Losing Grandpa

This post is not so much about weight loss. However, it is about a difficult part of life's journey. If you want to skip to my exercise and eating it's at the last paragraph. My grandpa has been in Hospice House for the past five weeks. Until seven weeks ago when he fell and broke his foot, he was completely independent and still driving. Most would have never guessed he was a 90 year old man with bone cancer. Last spring he had undergone chemo for the bone cancer and after one treatment which nearly killed him, he made the choice to forgo anymore treatment. Hospice started coming to his apartment to check his vitals and make sure everything was going okay. This past November, Hospice said there was no reason for them to continue coming. Week after week he was fine. He was sleeping more and experiencing more pain, but not declining at the rate the doctors had originally anticipated. Until seven weeks ago, Grandpa was doing what he loved. He was visiting with people in his senior apartment complex, visiting with other friends around the area, and making new friends on a regular basis. To say it is difficult to go and see him at Hospice House, is the understatement of the century. Three weeks ago today when we were visiting it seemed he knew who we were. This was the first time since his stay that I felt he recognized me. Most of the time, he has a vacant look in his eyes. After the first week, I was overwhelmed with wanting to know what he was thinking. Now it is my prayer that he is oblivious to what is going on. It is obvious he is in pain because of the look on his face, the moaning, or the restlessness. However, he often refuses pain medication. Many of us are wondering if he experienced a stroke or if the cancer has spread to his brain. At this stage of the process, further testing would not be beneficial. It might answer questions, but the treatment would still be the same. Keeping Grandpa as comfortable as possible is the goal now. A couple of weeks ago I went to see him and I asked him if he was hungry. It takes him a long time to answer any questions. I waited and he said he was. The nurse went and got pudding. She told me he couldn't feed himself because he didn't have the coordination down. So there I was feeding Grandpa with a spoon. The irony of this was not lost on me, especially when my parents walked in, and my eyes filled with tears. This man of strength beyond what is typically found in others, this man who fed and nurtured me, now I was feeding him. My eyes still fill with tears when I think about that moment even though I have fed Grandpa several times since then. A man of strength. The first time Grandpa left home as a young man was to serve in the Army. He served in Germany in World War II. For a period of about six months, I spent a couple of Sundays each month interviewing Grandpa and Grandma about this period of their lives. I have the experiences written down. There were somethings that were too painful to speak of, somethings that were funny, but scary sums up a lot of what he went through. While Grandpa was in Germany, Grandma gave birth to their first son, Gary. He wasn't well and died before Grandpa was able to see him. At the end of 2008 (December 29th) we lost Grandma after a long battle of illnesses. She had spent ten years as an invalid with her beloved taking care of her night and day. Grandpa never complained. Not one time. So Grandpa could go to his sister's funeral, I went and spent a day taking care of Grandma. Grandpa was reluctant at first, but then decided he would really like to go to the funeral. Among all of her many illnesses, the dementia was the most overpowering for caretakers. She might know you one minute and then ask who you were the next. She would repeat herself numerous times. I'm not going to lie. It wasn't easy to take care of her. It was emotionally draining. Toward the end, she tried to escape the house a couple of times as she was trying to get back "home". The best we can figure is that she wanted to go back to her childhood home. During those times, Grandpa had to call Dad for help to get her calmed down. On Christmas Eve of 2008 all of her kids, grandkids, and great grandkids were with her except my sister and I. She wasn't eating and barely drinking. I often feel pain at missing that Christmas Eve, but Sandy and I went on the 28th. Still she wasn't eating or drinking. As we were talking with Grandpa, Grandma sat straight up in her chair and said, "Did you hear that beautiful music?" Grandpa said, "It's almost time for her suffering to be done here." Later that night he prayed that God would end her suffering here. The next morning she died in his arms. He said, "She was as beautiful to me this morning as she was the first day I met her." The thing that you have to understand is that Grandpa NEVER and I mean NEVER complained about taking care of Grandma. His gentle and compassionate nature were true to her just like they were to every other aspect of his life. Grandpa couldn't leave the house for the last few years Grandma was alive unless someone came to sit with her. Then he would run to the store or doctor do what he needed to do and come right back so as not to burden the other person. Grandma died at the end of 2008. In 2009, my uncle was diagnosed with lung cancer which then spread this his bones and eventually his brain. We lost Uncle Homer in July of 2010. Again, Grandpa set an example for all of us with his strength. I'm not saying it was easy for him. This was the second child he had buried. The mental strength shown by Grandpa during this time is not commonly found among others. At least, I