have used this time to work on home improvement and have accomplished a ton in a short amount of time. Unfortunately, I have let my workouts slip. My last session with my trainer was the last week of June. He left me with goals to accomplish during July as we are to start up again this month. The biggest goal was to focus on strength training and increase my weight. The first week of July my husband and I spent in Colorado. We were gone for 8 days for an AMAZING vacation. I am most at peace in the mountains. Being in the mountains is a spiritual experience for me. The least we hiked was 4 miles on any of the days we were there. More frequently we hiked 6-7 miles. It is our goal to increase this on our next trip. There were hikes we wanted to do that were 4-5 miles one way. We plan to go back and do these hikes. On the day where we only hiked 4 miles I need to explain that in the 2 miles to the summit we climbed a thousand feet. After we completed the hike we looked at our guide book and realized we had completed a "strenuous" hike. We were very proud of our accomplishment.

(this was another summit of close to 1000 feet, but in a very short distance...we were so high that it started freezing rain on us...as soon as we descended it was regular rain) So vacation was not a break from working out. We had a very active vacation that we both very much enjoyed. It was when we came home that things didn't go as planned. We started on some minor home improvement projects, but I didn't make getting to the gym a priority. I was so lax in this that I didn't complete even half of my 100 mile cardio goal. I did walk a 5k with a friend during July. The entire last mile was up hill. Quite challenging. One would think that I would have learned my lesson before when I didn't make working out a priority. The number on the scale hasn't changed. I've maintained my weight. However, it is the mental/emotional side of things that have really suffered. When I am not in the gym, I'm anxious, become irritable, and fight depression. In the last few days of July I realized I had to make the gym a priority. There can be no excuses. For example, last Saturday I had a lot to do around the house. Cleaning, grocery store, laundry, but I also had a work commitment. When I am on track and making good choices...I would have forced myself to get to they gym no matter what. This past Saturday I convinced myself I had too much to do to fit the gym in. WRONG ANSWER! When people ask me how I've made such progress, I don't hesitate to tell them that I had to make a choice. I had to decide I was worth it. I had to give up excuses and go for it. If I were to give that advice right now, I would be hypocrite. I have not been putting my fitness first. I've been hitting the gym hard this week and plan to for this month. In order to do that, the rest of my life must be scheduled around workouts. I have to make this a priority in my life again. I'm happier when this is the case. There are physical results and just as important emotional results. Once I have a full month back into the routine of things, I'll be gung ho and not able to stop. This week I get to continue enjoying afternoon/evening workouts. Next week those workouts will have to take place in the morning. Getting back into that routine is going to be a challenge for sure. However, I've done it before and can do it again.

Bunchy In Search of Self

Last week I posted a butt workout. If you have not tried this, your butt is missing out. I did the full thing for the first time yesterday. I did three sets of 20 and added donkey kicks. I do not remember the last time my butt was this sore. I will be incorporating these moves into my workouts more regularly. Several times during my doctoral course work, instructors mentioned that we needed to have a plan for when we finished our dissertation. They advised that after one had spent so much time focused on publishing a dissertation there could be a sense of loss when it was finished. After I defended, I sat in the room with one of my advisors and we talked about this very thing. At that point, I was thinking of final edits that needed to be made and a checklist of tasks to complete so I could walk in May. You might remember that while taking that walk and being announced as Dr. Bunch was so incredible, it was also bittersweet as we had moved Grandpa to Hospice House three days before. After graduation I spent the next six weeks with my family saying goodbye (still can't write about this without crying!). I had told my mom and sister about the advice of my instructors. They heard what I said. For the next several weeks I helped my sister and brother in law get their house ready to go on the market. I helped Mom with various projects. I played in my flower gardens and vegetable garden (both of which are zen for me). I kicked off one of the more challenging school years I've ever worked. We went into the holidays. Now we are at the end of January and I'm stuck. I'm restless. I'm anxious. I'm lost. A dear friend of mine called the other day and asked me how I was doing without having the academic part of my life and the tears started flowing. It's not that I miss the writing deadlines, the never-ending editing and revising, the research (okay…maybe a little), I miss the challenge. I miss knowing what was next. There was a deadline in front of me and I knew where I was headed. There was a goal before me. I love my job and it is where I am happiest. I look forward to going to work and being with my little people and trying to help them face the challenges life has given them. While I am there I'm busy and I'm focused. I don't have down time. There is always someone to talk to and someone who needs me. In addition to being in my building, I have a central office position that keeps me pretty busy too. There are times the work is stressful and draining, but it is fulfilling. With that being said, I've started the process of finding a position as an administrator for next year. The first applications have been filled out and submitted. Truthfully, it would be best for me if I could take on the challenge of a new position. I need something new to bite into. I need a new purpose. More than ever before in this weight loss journey, I've been incorporating two workouts a day. (Don't freak out! I don't do it every day. It's not consistent!) There are times when I'm so in search of self, that I cannot just sit. I need to run. I need to move. I am an avid reader. I'm having difficulty focusing on a book. I read the same thing over and over again. I AM LOST! I feel smothered by every day things.(No, I'm not depressed.) I refuse to fall into some meaningless routine. That's not me. A meaningless routine terrifies me actually. I'm a go getter. I'm driven by a challenge. Right now, I'm constantly wondering "what is next?" "where am I going?" "what's the plan?" I'm searching for what sparks me and gives me purpose. It's a struggle and it's not a fun place. I will also say that I'm shocked by this phenomenon. I really thought I would finish and enjoy being able to read what I wanted when I wanted. I thought I would be so busy doing things around the house and finding new projects that this wouldn't affect me at all. I was mistaken. Oh how I was mistaken. I CANNOT wait to find out what's next and I hope I find it and me very soon!

