The Wall

I wasn't going to write about this. Two fitness friends I follow on FB recently posted set backs they have had over the summer and the past month. It was their honesty that inspired me to be forthcoming with where I am. For the first time in my journey, I have hit a wall. I've had slumps before where I didn't want to go to the gym for a few days, I didn't hit it as hard as I should have or I really struggled with my food. I've suffered a few injuries that have caused me to be physically unable to work out, but I have never struggled with a lack of motivation to go to the gym. As a matter of fact, working out has served as a mental outlet for me from which I have reaped huge benefits. I could blame working out two times in the past month on my wicked busy work life, but that wouldn't be completely honest. In the past, I've had a wicked busy work life and decompressed in the gym. I could blame working out two times in the past month on a minor surgery I had three weeks ago. That wouldn't be true either. The surgeon told me I could go back to the gym 5 days after my surgery. I had very mild pain and it would not have been exacerbated by working out. Truthfully, I the last time I worked out with my trainer was June 30th. My husband and I then went on vacation and did a lot of hiking in Colorado. We came back from vacation and worked on some home projects. I went to the gym here and there, but was not faithful about it. During July I had two full weeks of in service and that became a great excuse. "I can't get into the routine." I kept making excuses for my poor performance and decided I would hit it again at the beginning of August. August came I started back to work. "I'm struggling fitting the gym in. I'll give myself some time and really start again in September." Guess what??? We are approaching the end of September and I am still not back in the routine. I have no goals set. I did go and do cardio yesterday. I forced myself out of bed this morning and probably would have laid back down, but my husband told me he wasn't going to let that happen. Off I went to the gym and decided to face the numbers. My first reaction was to fall off the scale onto the floor in a heap of tears. This thought was supported by my feelings of inadequacy. "I'm not strong enough to do this." "I'm a loser." "I'm incapable of doing what is necessary to maintain my weight loss or reach further fitness goals." The second thought was to grab my stuff and walk right out the door because I was so angry. The third thought was to step off the scale and step back on. I mean...it had to be wrong! There had to be a mistake. It read the same which led me back to a choice of the first two reactions. I avoided both of these because the gym was packed and I really didn't want to have to explain myself to anyone that would have wanted to check on me. Since the first of July I have gained 10 pounds. TEN POUNDS!!! It will take me until almost Christmas to get that back off. AND WHY? I really wish I had a good excuse. NOT!!! So now I find myself trying to find that inner drive to get myself back on track. I'm trying to refocus and bring working out and fitness back to the top of the priority list. I must confess...I'm struggling. This is all very confusing to me. I do not understand how I used to be so energized and motivated to go to the gym. It made me feel good. Now...it feels like something I HAVE to do. Something I dread. I wish there was a switch I could flip. Apparently, it's not that easy. If it were, I would have already flipped it. At some level, more than just the number on the scale, I want to go. I want to challenge myself. I want that after work out endorphin rush. I do know I miss it. This has to be something. It has to mean that it's still there somewhere. I'm just used to it being an instinctual feeling as opposed to something I had to force. I forced myself through a cardio workout this morning. There was a lot of self talk. "One more minute and you can quit." "One more mile and you can call it a day. This is a good start." I struggled through each second, but in the end I completed 5.75 miles of cardio. I'm hopeful that by forcing myself...I will get the switch flipped and get back into the routine of something that is so important to me. Hopefully, I can break through the wall.