haven't found it. A Man of Faith. My Grandpa wasn't saved until he was a young adult. Once he was, he walked the walk AND he talked the talk. Grandpa often said, "You never know if that one conversation you are having with someone might be the spark that leads them to Christ." Grandpa wasn't in your face about it. It was just who he was. If the opportunity came up for him to share part of his testimony, he would share it. After Grandma passed, and Grandpa could get out more, my dad and my aunts had to put rules in place. He would be out visiting for hours and no one knew where he was. They had to put safety rules in place so they could keep tabs on him. Grandpa started going back to church immediately after Grandma passed. He visited a couple of places, but ended up back at his home church The Gardner Friends Church. It was in this church, that my religious foundation was nurtured as we were young children. Sunday dinners with my extended family were always started with my Grandpa saying "Dear Heavenly Father..." Those prayers weren't limited to the big dining room table. They also weren't limited to thanks for a meal. They occurred anywhere and at anytime. My Grandpa's Bible is never far from his side. Even now, it is on the table next to his bed. He has written some of his favorite Bible verses on note cards and had them duct taped to the walls in his apartment. He was always studying God's word. ALWAYS. I will never forget a conversation we had a few years ago. He had went to get a tire fixed. His normal tire guy wasn't available so he went to a new location. The people overcharged him in an outlandish way. He said to me, "I felt so angry when I realized what had happened." He then went on to quote scripture as to how wrong it was for him to be so angry about this. He talked to me about how he had prayed for God to forgive him for being that mad. I was thinking..."Oh dear. Grandpa is upset with himself about being angry over a legitimate reason...I've got a lot of work to do because I can get angry over much less than that." Grandpa doesn't complain. When I mentioned earlier that there has been moaning which lets us know he is in pain, that moaning is when he is asleep. He wouldn't do it if he were aware. That's not Grandpa. I have never heard him speak a negative word about anyone. He has gone through life in a way that most would find unsatisfactory. Until two years ago, Grandpa didn't live in a place that had central air or heat. There was no hot water heater. I still remember being a teenager when the water line was actually attached to the house so he didn't have to go get water. He has never owned a new car. The car we has most recently been driving has holes in the floorboards. I once told Grandpa if I won the powerball I was going to buy him a new car. He very politely told me it wasn't necessary. Grandpa wasn't impressed by material things. As a matter of fact, it's safe to say material things meant very little to him. Grandpa was driven by his Faith and Love. He loved God, his family, and friends. He never met a stranger...just a friend he hadn't met yet. I've met some Christians who become angry at God when life gets stressful or even say things like "God must not be listening." That is so far outside of my reality and my fundamental beliefs. And my reality and my fundamental beliefs were shaped by Grandpa who never ever ever doubted God. He spent every moment serving God and thanking him. When he reached a challenging part of life, he read more in the Bible and prayed. Today, Father's Day...I thought it would be difficult and I was right. My sister and I certainly wanted to do something special for our dad, but our thoughts are consumed with wanting to spend time with Grandpa and honoring that Dad wants to be there. Grandpa was unresponsive today. He had a very restless night last night. He received pain meds at about 11:30 this morning. When we arrived and I walked over to his bed Dad said, "See if you can get that smile." Even though he can't say much, I can usually get a smile. There wasn't a smile today. At 4:00 when we left he still hadn't fallen asleep. It was obvious he was fighting the sleep. The room was full of family today. We shared some laughs. A family friend prayed over Grandpa and asked God to bless him with continued peace and comfort. That has been my prayer as well. Just praying that the pain isn't too bad and that Grandpa doesn't know what's going on. Praying that the rest of us will continue to have strength. My sister and brother in law, mom and dad, and my husband and I did go down the road to a nice restaurant where we could do something for Father's Day to let our Dad know how much he means to us and try to give him a smile or two. I cry easily now. I know that Grandpa is going to Heaven and will get to be with the God he has spent his life serving. I know he will be so happy. I know there will be no more pain. We have had conversations about what it will like to be there. I also know he will be with those that have gone before him. But the two things that have me now are 1) I want one more conversation with him...just one more... and 2) For his sake, this suffering must end soon. If you've read this far, and you do pray...our family would appreciate those prayers. I am working out. I'm able to alleviate a lot of emotion that way. The eating...most of the time I don't have an appetite. Last night and tonight I overate because I hadn't eaten the entire day until that evening meal. Yep. I know this isn't healthy. I know my body doesn't appreciate it. I'm doing what I can right now. If you have any tips, please message me. I would love to hear them.