20 Shades of Yoga

A good friend of mine who is also a coworker has been going to yoga three or four times a week for several months. A couple of weeks ago she was helping me stretch in the teacher's lounge. I've also been asking her about certain moves like downward dog and in a brief conversation she said I should come with her sometime. I said I had always wanted to take a yoga class so that would be fun. Here's the additional background information you need: I have several yoga videos and I pull them out from time to time. I don't do them regularly although I always want to add it in at least once a week. I know one can gain great benefits from yoga. With the exception of Hot Yoga, I thought most yoga was the same. As you will find out I was mistaken. It was decided that Monday would be the night I would join Lisa for Yoga. On Monday she told me she would pick me up and I said "The class is an hour right?" "No. It's an hour and a half on Mondays." She proceeded to tell me that part of the time would be spent on inversions and head stands. Yes, Lisa knows me. She knows I'm a klutz. However, she was not worried at all. She had far more confidence than I did about what I would be able to do. The conversation that continually came up regarding yoga was farting. These conversations started last week when people found out I was going. "Oh everyone farts in yoga." "You can't help it because of the way you are breathing and moving." Let's be clear: This was a fear for me. I'm not going to go in there as the new girl and fart. WHAT???? You need to know that by the time Lisa picked me up for class I was pretty nervous. Farting, inversions, head stands…oh wow. We walked into the warehouse where Cross Fit was taking place and Lisa introduced me to our Yogi, Ian. As we walked away Lisa told me that Ian would be very helpful to me and that he was helpful to everyone. Then we walked into this room in the warehouse that was very dimly lit. This threw me. I thought it might be lighted more like a regular workout area. There were also numerous space heaters around the perimeter which were on. It was significantly warmer in this room than the room we had come from. Well that's because we were doing Bickram Yoga and in this style of Yoga the temperature is 105 degrees with 40% humidity. It's freezing here in Kansas City so it felt good to me. People were coming in and getting set up with their mats, towels (which I forgot, but will never forget again), blocks, and straps. I was thinking….blocks? straps? I've never needed those for my yoga videos. What are we going to use blocks and straps for? There was no type to completely panic because it was time to begin. Cue the soft music. Ian has taken his sweats and sweatshirt off and is now comfortable in a tank and shorts. Oddly enough, one of the reasons I have never gone to a yoga class before is because of the bare feet. I don't like seeing other people's feet. There was an energy in the room that didn't allow me to perseverate on feet. Once we got started I was too busy trying to remember to breathe. I don't know how many times Ian had to remind me to breathe. "We breathe. We breathe. Longer breathing. Deeper breathing. Breathe In. Breathe Out. We breathe. We breathe." Readers it didn't take long at all for us to get into some moves and Ian was next to me. "Oh this is nice. He's going to make sure I don't fall." WRONG!!! He wasn't going to let me fall, but he wasn't just standing there. I would get in position and he would put his hand on my body and push me so that I would go further than what I was prepared to go. As I looked at others in the room I saw them doing this:

I have no idea how they got from where we were to that, but I stayed where I was. We went through many many moves. Now remember those heaters I mentioned? There was sweat in parts of my body that don't normally sweat. It was HOT! There were also times when Ian would say left hand on the mat right hand on your hip, raise your left leg, raise your right arm look to your right arm…and I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing. Ian has a bit of an accent so that was part of it and part of it was this is a new deal that I don't have a skill set for. I became excited every time he told us to go to downward dog or up dog. I could do those two with no problem. Somehow we got into a pose that was to prepare us for the crow which is a type of inversion. I looked over and Lisa was doing it. She was doing it! I wanted to grab my phone and take a picture, but I didn't want to ruin the moment. Every person there was working on doing. Every person, except me. I played it safe and stayed where we had started. Ian offered to help me, but I politely declined.

This is a crow. From the crow, there were other inversions. Again, Ian offered to help, but I played it safe.

There were many variations. Overall, there were people who were really intent on getting their bodies to do what looked impossible to me. Finally we made it to the stretching. I love to stretch so it couldn't be too hard. Until Ian came and pushed against me to make the stretch deeper. He kept reminding me that if "you are breathing deeper, you will stretch deeper. Use the breathing to move deeper." After all of the moves, Ian placed a cold lavender eye bag on our eyes. We lay on our backs on the floor. I'm pretty sure we were supposed to be completely relaxed. I was relaxed, but my mind was going 100 miles an hour. I'm lying on a floor, in a dark room, with soft music playing, and Ian is walking around rubbing people's feet? Lisa had told me that it was really enjoyable. Seriously, I didn't want it to stop. I was prepared to beg Ian to not stop. That was BEAUTIFUL! I loved it. As we were leaving, I was ready to burst out laughing because these people seemed to be quite advanced at what they were doing. I was the uncoordinated novice. Ian had a different opinion. He told me I had done a great job. He told me I'm very flexible and I have skills. Flexibility and skills are good. Let me just say that I am sore today. My legs are sore and as the day has worn on my abs have become sore. We all know how I feel about muscle soreness. It means the metabolism is going faster. I would encourage you, given the chance to try a yoga class. However, be careful about which you choose since there are different forms of yoga. Had I not had a friend, last night would have been completely out of my comfort zone.

The Work Ahead

Half way through the month of January and I feel on fire. My workouts have been going really well. I've spent a lot of time looking at different moves and adding some in to my strength training. Mixing it up a bit. My diet has been going well too. One day last week I was on emotional overload. I knew that if went straight home after work I would be on edge and not okay. I went to the gym for a second workout. WOWZA! I know a lot of people who do two a days to mix things up. I am excited to report that I ran further than I normally do and at a much faster pace. That second workout was a great way to help my body process all of those emotions and thoughts. I'm hoping to try and do this one or two days a week. I've also spent time in the past week reviewing the journey through pictures.

The review leads me to dichotomy of emotion. I'm proud of how far I have come, and overwhelmed with how far I have to go. My goal is to get another 50 pounds off. In my position as an elementary school counselor, I work more frequently than I care to admit speaking with young girls about body image. Yet, I find it so easy to fall into the trap of examining edited images where there is no flaw to be found. Looking at pics and videos for strength training is good on the one hand because I learn a lot, but challenging on the other because I look at those bodies and feel overwhelmed at the thought of how much work is still before me. In case you are wondering, it's my abs and thighs that bother me the most. And it's not just the pics of others I look at. It's me too. It's still difficult to look in the mirror. There are times when I am working out and catch a glimpse of myself and become disgusted. Yes! I do what I tell my students to do. I think of all the things I like about myself. I think of how far I've come. JEESH! It doesn't change what is right there before me! It doesn't remove the fat that is still there that I need to eliminate. Trainer Mike and I talked recently about my goal to lose 50 more pounds. He stressed the importance of monitoring my body fat percentage. I know he's right and I will, but it still feels like an incredulous task. (Let me just insert that I LOVE that I can still ask Trainer Mike for help and he is so understanding and willing to be there for me.) Diet is 80% of the battle before me. I am getting much better at making sure I eat. I eat both breakfast and lunch at work so there are many times I'm burning calories while I'm eating because I'm walking with my food, but at least I'm not longer using interruptions as an excuse to skip eating. Now if I can get serious about logging my food into my Fit Bit so I can make sure I'm taking in enough calories, I'll be much more confident that I'm doing everything I need to do. I hope 2014 is off to a great start in many ways, but especially your health and fitness. Take care of YOU!